Need
by RebelWade
Summary: Olivia lets a sixteen-year secret slip. This story follows Elliot and Olivia through an entire partnership of denying an affair.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't worry, I'll finish Bombshell eventually. But I have so many stories brewing, I had to get this one started!**

 **This starts with the conversation between Amanda and Olivia in Decaying Morality, but takes a little detour.**

"A yoga retreat in Costa Rica…" Olivia repeated, dreamily, happy to have her only female coworker back in the city, but happier that Amanda was able to get away for a while and decompress after the grueling trial that convicted her rapist.

"It was the furthest I could get away from New York… and Atlanta," Amanda replied. "It was good."

"Work through some stuff?" Oliva met Amanda's eyes with gentleness, but also seriousness so she knew the question was important.

Amanda nodded. "It was therapeutic. We were um… we were meditating on the summit of this volcano and the yogi comes over, and taps me on my shoulder. I didn't even tense up."

Olivia smiled. "Good for you!"

"Yeah."

"And now that you're back, you'll continue with therapy?"

"Look, I am so sorry for what I put y'all through…"

"No Amanda, I'm sorry for what you put _yourself_ through," Olivia said, genuinely.

Amanda nodded, welcoming Olivia's warmth and empathy.

"And you and Nick?" Olivia continued, cautiously. "Are you two going to be okay?"

Amanda looked up and searched Olivia's eyes, unsure as to whether she was talking about her recent arguments with Nick or if she was implying that she knew about their short-lived affair.

Olivia's lips curled into a half-smile when Amanda's silence dragged on. She sipped her coffee. "It's okay, Amanda. You're not the first detective to bring home a married co-worker."

Amanda's head jolted a bit and Olivia quickly realized the slip she made.

"I mean, I lived with a co-worker, remember?" Olivia added, too quickly.

Amanda eyed her boss once again. "You said _married._ Cassidy wasn't married… And you weren't working together when y'all lived together..."

"I know," Olivia said. "I was just talking about Nick and it—"

"Your old partner," Amanda interrupted, leaning in with a smile.

"No! No no no…"

Amanda shook her head in disbelief. "You _totally_ slipped, Liv! Admit it! You slept with your old partner! Fin says they always gave y'all crap about it but nothing ever happened. But it _did,_ didn't it?" Olivia rolled her eyes and she looked out the window to avoid eye contact. "What was his name?... Erik… Ellias… El…"

"Elliot."

"ELLIOT! Elliot Stabler! You had an affair with Stabler! I've seen pictures, Liv. You could do much, much worse… I bet that was—"

"We're not talking about me, Amanda," Olivia warned, trying to change the subject.

"So you did?"

"I didn't say that."

"Oh my god, Liv. Come on! Fin says you two were like an old married couple!"

" _But we weren't!"_

It came out more aggressively than she meant it. It silenced Amanda, but only for a moment before she leaned in again.

"Fine. Then I didn't sleep with Nick."

Olivia looked back at Amanda sternly. "You lying to your captain, Detective Rollins?"

Amanda shrugged. "I learned everything from her," she quipped, and Olivia couldn't help but to laugh at the jab.

"Look, Liv. Honestly, I look up to you a ton and knowing that you've made the same mistakes I did… I don't know. It's comforting, I guess. So, I don't care. I'm not going to tell anyone… Can we just be two girls getting coffee and gossip for a minute? It might be more therapeutic than anything."

Olivia couldn't believe that she had let it slip. In sixteen years she had _never_ let it slip. Her stomach was in knots and she knew she could continue to deny it, but there was something about Amanda's friendship that she was drawn to, and she understood the sentiment of wanting some girl time.

She looked back at Amanda from the window with a knowing look. And the way Amanda's face fell told Olivia that she didn't hide her sadness as well as she hoped.

"You loved him, didn't you?" Amanda asked softly.

Still torn between holding something in she'd never let out before and confiding in her friend, Olivia tried to blow it off. "Of course I did," she huffed with a smile. "We were best friends."

Amanda just sat and nodded, waiting for Olivia to continue. When she realized Amanda wasn't buying it, Olivia's body slumped into a sigh. "Yeah. I did," she said. "I was in deep. Our partnership was one of the best SVU has ever seen—"

"So I hear."

"—but it wasn't healthy for either of us. In the end, it was everything to us. Sometimes it consumed us. It left no room for other relationships for me and it killed his family life… I tried to leave him once… When I realized how in love with him I was. Sometimes I think it would have been best if I'd been able to stay away."

"When was that?"

"Oh, about seven years into our partnership I guess. After a particularly difficult case."

"Were y'all sleeping together by that time?" Amanda pried.

Olivia laughed. "Oh yeah," she said. "That started long before. In our first year. We tried not to every time, but at some point we stopped fighting it. We told ourselves we needed it. It didn't start out as a romantic or love-thing… It was…"

"A raw and animalistic need?"

Olivia tried to suppress her smirk. "Yeah, most of the time, but not always. But it _was_ always what we needed."

"How did it start?"

Olivia smiled as she thought back to that first year. She sipped her coffee. "I don't know, really… In the beginning we weren't even _us_ yet… I mean, the dynamic duo you've probably heard of."

"Benson and Stabler."

"Yeah. That first year we were still getting to know each other, figuring out our rhythm. We were physically attracted to each other, of course, but it wasn't love, it was need, even then."

"No one else gets what you go through every day," Amanda chimed in, letting it be known that she understood.

Olivia nodded. "Elliot didn't talk to his wife about work and I would tend to take men home to screw my frustrations away with guys who had no idea what was going through my head."

Amanda nodded with her lips turned slightly. "Yeah, I've been there."

"I guess that first year it just started with innocent touches here and there," Olivia explained. "Nothing blatant or obvious, just small things that showed we were comfortable with each other. Then, during some long nights and hard cases we'd catch each other staring… Mostly him- looking at my ass or down my shirt. But I definitely wasn't innocent. He'd walk around in his boxer briefs in the cribs or locker rooms and—"

"Girl, I don't blame you," Amanda said. "I'd cop an eyeful too!"

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes.

"So? How did it happen the first time? I want details!"

Olivia squinted a little as she thought through it. "I don't know if I should give you any ideas."

Amanda's eyebrows furrowed. "Ideas? What do you mean?"

Olivia tilted her head to the side and looked back out the window.

"Oh. My. God." Amanda exclaimed. "You two did it at the station, did you?"

Olivia opened her mouth to answer, but no words came out.

"OH! MY! GOD!" Amanda repeated. "Tell me every detail, Liv! Don't you dare leave anything out!"

Olivia sighed, her resolve diminishing. What can it hurt? She thought. Elliot's gone. It's not like their partnership was in jeopardy anymore. It was over. He ended it.

"I had taken men home from the bar and Elliot knew that. I didn't think he had a problem with it. He even asked me about sleeping with Cassidy and seemed like he didn't really care. It wasn't a big deal. But after a tough case one day, I was in the cribs talking to Monique, a detective who worked with us at the time. I had no idea that Elliot was at the door of the locker room."

" _You need to go get a drink, Liv?" Monique asked. "I know this case took a toll on you."_

 _Olivia shook her head and gathered her things for the shower. "No thanks, I'm gonna go to the bar from here and find a man who can handle me," She told her with a smirk. "I just need to get laid."_

"Monique said goodbye and left as I headed for the locker room to take a shower and get ready for the bar. I got into my towel, thinking I was the only person in the locker room and put my clothes in my locker when I heard Elliot come up behind me."

Olivia continued to talk as she remembered how it all played out:

" _Jesus, El!" Olivia yelped. "You scared me!"_

 _Elliot had walked up behind her in jeans, but no shirt. Olivia scanned over his six-pack as she held her towel up over her breasts. He just stood there with his smoldering stare._

" _What?" she asked_

 _He stepped in closer, coming up so close he was breathing on her. "Don't go out tonight."_

 _She looked back at him incredulously. "Excuse me?"_

" _You don't need to be going out and picking up strange men just to fuck all your problems away!"_

" _Fuck you, Elliot," Olivia punched back. "I'm not your daughter and you don't get to judge me." She turned back around and threw the rest of her belongings in the locker._

" _I'm not judging you, Olivia. I just think it's dangerous and—"_

" _I can take care of myself, thanks," Olivia seethed. She slammed the locker and started to walk towards the shower._

" _And those bar idiots don't know you, Liv!" Elliot argued as he followed her. "They're not connected with you! They don't know what you're going through or what it is you're fucking away! They can't help you."_

 _She turned around at the entrance of the shower. "I don't need them to understand me, Elliot. I need them to fuck me. I need them to make me feel good for a few minutes so I can release some tension." She walked up to him confidently, just inches away from his chest, and spoke in a low, dark tone. "All I'm asking for is an orgasm, Elliot. Not some deep, meaningful connection. Just a nice, hard fuck. It the best way for me to relax."_

" _Yeah, I get the impulse, Liv. But it doesn't mean you have to act on it!"_

" _Says the man who can go home and act on it every night if he wants!"_

 _Elliot took a step back as he laughed. "Are you kidding me?" he said. "You think I can go home and release my frustrations on Kathy? I'd scar her for life. I can't just walk into our bedroom and fuck the living hell out of her! She's too fragile!"_

" _Well, I'm sorry you're so tied down that you can't find your release but I need it. I need to feel good and think about what someone is doing to my body so I don't have to think about all the shit I've seen in the past few days with this goddam case! I need to forget. So think what you want about me but that's exactly what I'm going to the bar to find, El: someone to fuck the living hell out of me!"_

 _Before she knew what was happening, Elliot's mouth crashed into hers. She squealed in shock. His tongue had found its way into her mouth by the time she realized what was going on._

 _She pulled back. "The hell?" Her eyes flicked back and forth between his wildly. He walked her backwards into the shower and reached for the towel's knot tied between her breasts._

"Holy shit," Amanda said.

Olivia laughed. "That was the first time. It was hot and rough and… he was right. It helped more than some stranger at the bar because we both knew what we were trying to soothe."

"Did y'all talk about it?"

 _Olivia caught her breath as Elliot slumped onto her shoulder, pinning her against the shower wall, his hand was still between them on her breast. She slid her hands up and down his muscular back. Knowing he must be feeling guilty, she used the motions to reassure and comfort him._

" _You okay?" she asked quietly._

 _Elliot nodded and brought his face to hers. "I needed this too," he said, sliding his hand to her hip. "I wouldn't have been able to be like that with Kathy… ever." Concern crossed his face. "Did I hurt you?"_

 _Olivia gave an amused smile. "No," she said with a laugh. "That was exactly what I needed." She brought her hands to his face. "But this can't happen again."_

 _He nodded. "I know."_

"Briefly," Olivia answered. "Right after. But then we didn't talk about it for at least a few years. It didn't happen again until our fifth year as partners.

"What made you break?" Amanda asked.

"Alex Cabot's death."

Amanda's face scrunched up. "Uhh… the ADA from my first year at SVU? I'm pretty sure she's alive and well, Liv."

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, well, she was in witness protection for a while," she explained. "Elliot and I were actually informed of what was going on, but for a few days we were sure she was dead. She was shot after drinks with Elliot and me. I held pressure on the wound, went to the ER, fell into Elliot's arms when they told us she was gone. He drove me home. Or at least I think he did. I honestly don't remember how we got home. I was in shock."

"You and Alex were close."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah… All I remember was realizing he was helping me take my coat off, then he led me to my bathroom to wash my hands off… they still had her blood on them. When he finished, we went to my bedroom and he picked out a tee shirt and sweatpants for me to change into and handed them to me.

" _Get dressed for bed," Elliot said. "I'll get you some water."_

 _He left her room and shut the door to give her privacy. Olivia put the comfortable clothes on and sat on her bed with her legs tucked up to her chest. Elliot walked back in moments later and sat next to her, setting a glass of water on her bedside table._

" _Will you stay?" Olivia asked, her voice strained as tears welled in her eyes._

" _I'm not going anywhere."_

 _Olivia nodded. "El?"_

" _Yeah."_

 _Her voice broke and she wept as she asked, "Will you hold me?"_

 _Elliot moved immediately and took his partner into his arms, sitting next to her and allowing her head to rest on his chest as she cried into him. He held her head and stroked her hair back as he fought his own tears. They laid down in that same position, her head on his tear-soaked chest and she mindlessly draped her leg over his._

 _They woke up in that same position two hours later. She gasped and started to lose control of her breathing. Grasping at her chest, she laid back on her pillow and tried to focus on her breath, but each time she closed her eyes, the image of Alex slipping away beneath her hands haunted her._

" _Hey hey hey…" Elliot said gently. He turned to face her and cupped her face, prodding her to turn her head and look at him. "Hey… it's okay. You're here. I'm with you. It was a dream."_

 _Tears fell down Olivia's cheeks when she pinched her eyes closed and shook her head. She held on to Elliot's forearm. "I can't believe she's gone." Olivia cried. "I can't stop thinking about her… about that moment on the street…"_

" _I know," Elliot whispered. He brought his forehead to hers. "Me either."_

 _Olivia's hand traveled from his forearm to his bicep and pulled him slightly, bringing him the tiniest bit closer to her._

" _I see her every time my eyes close," Elliot confessed. "Every time."_

 _He felt Olivia nod in agreement as her hand slipped up to his head and she sweetly stroked his closely-cropped hair. Resisting every urge to kiss her as their breathing aligned, his hand slowly moved from her cheek, to her neck, between her breasts, until he grasped a fistful of her tee shirt at her abdomen, forcing himself to stop his hand from doing anything else._

 _Olivia's other hand slid under his undershirt, contradicting her words as she whispered. "We can't…"_

 _Elliot sighed and let his head drop to her shoulder. "I know," he whispered back._

 _More tears escaped as her hand moved higher up his back under his shirt. Elliot lifted his head to look at her. He brought his hand back to her face and used his thumb to wipe the tears away. Her hand stroked back down his back and she pulled him closer._

 _It took every ounce of strength to send out his warning. "Liv…"_

" _I know," she said. "God, I'm sorry." She removed her hand from his back and pushed him away slightly at his chest so she could look directly into his eyes. "I'm sorry."_

" _Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for."_

" _You just… you feel good. And I need…"_

" _To feel good. I know. Trust me." Elliot unintentionally looked down over her body, which, even covered in clothes that were too big, was perfect. "I know."_

 _Olivia nodded and exhaled a weepy breath._

" _I miss her so much," she said, as more tears came once again. She began to shake with her cries and Elliot's tears finally came as well, though few._

 _He hated that he couldn't fix this. He hated to see the strongest woman he knew break down. He circled his arms around her and held her tighter._

" _Shh…" he hissed. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."_

 _Suddenly his lips were tasting her tears on her cheeks and he didn't care that they said it wouldn't happen again. They both felt helpless and needed to do something, anything. And if this took the pain away even for a fleeting moment, then it's what they needed._

 _There was no foreplay, nothing unnecessary. It wasn't rough, nor was it gentle. It was powerful. Close. Intimate._

"Damn," Amanda said. "That's… intense."

"It was," Olivia agree. "That's something Elliot and I had in common. We're both very intense in our own ways. We never talked about it that time. We just fell asleep, slept through the night, and went to work the next morning."

"Is that when you knew you were in love with him?"

Olivia smiled. "No," she answered. "Not yet. We were definitely best friends by that point and it was the most intimate we had ever been, but I hadn't hit the point of no return. Or, it hadn't hit me. I never saw it coming."

"Did it become a regular thing after that?" Amanda asked.

"Not quite. It only happened one other time that year."

"What happened that time?"

Olivia bit her lip. "That time?" she started. "That time was all me. And to this day, one of the top 5 on my best sex list."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Spill!"


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia chuckled. "You going to make me detail each time we slept together?" she asked Amanda.

"Yep," Amanda said, smiling as she sipped her coffee.

"That would take a while!"

"I've got all night!"

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "You know, you still haven't told me what happened with you and Nick…"

"Ahhm… I never admitted to sleeping with Nick," Amanda replied.

"Right…" Olivia said with a roll of her eyes.

"So? The best sex you've ever had?"

"Top five," Olivia corrected. "It was after a case with a nurse who had some _major_ mommy issues. Elliot and I role-played and reenacted this sibling rivalry. We both got really into it and… I don't know. It's fucked up, actually, because he said some shitty things to me, but the way we played off each other was… electric."

' _THAT WAS BRILLIANT!' Her text said. 'COME OVER AND CELEBRATE. I HAVE THE BEER.'_

 _Elliot was at her apartment thirty minutes later with Thai food in hand. The door was open, so he let himself in while knocking lightly. "Liv, I'm here!"_

" _Hey!" she said with a smile. She was already in the kitchen in pajama shorts and a tank top that didn't quite cover her midriff. She took the bag of food and handed him a beer while letting him take in her form. He shook his head to snap out of it as she turned to set the food on the counter. She returned with her own beer in hand, holding it out to make a toast._

" _To a closed case!" she said._

 _He clinked his glass with hers. "You deserve an Oscar for that performance," he said._

 _She stepped in closer and pinched a button on Elliot's shirt. She breathed in sharply through her teeth. Elliot eyed her curiously._

" _We were on fire," she said, her voice dark. She flattened her hand on his chest and rubbed it up his peck and down to his abdomen. "In perfect sync."_

" _Liv?" he questioned._

" _God, it made me hot," she said. She leaned in to peck his collar bone with her lips while simultaneously stepping backward, pulling him by his shirt toward the couch._

 _They only made it a few steps before he paused. "Olivia…"_

" _Hmm?" she replied as she started undoing his top button._

 _He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself to stay strong. He put his hand over hers on his shirt to stop her actions. "Liv, stop. I don't want to do anything we'll both regret."_

 _Olivia glanced up at his closed eyes, then slid her hand up to his cheek, prompting him to look at her, which he does._

" _Did you regret the other two times?"_

 _He took a beat before he answered. "No."_

" _Me either," she said. Her hands moved back down, popping open the next button. "Do you still think about it?"_

 _He closed his eyes again and sighed. His silence was enough of an answer for her._

 _She smiled and replied with a small chuckle. "Me too." She pulled him again until they reached the couch, then she turned and pushed him down to sit._

" _When is the last time…" She swiftly whipped her shirt off over her head to show she was bra-free. Elliot muttered a 'fuck'. "… Kathy rode you until you came so hard you forgot your own name?"_

"Mother of god, you actually said that?" Amanda interrupted.

Olivia's cheeks blushed and she laughed. "Yeah, I did."

Amanda stared in admiration. "I'm totally stealing that line! Okay, go on!"

 _Olivia placed her knees on either side of Elliot on the couch and gasped when her core came into contact with his lap. Elliot's breath was labored by now and she took his face in her hands._

" _This is your out, Elliot," she warns. "Tell me you don't want this right now and I'll stop… but I've got to say…" she looked down between them, then back into his eyes. "Your other brain is begging me to keep going."_

 _Elliot elicited a startled squeal when he lunged forward and attached his lips to Olivia's hardened nipples._

" _This will be the last time," she breathed out as he kissed and sucked her breast._

" _Mhm…" he replied, his mouth full._

 _He lapped at her nipple, kneading simultaneously. She moaned, wetness building below her by the second. She ground herself into his hard erection as he stimulated her; her swelling, needy core knocking his shaft on just the right spot. When she couldn't take it anymore, she reached down and undid his pants, freeing him from the confines of fabric. She stood to remove her shorts and underwear. Before climbing back onto him, she bent over and took him into her mouth, letting his tip press against the back of her throat, then pushing it just a little further before retracting and releasing him with a pop._

" _Fuck, Liv…"_

 _She stood again and straddled his free-standing cock, then slid onto him. They both moaned at the connection and Elliot leaned forward onto her chest to gather his bearings at the feeling of her wetness around him._

" _God, yes…" she moaned, throwing her head back and smiling at the pleasure coursing through her veins. She slid up and down and few more times until she was impaled by him fully. Then she kissed him deeply as she began to move back and forth on top of him, slowly at first, but speeding up quickly. She leaned into him so that her clit rubbed against him with every stroke of her hips. She arched back, giving Elliot the view of a lifetime. A deep, sensual, guttural moan left her throat as he took her breast into his mouth again, tweaking the opposite nipple with his hand._

 _He couldn't think straight. His senses were overloaded. The image of Olivia on top of him, writhing above him, the noises she was making, the weight of her breasts in his mouth and hand, the slickness of her core sliding over his hard cock… He couldn't take it._

 _She sped up. "Ohhh god… Fuck, Elliot!" she yelled, grabbing his shoulders for better leverage._

" _Liv," he managed. "You gotta… fuck… I'm gonna come. I'm gonna—"_

 _She pulled him closer and held him tightly as she sped up more. "Fuck! Yes! Me too, El," she said in his ear. She bounced on top of him quickly and he grabbed onto her hips to help her when he felt her walls tightening. She started to gasp, taking quick, small breaths. "Oh god, oh god!" she said. Her body began to tingle, her core tightened. He took over when she couldn't any longer, moving her hips at the same quick pace she had set and pleasure exploded through her body, up to her ears and down to her toes. She screamed, collapsing onto Elliot as he thrusted up into her, frantically releasing his own orgasm._

Amanda sat with her jaw dropped. Her cheeks were flushed.

"Too much?" Olivia asked, stifling a giggle at her new friend's shocked expression.

Amanda cleared her throat. "Hell no," she said. "Just trying to figure out why I'm not a lesbian. That was so hot!"

They laughed together as they finished their coffee.

"Did he just leave after that?"

Olivia's face fell, just slightly.

 _She remained with her head on his shoulder until they both caught their breath. When she was ready, she moved to dismount him._

" _Not yet," Elliot said. He held onto her by the waist. He was still buried inside her. He moved his head back only slightly as his hands slid up her naked body to her head, tangling his fingers in her hair to get her to look at him._

 _He placed a small, sweet, chaste kiss on her lips, then pulled back again._

 _Something in his stare made Olivia's chest burn, her stomach dropped. The intense pleasure of moments before was replaced by fear coursing through her body. She didn't like what she saw._

 _Sex for release was one thing._

 _She couldn't handle Elliot looking at her like that. She couldn't handle Elliot loving her._

 _For the first time, Olivia actually felt like the other woman._

 _She stood up and quickly threw her clothes back on. Elliot took the hint and situated his pants._

" _Well, thanks…" Olivia said. "That was great." She tried to remain cold and transactional._

 _Elliot nodded. "You kicking me out or can we have those drinks now?"_

" _El, I'm sorry… This… this can't…"_

" _I know." He reached for her hand. She tried to pull it away but he stepped in and caught it again. "Hey," he said, prodding her to look at him. "We're still best friends, right? Partners? We caught the perp. You may have had a different idea of what would happen tonight, but I came here for drinks with my partner. Okay?"_

 _Olivia took a few seconds to consider him. The way he was acting was the same as always, but that look… His eyes… She would never be able to get it out of her head._

 _She sighed. "Okay."_

"No," Olivia told Amanda. "He stayed a few more hours and we drank and laughed like two old partners. Like nothing ever happened. But that was when I knew."

"That you loved him."

Olivia's eyes lowered as she shook her head.

Recognition dawned on Amanda's face. "Elliot was in love with you, too."


	3. Chapter 3

"That was the first time I knew. I saw it so clearly. He was in love with me," Olivia said. "I knew I'd felt things for him over the years but I never allowed myself to go to that place, you know? I wouldn't even come close to those thoughts. So from then on, I decided that having sex with him that night was a mistake and it really, _really_ couldn't happen again. He had a wife and kids… I couldn't do anything to jeopardize the life he had with them."

"Did he ever say anything about it?" Amanda asked.

Olivia's eyes narrowed as she thought. "Not that time, no. We just moved on, worked hard, were best friends. Our friendship kept growing and it was so good for both of us to have each other… But every once in a while I'd catch him staring or something and it would remind me to keep a safe distance."

"How long did that last?"

Olivia laughed lightly to herself as her head shook. "Not long," she admitted. "I slipped up and we had sex again about six months later."

"Another bad case?" Amanda implored.

Olivia nodded. "And things got a little messy after that… we didn't have sex again for a couple years... God, it's all so fucked up now that I really think about it. I've never said any of this out loud."

Amanda was mid-sip when she waved a hand and set her coffee down. "Woah woah woah!" she said. "You're getting ahead of me here. How did the next time happen and what made it messy after that?"

Olivia stared contemplatively out the window. Her coffee no longer warmed her hands, but served as some sort of comfort in such a vulnerable conversation. Something about these stories was therapeutic. She was letting go of the biggest secret of her life. If she's honest with herself, maybe this is what she needed to finally let go of him completely.

"Liv? You okay?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered softly, her eyes still trained on the bakery across the street as the workers closed for the night. "I've seen a lot of horrible things at SVU over the years, but that case…" she closed her eyes and shook the memory away. "It haunted all of us."

Amanda stayed quiet, but leaned in as she listened.

"We found a cult leader and… long story short, when we went into the house, the man had executed all of his children. God, I think there were six? Maybe seven?"

"Jesus…" Amanda cursed.

"We all underwent psych evals and Fin voluntarily left. But Elliot was senthome by Huang and Cragen."

Amanda's lip raised slightly on one side. "Something tells me Stabler was not the type who liked being told what to do."

Olivia laughed. "No, he was not happy about it… But it was probably necessary. He had kids and those cases always got to him pretty bad."

"And you?" Amanda asked. "How did you deal with it?"

"Honestly, I was surprised they sent him home and not me. I was emotional. _Really_ emotional. I interrogated one of the wives of the cult leader, Eugene, but they called him Abraham. I tore that woman to shreds out of my own emotions… one of several times I have let my emotions get in the way during an interrogation… She just sat by and let that bastard rape her child…" Olivia took a moment to compose herself and get back on track. She shook her head once and glanced at Amanda before fixing her eyes on her coffee cup. She took a quick sip before continuing. "Anyway, Munch and I took over the case, and Eugene ended up being shot and killed by his twelve-year-old pregnant wife."

"Holy shit." Amanda let her head rest in her hands for a moment as she took in the information. "Yeah, I guess you could call that a hard case."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "The case ended, we took the body to the morgue, got the girl to the hospital and I went straight to the bar, where I found Elliot."

"No surprise there, you both needed a few drinks."

"True," Olivia said. "But what _was_ surprising was that he had been gone from work for a few days and he was drinking in Manhattan. He lived in Queens… It all came together later, but I'll get to that."

" _He's dead." The words left Olivia's mouth before she could plop herself down next to Elliot at the bar. "Abraham… Eugene... whatever the bastard's name is… Melany shot him."_

 _Elliot's tired, sunken eyes took in Olivia next to him and registered the information. He nodded with his head bowed, hands glued to the whisky in front of him. "Good for her," he said genuinely._

 _Olivia enjoyed the silences between them most of the time, but there was something off tonight, and it wasn't just the case. But she was also angry and emotional, so it could have just been her. Still, she hated the sadness she saw in him._

" _Vodka martini, please," she asked the bartender, who delivered immediately._

 _She squeezed the lime into her drink. "What are you doing in Manhattan, El?"_

 _Elliot shrugged. "Drinking," he said. "Same as you."_

" _No bars in Queens these days?" she pressed._

 _Elliot chuckled. The bar was too loud for her to hear it, but she could tell by his easy smile and the rise and fall of his strong shoulders. "I just like this bar, I guess."_

 _Olivia accepted his answer with no reason not to believe him. She nodded and sipped her drink. She closed her eyes as the alcohol went smoothly down her throat, but opened them quickly. The images of the children were still there. Elliot ordered more drinks for both of them as she shook the images away._

" _I'm sorry I left like I did the other day," Elliot said._

 _Olivia thought about quipping back something along the lines of 'Elliot Stabler apologizing? Has hell frozen over?' But she talked herself out of it, seeing his need to vent and not being in a particularly funny mood herself. Instead, she turned her head toward him and watched is somber expression as she listened._

" _I just couldn't handle it…" Elliot said, his voice cracking slightly. "I wish I could have killed the bastard myself, Liv. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't stop picturing my own kids."_

 _Olivia's heart broke for her partner and she resisted her urge to touch him… She knew that any contact would make it too hard for her to resist more, especially in her emotional state. Hell, in both of their emotional states. "I can't stop seeing those kids," Olivia confessed. Her eyes watered as she spoke and she found their differences in emotional expression beautiful and funny. They complimented each other. "I haven't slept in days because every time I fall asleep—"_

" _Me too."_

 _She continued to watch him as he sipped his whiskey. He had more stubble than usual, he probably hadn't shaved since he left work. She watched his jaw clench and as fucked up as it was, something about Elliot's anger and vulnerability made her want him… bad._

 _Fuck. She swore never to do this again… It was wrong and he was getting attached… But maybe he had gotten over it. And as long as she kept her feelings in check they'd be fine, right?_

 _She was kidding herself. She knew she was, but…_

 _Screw it._

 _Olivia reached into her jacket pocket and slapped money on the bar. "Let's go," she said. She stood up._

" _What?" Elliot asked, shocked by the abrupt change in her demeanor._

" _You're taking me home."_

 _Elliot smiled. "You already too drunk to walk home, Benson?"_

" _No…" Olivia looked around the bar for anyone they knew. When she knew they were all clear, she took his hand and made him turn to face her. She looked him in the eyes as hard as she could, her expression serious and controlled. "I *need* you to take me home, Elliot."_

 _Elliot's expression softened when he picked up on what she was saying. "But I thought you said—"_

" _I know what I said," she interrupted._

" _I don't want you to regret this, Liv, you're too important to me."_

" _I won't," she swore. "I don't regret those other times either, I just…" *don't want either of us to get oo attached,* she thought. "Look… If you don't want to, just say the word and I'll drop it, but," she closed her eyes and exhaled, realizing as she said it just how desperately she wanted him right then. She continued barely above a whisper, scared by her own emotions for her best friend. "God, I need you tonight, El…" she brought her hand to his abdomen to make herself as clear as possible. "I need you hot and rough and filthy… I need you to get this week off of me. And I think you need the same thing."_

 _When she met his eyes again, she saw understanding and they were out the door seconds later._

…

" _Off!" she demanded breathlessly as she struggled with Elliot's belt buckle behind her. He had her pinned to the wall in her living room, groping at her breasts as he sucked and licked her neck from behind. He whipped her tee shirt up over her head and she worked on her bra as he removed his own shirt._

" _Ungh! Fuck!" Olivia cursed as she was slammed back into the wall, her breasts pressed against the cold surface as Elliot's body crushed hers against it. His erection thrusted against her ass and her eyes rolled to the back of her head, needing to feel it inside of her. She reached back to try undoing his pants again, but Elliot stopped her, taking her wrists and pinning them on the wall on either side of her head._

" _Not yet," Elliot breathed heavily. His movements stopped. He leaned his head forward onto the back of Olivia's head. "You said rough and filthy," he said. "Tell me my limits, Liv… I don't want to hurt you."_

 _Olivia shook her head quickly. "Nothing is off limits. I need it hard. I need it dirty. I need it to hurt. Fuck me, Elliot."_

 _And with that, Elliot had Olivia's pants down to her ankles, causing her to gasp at the quick movement. He grabbed her ass and palmed it several times. "You have no idea how much I love your ass."_

 _Olivia laughed. "You don't think I notice you staring at it?"_

 _He slapped her right butt cheek, hard enough that she knew it was red, sending a gush of wetness to her core. He pulled her away from the wall a few feet._

" _Bend over," he said, pushing at her back. Before she could get her thoughts together about what he was doing, she was spreading her legs as far as they would go with them bound by her pants at the ankles, and she bent over, waiting for Elliot's cock._

 _Her eyes shot open wide. "Ohhh my god!" she moaned as she felt Elliot's tongue lap her core. He pressed her ass into his face as he slurped, licked and sucked. He changed his rhythm then to long languid strokes, opening her ass for better access. The strokes got longer and longer until she felt it—something she knew he had never done with his Catholic school girl wife—he let his tongue drift to her anus. She felt a sensation she hadn't felt before and she loved it. She wanted it again._

" _Yes!" she breathed when he stroked his tongue from her sensitive clit to her anus once again. Then he stopped there with his tongue, pressing against it harder and swirling it in a circle. Her breath was ragged and she leaned over more in hopes that it would somehow let his tongue go deeper. But then it was back on her clit. "Fuck fuck fuck, so good…" she said, feeling his tongue release pressure on her sensitive core. He licked… No, he ate. His lips taking bites of her swollen, needy pussy as his tongue moved all around her clit. She had never been this vulnerable with a man before, but she trusted Elliot with every aspect of her being. And she needed more._

" _Elliot… fuck! Goddamn it, El… I need you in me. Fuck me!"_

 _Without his mouth leaving its spot, she felt his fingers penetrate her forcefully._

 _She gasped and her knees buckled. "Shit!" she breathed. Elliot held her up with his free arm and chuckled, the vibrations sending her closer to an orgasm. "I'm gonna cum!" she somehow managed to say._

 _Her eyes fell shut and she inhaled sharply as she felt more than she ever expected… his tongue on her clit, fingers in her vagina, and one finger barely penetrating her ass is what sent her into oblivion._

" _Yes! Fuck! God, yes!" she screamed, her body spasming and writhing. Elliot continued pleasuring like this for the duration of her orgasm, until she reached back and pushed his head away. "Okay, okay!" she warned._

 _She was about to turn around and get his pants off when Elliot picked her up from behind, walked a few steps and leaned her over the back of the couch. Her face was still buried in a pillow Elliot shoved his cock into her, giving her no time to adjust to his size before pulling back out and slamming back into her, the slap of their bodies echoing through her apartment. His cock hit every right spot, relieving some of the pressure from her core. She finally got her bearings and propped herself up on the back of the couch, using her legs to thrust back into him, quickening his already-fast pace._

" _Goddamn it, Olivia," Elliot said. "You feel so fucking good."_

" _Harder."_

 _Elliot could only groan at her request, and he slammed his pelvis into her with more force, eliciting a sensual yell from Olivia. He kept thrusting as he stood her upright and palmed her perfect breasts, pinching her nipple with his left hand as his right made its way to her neck. It stayed there for several moments before she felt a hesitant squeeze. She leaned her head back against Elliot's shoulder and covered his hand with hers. She tightened her hand over his, effectively giving him permission to choke her._

 _He placed his thumb and fingers over her arteries and squeezed harder. Olivia's eyes rolled back again at the sensation. Her body started to feel lighter, more limp… Another orgasm building as her vision tunneled and ears rang. She smiled, for the first time in days, as her body started orgasming in waves and she saw stars in her blackening vision. She collapsed and Elliot's hand released when she hit the floor._

 _When she came to, Elliot was laying on the floor next to her, breathless and fully erect._

" _All that and you still didn't finish?" she asked, sitting up once she felt coherent again._

 _He laughed and flopped his arm down to brush her hair back from her face. "I was almost there when you slid off me and collapsed."_

 _Olivia laughed and crawled towards him, kissing down his chest._

" _What are you doing, Liv?"_

 _She dragged the tip of her tongue down his shaft slowly. "What do you think I'm doing?"_

 _A noise that Olivia could only explain as a growl of sorts escaped Elliot's chest. She grabbed his shaft firmly and pumped it as she continued lower. She reached the base and opened her mouth wide to suck his testicles into it, using her tongue to swirl it around, sucking in and out._

" _Fuck!" Elliot whispered above her._

 _She licked her way back up then, stopping to flick the head of his cock with her tongue before she took him into her mouth completely, relaxing her throat as he hit the back of it, then pushing her head down on him further. She closed her lips around him then and sucked hard as she came back up, then repeated the process._

" _Holy shit, Liv…" Elliot breathed, his hands raking through her hair as he watched her._

 _She could feel the blood rushing to his dick as she sucked him faster and faster._

" _Liv… I'm gonna… You gotta stop…"_

" _Just cum, Elliot, it's okay."_

 _He sat up then and kissed her for the first time that night. She tasted herself on his lips. His kiss was softer than anything they'd done and her chest swelled involuntarily. She felt it in her chest, stomach, toes… She pulled back and saw it again—that look that scared the fuck out of her._

" _No," he said. "I want to cum while I'm inside of you." He pushed her back to the floor and slid into her, causing her to arch her back in pleasure. "I want to look at you when you cum again." She was paralyzed by his touch, his trusts, his words, that damn look. That pressure built again as he thrusted harder and deeper into her and she couldn't take her eyes off his. Fucking bastard._

" _Come for me again, Olivia."_

" _Oh god." That's all it took, his goddamn words and she was pulsating around his cock, spilling herself over him, writhing beneath him, and seconds later she felt his warm fluids release inside her._

 _He collapsed on top of her, their pants syncing as they came down from their high. She stared at the ceiling when his head fell down to her shoulder and she held back tears. She wanted it rough and dirty so it wouldn't feel romantic, so it wouldn't allow him time to love her. And somehow she was laying there with his weight pressing into her, and she was happy. She was happier than she'd ever been. But she was also laying there fully aware that she was lying to herself when she hold herself she wasn't in love with him._

 _She couldn't be in love with him._

 _He's not hers to love._


	4. Chapter 4

**You can thank JessicaRNY for making me laugh with her comments and giving me the energy for an update. Hope this long one is worth the wait. More sexy times to come. The story is all in my head, I just need the time to get it all on the interwebs.**

* * *

"At that point, I was lying to myself about my feelings for him, but I didn't _really_ know I was lying to myself yet. Or at least I couldn't acknowledge it," Olivia explained. "But in retrospect, I think that was the moment I started to fall. The incredible sex didn't help, I'm sure. All I know is that it scared me."

Amanda nodded. "You said things got messy after that."

"Yeah," Olivia said. "Something was off that night, with him being at the bar in Manhattan. I didn't think much of it at the time, but in the following weeks he changed. He had anger issues to begin with, but he was especially testy and more easily set off. It felt like he would argue with me about things he normally wouldn't."

"Was he freaking out about sleeping with you?"

"No," Olivia answered. "That was my first thought too, but that wasn't it."

 _They drove silently in the car on their way back to the precinct from a crime scene. They argued—again—over the dumbest thing. They never spoke about their sex life outside of the bedroom, or wherever it was they were having sex. They never acknowledged it at work or out with friends. But she was beginning to think she needed to bring it up._

" _El…"_

" _What."_

" _What's wrong? You've been off for weeks." Olivia treaded lightly, tried opening the door for him to explain so she didn't have to ask pointed questions._

 _Elliot huffed. "I'm fine."_

" _Did I do something wrong?"_

" _Olivia, I said I'm fine."_

" _You're not fine, El. You've been getting upset with me over the littlest things, more temperamental with suspects, yelling at rookie cops…"_

 _He was silent for a moment as he drove. It seemed like he was acknowledging that she was right._

" _I'm sorry," he finally said. "I'm just… not myself."_

 _Olivia's heart fell from her chest, knowing the most obvious reasons: He felt guilty about sleeping with her, he was mad, she must have pushed him too far. She looked out the window. 'It was just sex', she told herself, not allowing herself to get emotional. But she couldn't look at him when she asked. "Is it because of… what we did?"_

 _His hand on hers caused her to look in his direction where their eyes met with laser-sharp focus. "No," he demanded. He looked at the road for a split second to make sure he was still driving safely, then found her eyes again. "Oliva, that was…" he stopped himself. Maybe he realized he was going to say too much. "It's not that, Liv. Never that. Okay?"_

 _Olivia nodded and his hand left hers as he continued to drive. She believed him, but she hated how distant he felt._

"It doesn't sound messy, Liv," Amanda said. "It sounds like he was just having a bad week."

Olivia smiled. "Just wait," she said. "Yes, he was having a bad week. And a few weeks later it came out that he and his wife, Kathy, had filed for legal separation and she had taken the kids to her parents' house."

"Oh shit," Amanda said. "How did he tell you?"

"It all came out heatedly, of course," Olivia laughed. "We fought yet again back at the precinct until we were called into Cragen's office. Our perp's attorney was there, and she dug up the information, but I didn't believe it. Or, I guess I was confused by it. Elliot stormed out, I followed him, and asked him what was going on.

" _Kathy left me."_

"What did you say when he told you?" Amanda asked.

"Nothing. I stood there with my mouth hanging open like an idiot. I was stunned. I had so many thoughts swirling around my mind that I couldn't settle on one thought to say out loud. I was worried for my friend, I couldn't believe I had no idea that she left him, and suddenly, the one thing that was standing between us was removed… the one person that made our weirdly-close friendship possible and safe was gone and so many unknowns surfaced… He left me standing there and I went home that night to process it."

"And?"

"And… yes, he was technically available, but I couldn't acknowledge my feelings to myself yet, and even though it seems like their separation would be the perfect invitation to sort those feelings out, Elliot needed to have the traditional family—his wife and kids. It was such a huge part of who he was… _is_ … And it wasn't the time to think about _that._ He wasn't himself and needed me, his partner, to be strong for him. He needed a friend, stability. So, I made the decision that I would be what he needed. And sex with another woman was the last thing he needed."

" _Elliot. What happened with you and Kathy?"_

" _The job… makes me kinda hard to live with."_

" _She should try working with you."_

'We talked briefly at the precinct, but we were interrupted. But since it was out in the open, I guess he felt like he was free to talk about it more. Or talk as much as Elliot 'talked'," Olivia's eyes rolled as she laughed at the thought. Talks with Elliot were monosyllabic at best, but she knew how to read him in a way that said much more. "He showed up at my place that night."

" _Hey." His face was drawn down, but a small smile appeared on his lips. "Truce?" He was referring to the incessant fights they'd had recently._

 _Olivia stepped aside to let him in. "No truce. Your wife left you. You win all fights for one week."_

" _Is that an official rule?" he asked amusingly as he entered._

" _Yep. But in seven days, I'll give you a verbal ass kicking if you provoke me like you have been."_

 _He shrugged his jacket off and slung it over the arm of the couch as he sat down. "I'm sorry, Liv."_

 _Oliva took her spot on the chair adjacent and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

 _His shoulders raised for a moment. "Not exactly something I'm excited to share with people." He reached for the remote and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. Olivia guessed that meant he was staying a while, so she started to get up to grab a couple beers from the fridge. But before Elliot turned on the TV, he stopped her._

" _Liv."_

" _Yeah?"_

" _I meant what I said in the car a few weeks ago…This… me and Kathy… it isn't about what we did."_

 _A weight the size of Texas had been pressing down on her chest and radiating to her throat. Elliot brought it to life with that one sentence. "Okay…" she said with trepidation, but she didn't move. She didn't believe him. And she was glad he brought it up so she didn't have to._

" _You're not convinced." he said._

" _I know Kathy doesn't…_ _ **know**_ _… about that but… does this have anything to do with us at all? Our partnership?" Kathy was the jealous type and didn't care for their closeness. Olivia always worried about coming between them._

" _It's about work—which you're a part of," Elliot answered. "The job is the problem. If you were a dude we wouldn't even be having this conversation."_

" _But… I'm_ _ **not**_ _a dude."_

 _Elliot smirked. "I've noticed."_

 _She ignored the eye-twinkle she was surely imagining. "So, she still would have left if you were partnered with Munch?"_

" _She would have left if I was partnered with a ferret."_

" _She wouldn't be mad if she knew you were here right now?"_

 _Elliot sighed and turned back to the TV. Olivia could tell he wasn't going to answer the question, but she could see the wheels of his mind turning, deciding what to say._

" _The house is… empty. I'm not used to it. I needed to be… not there. So I came here."_

 _She understood, and the conversation ended. The TV flipped on and she headed for the fridge._

"But he got back together with his wife, right?" Amanda asked. "What I heard about him was that he was always married. That's why you two never got together."

"They got back together two years later."

Amanda choked on her coffee, which was surely cold by now. "TWO YEARS?" she said. "And you didn't lock that man down in the two years he was available? What the hell, Liv? Now I get why everyone gave y'all so much crap. Y'all are obnoxious and I wasn't even there for it!" she cleared her throat of the coffee she inhaled as Olivia chuckled. "So how long did y'all make it without hooking up again?"

"Oh, it was a while before we actually had sex… Years."

" _Actually_ had sex?" Amanda pried. "Was there figurative sex?"

Olivia laughed. "I don't know what figurative sex means, but there were just… moments."

"Like?"

"Like…" Olivia's stomach dropped just remembering the case. "Maria… I was on the phone with a trafficked young girl for hours as we tried to find her. When the phone died I thought I'd lost her for good. I'd been called in for the case from a date so I was all dressed up, and I went home to change only to find Elliot on the stairs of my apartment."

 _He eyed her as she walked up. He was probably expecting business casual. Not a cocktail dress._

 _She stopped just short of the stoop. "Cragen?" Her face was blank; affect flat. She knew he could tell she'd been crying._

 _Elliot nodded. "I was on my way home from Dicky's soccer game when he called so I just came over."_

 _He stood and turned as Olivia walked past him and fished her keys out of her purse to open the door. "He didn't need to call you. I'm fine," she said. "I just came home to change, then I'm heading back to the precinct."_

" _Good. I'll give you a ride," Elliot said. "We'll stop and get dinner on the way."_

 _Olivia knew he was placating her, but she didn't have the energy to argue. She just let him follow._

" _Cragen didn't tell me much," Elliot said as they walked into her apartment, "just that it's been a tough case for you."_

" _I'm fine," she repeated, hanging her shawl up in the entry way._

" _So you said."_

 _She set her purse down on the kitchen counter and paused, leaning onto her hands on the edge of the counter. She didn't want to get emotional with Elliot. Not right now. She still had a full night of work ahead of her. But she did want to process what just happened. She could at least brief him on the case._

 _Her back was still to him when she finally spoke. Her voice was quiet. Defeated. "I talked to this girl for three hours, Elliot… Three hours and we got… nowhere." Some words spilled out in sadness, some in anger. Her heart ached for Maria. She was glad she wasn't facing Elliot as a tear escaped. "Nine years old and she's been starved, beaten, and gang raped more times than she can count."_

 _She hated getting this emotional over a case, and she didn't want Elliot to think she couldn't handle it, but she knew by the way she heard him step closer that he could sense how deeply she was hurting. Olivia felt more than most, but she drove those feelings into her work. It was rare cases like this where she wasn't even close to getting justice that she couldn't contain that deep well of emotion._

" _She sang for me…" Olivia whispered, her voice strained. More tears flowed to her cheeks and she didn't care anymore that Elliot was there to see it. She turned around to face him but veered her glassy eyes away. "She sang like any other kid, El." Her throat was tight. She could barely squeeze the words out. "She asked if I had kids and everything in me wanted to tell her, 'you can be mine, sweetheart. You can be mine. You can be loved. You're worth so much more than this…'"_

 _She wished Elliot would have been there. They're at their best when they work together, play off one another. He would have had insight that she didn't or take something she noticed and make another connection. She could have used his strength and fierceness, his fury for kids who deserve justice._

 _No. It's good that he was with his family. She should have been fine without him. She's independent. She shouldn't need him like that._

 _She shook her head, more tears falling even though she tried to stop them. "I didn't do enough," she said, her voice raising. "I could have done more! I should have pushed harder! I didn't do enough and now she's probably dead because of it!"_

 _In two long strides Elliot scooped Olivia into his arms and held her tight. Olivia grasped his tee shirt into her fists and leaned her head onto his shoulder, the material immediately serving to soak up her tears. Her own shoulders shook as she sobbed, not caring in the least about her pride anymore. She wept into Elliot's embrace because it was safe; because he allowed her to; because he created that space for her._

" _I don't believe that for a minute, Liv," Elliot whispered. "I know you did everything you could. Everything. There's no doubt in my mind."_

 _The next few minutes were silent except for the deafening sounds of Olivia's sobs. She cried until she couldn't anymore, then finally, once the tears subsided, she could focus on catching her breath. She breathed in deeply and blew out slowly, but the sound of her breath still held a high pitch. Her lungs still felt erratic. She breathed in again. This time, she focused on the scent of aftershave, grass, and sweat emanating from Elliot. She breathed him in and she found stability in her lungs. She felt his tight hold around her as her chest expanded and fell. Her head stayed nuzzled into Elliot's neck as she let go of his shirt she had fisted into her hands, and she splayed her hands over his chest and around to his back, pulling herself into him a little closer._

 _She felt intoxicated, outside of herself. One second she was praying that she would calm down, stop crying, and the next, she felt goosebumps spreading all over Elliot's body at her touch. She realized that even though they'd slept together, they had never just embraced. They didn't do this, they didn't just stand there and hug, but at the same time, it felt like they'd been holding onto each other for years._

 _Emotionally, maybe they had._

 _She felt like she was spinning. His arms around her, his smell in her breath, the way she felt up against his chest. She had planted herself with her head at his neck. But now she felt her head rocking as her lips desperately wanted to taste his skin. She breathed a little deeper as she tried to tell herself not to, but there was something magnetic about him in this moment that wouldn't allow her to pull away. So she stayed there, her mouth open an inch from his skin._

 _Her body tingled as she felt is large hands move from her waist, up to the bare skin of her upper back and she felt her core tighten at the simple skin to skin contact. She felt him rub along the top of her dress and stop at the zipper. Her eyes opened at the thought that he might lower it, and she secretly hoped he would. He felt the zipper tag in his fingers for a moment, then let go, splayed his hand across her back again and continued to rub._

 _Of course he wouldn't lower it, she thought. That part of their relationship was over. They were back to their friendship, his focus was everywhere else—not on her._

 _But he_ _ **was**_ _here. Holding her. He was here to be there for her. What if this is what she needed?_

 _Their breathing started to sync as they stood and held each other. Their bodies unintentionally started to sway and Elliot took one step forward, which pressed her against the kitchen counter._

 _It was when his erection hit her stomach that she knew they were on the same page and she lost all restraint. Half of her whimper met the air, and half met his skin as her lips devoured the flesh of his collarbone._

 _He found the zipper again in an instant and slid it down her back, earning breathy moans from Olivia as he quickly moved his hands under the material to hold the bare skin of her back. He brought his lips down to her neck and kissed her there, sucking lightly. One of her hands slid up to hold his head as her own head fell back to give him more access. The other hand slipped down to his ass and she pulled him forward, practically begging to feel his need for her again._

 _She moaned as he rocked into her, her sounds making him thrust harder. Fuck. She needed him. She needed to feel him. Every inch. Suddenly she felt like the dam they had built over the past eleven months had broken and was flooding them. Suffocating them. She didn't know if she could control herself. She could feel his erection against her core and she couldn't stop the moans from escaping, or her hips from rubbing against him more. The way he unzipped her and took hold of her skin lit her fire and she couldn't quench it. She didn't want to. She needed him inside her. Now._

 _He pulled her dress roughly down her arms as her hands went for his belt buckle, but she was distracted when he took hold of her breast and squeezed her possessively over her bra, continuing his assault on her neck with his mouth. He nipped at her while his hand pinched her hard nipple and he groaned as he squeezed. She smiled. For an ass guy, he spent a lot of time sneaking peeks down her shirt._

 _He thrusted his lower half into her again. "Oh god…" Again. And again._

 _Her core ached. She couldn't wait any longer._

" _El…"_

" _Tell me what you want, Liv." His voice was low, gravely, so sexy. He reached for the hem of her dress and pulled it up until he could hook a thumb under her thong._

" _I want you to—"_

 _They froze at the shrill sound of her phone._

 _Her body trembled, though she wasn't sure where exactly the fear was stemming from. That first ring felt like it lasted a decade._

 _The second ring sounded and reality hit her like a brick. His family. His distance. Their partnership. Their job. Maria. He had been separated for almost a year and had never indicated he wanted anything to do with her outside the job. Sure, they spent time together and he hung out at her place, but she hadn't seen 'that look' since the last time they slept together. He was over her. He was focused on getting his family back. All this was for him was a way to fulfill her need. He was helping his partner._

 _And for the first time ever, it bothered her._

 _She turned quickly, avoiding eye contact as she moved away from Elliot and brought her dress back up her arms. She retrieved her phone from her purse and held it up to her ear with her other hand holding her dress to her chest, frustratingly aware that her entire back was still exposed._

" _Benson."_

" _Yes, Captain. I'm about to head back… No sir, I'm fine, really. I want to work… Yes sir… Elliot?" She glanced at him and saw his face lift at the mention. "Yeah, um… he called… Okay. Sure. I'll see you soon."_

 _She kept her head down. "I need to change," she said as she headed for her bedroom, refusing to make eye contact._

" _Liv…"_

 _She shut the door before he could say anything._

 _She leaned up against the bedroom door and pinched her eyes closed. "Shit!" she whispered. Why was this bothering her so much? She used to be fine with a meaningless, help-a-partner-out fuck. They stopped because she thought he was falling in love with her, but now that he's over that it shouldn't be a problem, right?_

 _No. Stop._

 _She wouldn't let herself dwell on it. She didn't have time. She needed to get back to work to find Maria. Or, more likely, Maria's body. She shook her head and went to her dresser to change into jeans and a pink sweater._

 _She took a deep breath before walking back to the living room, deciding to ignore what happened and focus on the case._

" _I have to get back to work," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."_

" _Liv…"_

" _I have a case, Elliot," she replied, intense warning in her voice._

" _I'm driving you over there," Elliot said. "I'll even stay and help."_

" _You took the day off. You don't need to go in. And I can get to the precinct just fine by myself."_

 _He grabbed her elbow as she walked past him and her breath hitched. She looked down to his hand around her arm, then up to his eyes. She wasn't sure if she was eyeing him seductively or as an angry challenge, but one of those options made him let go of her._

" _Just let me drive you," he said softly._

 _Confusion and exasperation overwhelmed her for a moment. "What were we thinking, Elliot?" she whispered, shaking her head. "We haven't done that in… We said we wouldn't—"_

 _He sighed. "Let me drive you."_

 _After a beat, she exhaled sharply and nodded._

* * *

 _The silence felt thicker than usual on the drive to the 1-6._

" _So, did you have a date tonight before you were called back in?"_

 _Of course, he couldn't help but ask about her dress. Like always, he was jealous and possessive with no intentions but to keep her away from other men. Partners and only partners for life._

 _She didn't say it out loud, but the look she gave him clearly said, 'seriously? That's what you're going to say to me?'_

 _She turned back to stare out the window without a word._

 _Elliot tapped on the steering wheel with his thumb._

" _Liv…"_

" _Don't." It came out in a whisper. The first word she'd said since they started driving. "Maybe it's better if we don't talk about it."_

" _But you don't know what I—"_

" _We're partners. We're close. It was an… intimate… moment and we got caught up in it. Just like we have before. It doesn't mean anything," Olivia explained. "We just need to forget about it."_

 _Elliot's jaw twitched as he stared out the windshield. He nodded._

"… _Right?..." she asked him hesitantly._

 _Elliot pulled up to the precinct and parked the car as he thought. He exhaled forcefully and his head shook slowly back and forth. "I don't know, Liv… Maybe."_

 _She nodded and determined it in herself that it was a mistake. She was reaching for the handle to get out when he spoke again._

" _But…" She paused and looked back at him. He hung his head low. "We should talk—"_

" _I can't right now," she whispered. And in a heartbeat, she was gone._

Olivia looked up at Amanda from her empty coffee mug. "We never talked."


	5. Chapter 5

"That entire year was an emotional roller coaster and set the tone for a lot of what happened between us." Olivia mentioned as she and Amanda left the coffee shop. "Just a few weeks after the Maria case, we met Dana Lewis." She looked at her surroundings on the New York City street. Their respective homes would cause them to have to depart in different directions, but it was clear that neither of them was done with this conversation. "Want to grab a glass of wine at my place while we talk?"

"Lead the way," Amanda replied. "I've heard you and Fin mention Dana before. She's FBI, right?"

"Yeah, we met her years ago during a white supremacist case and she was undercover." Olivia smiled as she remembered her friend. "Dana is bat shit crazy, but she's a great agent. One of the best. We don't talk often, but we always keep in touch."

"What does she have to do with you and Elliot?"

"She'll have more to do with it later, but this case I'm talking about is just where we met her. It's also the first time Elliot got shot and I found out that Kathy started divorce proceedings."

" **First time** he got shot?"

Olivia waved a hand at her absent-mindedly. "I'll get there."

" _Has anyone called Kathy yet?" Olivia asked at his hospital bedside. She had rushed to the hospital the moment news of the shooting reached her. She knew he was okay, but she hated that she wasn't with him in the courtroom to have his back._

 _Elliot shook his head. "Don't."_

" _Elliot…" Kathy would want to know. Why is he being difficult? "Don't be like that. You know—"_

" _She started divorce proceedings."_

 _Olivia stilled. He knew how to drop these bombs at the worst times._

" _When?"_

" _A couple weeks ago."_

 _He said it flatly, but she could see that he was hurting, his pride was shot more violently than his arm, and she wasn't sure what to say._

" _I've got the papers at home, I just haven't signed them yet."_

"He was so focused on his lack of a home life at that point that _we_ weren't even a thought, but our friendship was so tight by then that I was surprised he waited so long to tell me," Olivia said to Amanda.

"So no 'moments,' as you call them, during that case?" Amanda asked.

"Just one," Olivia said. "We all went out to the bar after that case. Well—all but Munch, who got shot in the ass."

The comment made Amanda laugh out loud.

"I noticed that Elliot was drinking more than usual. We both got pretty drunk."

"Oh no. Drunken sex with Elliot?"

"No," Olivia corrected. "Elliot wasn't even on my radar anymore as a possibility, and I wasn't on his as far as I could tell. I had an eye out for someone else that night."

 _Dan Morton, Olivia thought as she saw the homicide detective stagger into the bar, no doubt from the other establishment across the street. Drunk or not, he looked fine as ever and she was definitely up for a 'night cap.'_

" _Olivia Benson," Dan sang as she sauntered to him from the bar._

" _Fancy seeing you here," she joked. They had run into each other many times before and she was always satisfied by the end of the night. She approached and leaned up against the bar, facing him. They found themselves in a corner where the bar met the wall._

 _Dan swept her hair away from her face and moved in a little closer. "Why don't we skip the pleasantries and just get out of here?"_

 _She smiled. Exactly what she was hoping for… But some amount of sobriety must still be lingering because she had the sense to look back at her table of co-workers. She never let them in on her private life and she wasn't going to start now. It was only then that she realized how close she was to Dan and she took a step back as she peered across the bar. Everyone was engaged in conversation except Elliot, whose eyes she could only describe as daggers were stabbing into her. Her breath caught in her chest and she took another step back, running into the wall._

 _Dan looked over to see what she was staring at. "Let's go out the back," he said. "None of them have to know."_

 _Olivia's mind was racing, she couldn't catch her thoughts. She wanted to leave with Dan and indulge in a night of hot, meaningless sex, but something about Elliot's stare was messing with her head. "Um… maybe tonight isn't the best night, now that I think of it," she finally said. "Rain check?"_

 _Dan stepped in and she focused her attention on the suddenly unwanted advance. "Then stop thinking so much. I'll make you forget all about him."_

 _Her eyes sharpened, and brows furrowed. "Forget about who?" she asked incredulously._

 _Dan's eyes rolled into his smirk. "The guy staring us down like he owns you," he said. Owns me? She thought. He lowered his voice. "Look, everyone knows you and Stabler are—"_

" _Me and Stabler are_ _ **what?**_ _"_

 _Dan pinched his lips together and sighed. "Nothing… Nevermind."_

" _I shouldn't have come over here," Olivia said and made her move to walk away. But Dan's arm around her waist pulled her back into the corner._

" _Wait, baby," Dan said. Normally Olivia enjoyed Dan's strength and aggression, but right now it wasn't a turn on. Not in front of her co-workers. Not in front of Elliot._

 _She pushed Dan away. "_ _ **Not. Tonight."**_

 _He moved back in and trapped her in the corner with an arm. "I'll fuck you better than he ever has."_

" _I don't know what you're talking about." She pushed again, but this time Dan was prepared, not budging._

" _I'm talking about you and Sta—"_

 _In the blink of an eye, a hand landed on Dan's shoulder, he turned around and was down on the floor while someone was dragging her out of the back entrance by her arm. She was outside the bar by the time she realized Elliot had punched Dan and led her away._

" _What the fuck was that?!" Olivia yelled, pulling her arm out of Elliot's grasp and stopping in her tracks._

" _He was being forceful!" Elliot yelled—and slurred, she noticed. "You were pushing him away and he wouldn't ressspec that!"_

" _I can take care of myself, Elliot!" she found the nearest wall to lean against. Too much movement in a short amount of time made everything spin... Less bourbon next time._

" _Thass not what it looked like from where I was sitting!"_

" _It's none of your goddam business!" Olivia yelled, holding her head as she found a comfortable position leaning against the brick._

 _Elliot stomped toward her. "It is absolutely my business! You're my partner! It's my job to protect you!"_

" _On the job!" she dropped her hands from her head and prepared for their umpteenth fight. "Your job is to protect me on the field! I don't need you to protect my personal life, Elliot!"_

" _Bullshit! You're drunk! You couldn't fight him off!"_

" _It was Morton, Elliot! He wasn't going to hurt me! If he did, he knows he's have 500 cops to answer to!"_

" _Morton is a bastard! You don't need to be talking to him!"_

" _ **Excuse me**_ _?" Olivia's eyebrows shot up. "I don't need to be_ _ **talking**_ _to him? You don't fucking own me, Elliot."_

" _Well I'm not going to sit back and watch you get assaulted. I can't just look at you and—"_

" _ **Then stop looking!"**_

 _The alley stilled at her words. Elliot's chest heaved a foot away from her, those daggers shooting directly into her own eyes._

 _She realized she made some kind of impact, so she repeated herself more calmly. "Stop. Looking."_

 _Elliot breathed out forcefully and found a spot on the ground to focus his attention. He stumbled just a little when he shuffled his feet, then found a steady spot next to Olivia, his arm leaning into the wall by her head. He exhaled again into his other hand as he dragged it down his face._

 _She hated that he treated her like one of his daughters. Over-protective and overbearing. She could admit that sometimes she enjoyed it, sometimes it made her feel loved, cared for, which was nice since she didn't have that growing up. Other times, like tonight, it made her feel small and weak, like she couldn't protect her own damn self like she knew she could—like she always had._

 _But then he spoke._

" _I can't."_

 _He stared at the wall behind her, unable to make the eye contact she so desperately wanted as she stood completely still. "I can't stop looking at you."_

 _Except right now, she thought. Because he wouldn't meet her eyes. Tell her he meant it. Kiss her. Hold her. Show her that he thinks about her now that he's single. Make all this waiting worth it._

 _Shit. She's been waiting. The realization hit her in the gut. Now she_ _ **really**_ _couldn't breathe._

" _I look at you," he repeated, so quietly._

 _She was drawn into his sadness, touched by his admission, but still angry. She felt his free hand slip to her waist as his eyes moved somewhere below her face, and as much as she wanted to stop him from doing something he wouldn't remember tomorrow, she desperately wanted to feel his flesh against hers again. It had been so long._

 _He shifted and stumbled slightly again when he moved his hand up her arm, to her throat, and drug a finger down the center of her chest, stopping right above her cleavage. She breathed deeply._

" _I can't_ _ **not**_ _look at you… I've… I've tried," he admitted._

 _She didn't know if drunk-Elliot was a truth speaker or and schmooze._

 _And her heart sank as she smelled the whiskey, heard the slur, and watched as he stumbled away, rubbing his neck, leaving her standing in the bar's back alley to go back in and explain everything to her friends. Though he was almost out of sight, she finally felt the daggers pierce her eyes and tears started to form._

 _But Olivia shook her head and willed the tears back, blotting her under-eyes with her fingers to make sure there was no moisture. He's drunk, she thought. I'm drunk. These aren't real feelings. He won't remember this._

"And he didn't. He was way too drunk to remember anything and we never talked about that night. I went back into the bar, explained that Elliot was upset about Kathy and no one questioned it."

Olivia and Amanda walked into Olivia's apartment. She greeted the nanny, Lucy, and peeked in on her sleeping Noah in his room before opening a bottle of wine and sitting with Amanda in the living room.

"I've gotta tell ya, Liv," Amanda started. "The more I hear this story, the more I want to punch both of you in the face. But I'm hooked."

Olivia laughed and sipped her wine. "If I could punch our past selves, I would too."

"So, you guys just moved on and went back to normal?"

"Essentially, yes. Everything went back to normal until…" she took a moment and sighed. "Gitano."


	6. Chapter 6

"Gitano?" Amanda repeated.

Olivia took a long sip of wine. She nodded. "The name of our perp for a case." So many thoughts ran through her head as she tried to find a good place to start. Her heart began to race. Suddenly feeling antsy, she stood and turned to the bookshelf so she would have something to look at while she remembered one of the most horrible weeks of her life. She fingered through the books, not looking for any one in particular, or even reading the titles, it just gave her something to do with her hands.

"It started like any other case. Victor Gitano was a rapist and kidnapper. He killed a family, but kidnapped the two youngest children, Ryan and Rebecca—and I should note that Elliot is extremely sensitive to cases involving children, especially when they go wrong."

"And it sounds like this one went wrong," Amanda mentioned.

Olivia turned back to her friend. "It definitely didn't go right." She took her seat again and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, deep in thought. "We got a tip that Gitano had the kids at the George Washington Bus Terminal, so we went looking. It was crowded, had to get close to get a good look or a safe shot. When I spotted him I moved in, but as soon as I drew my gun he used the little girl as a shield. I couldn't shoot and now he had the upper hand with his knife and my close proximity." She brought her fingers up to her neck and trailed the light, faded scar.

"The scar on your neck," Amanda gathered. "It's from Gitano?"

Olivia was staring into blank space, stuck in the memory when she nodded to confirm it. "It wasn't deep enough to hit my carotid, but it looked bad when it happened. Elliot was a few feet away from Ryan, the boy. He could have gotten to him, but he saw me hit the ground and he…" Her words died off.

"He chose you."

Olivia paused. It sounded so romantic coming from someone else's mouth. It didn't feel like it—then or now. But it was true. He chose her.

"Yeah," Olivia replied. "But then he saw that I was fine, ran after Gitano, only to find the boy dead and Gitano was gone."

"Shit."

"Elliot couldn't deal with it. He was impossible to work with after that and he was taking it out on me—resented the fact that he… _chose_ me over this kid. He stepped all over in me in our interrogations, we had the worst fight we'd ever had in front of the whole precinct… At that point, being a lover was the furthest thing from my mind. He was more like my obnoxious brother with anger issues who was just this ticking time bomb. But he knew I was his match, and I wouldn't go down without a fight."

" _Hey!" Olivia called out to her partner who was actively storming out of the interrogation like a four-year-old having a tantrum. He was ignoring her now too. She knew this was bullshit. His ego was hurt. Time to settle this._

" _Hey!" She called again._

" _He doesn't know anything."_

" _Got somethin you want to say to me? 'Cause if you do let's hear it!"_

 _She watched as he slowed and turned around toward her, a bull in a fit of rage pacing back to her. "Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"_

 _Her eyebrows creased momentarily at the ridiculous question. Bastard acting like she didn't know how to do her fucking job. "He was using the child as a shield!"_

" _How could you let him get so close to you?"_

" _There were innocent civilians around, I couldn't get a shot!"_

" _Welp, you got close and Ryan's dead."_

 _Her eyes widened. "So this is my fault?"_

 _His demeanor changed and he started to walk away again. "No, I can't do this anymore! I can't be lookin' over my shoulder making sure you're okay!"_

 _Bastard. She stormed forward, following him. "You son of a bitch! You know that's not true!"_

" _I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"_

 _Cragen's booming voice sounded just in time, because her comebacks were dwindling with that jab to her gut. Is that really what he thought? She knew that he was angry, saying things he didn't mean. But did he? Was he always looking out for her on the job and off because he didn't think she could do this? Take care of herself? She held it together, but it killed her. And she knew he needed time to cool off._

"Jesus." Amanda was on the edge of her seat.

"Yeah, nothing like trying to solve a case while you're fighting with your best friend who just told you that he doesn't think you can do your job."

"I can see how this case got to you."

Olivia smiled and huffed a short laugh. She hadn't even told her the half of it. "Just wait," she replied. "We kept working, begrudgingly, together. I remember running into an abandoned warehouse with him, thinking it was funny how even when we were fighting, our steps were in sync. But then we split up. I heard a crash and a struggle, ran towards the source, and found Gitano with a gun to my partner's head."

"Shit."

"He was standing behind Elliot, and I was trying to talk him down, but…" She was still frustrated by the memory. "Elliot kept telling me to shoot."

" _I know that you don't want to die," she said to Gitano, her voice calm and controlled. "You could have pulled the trigger on Detective Stabler, and then I would have had to kill you. But you didn't do that. You didn't do that because you're being smart."_

" _You've only got one chance!" Elliot yelled on his knees in front of the kidnapper. "You gotta take it!"_

 _She ignored him, unable to accept what he was saying. She focused on Gitano. "Where's Rebecca, Victor? Is she alive?"_

" _I'm not gonna tell you dick until you drop the gun, bitch!"_

" _SHOOT EM!"_

" _Shut up, Elliot!"_

"He pulled Elliot to his feet, a better shield and an even worse shot for me. I kept trying to talk him into letting Elliot go, finding Rebecca, but he started baiting us, saying Rebecca was dead, that he abused her, called her a slut. Yelling more aggressively that he would kill Elliot. And Elliot just kept…" Her voice caught in her throat, the memory of how suicidal Elliot was made her nauseous.

" _Olivia, there's no reason to keep this piece of crap alive, pull the trigger right now!" She was pissed at him for saying the words, but a part of her knew it was their only way to find Rebecca. If she didn't shoot, they would lose the girl. But she couldn't. He had to stop saying it._

" _OLIVIA, PULL IT! SHOOT HIM!"_

 _Her heart pounded, chest ached as she tightened her grip on her gun. Maybe he was right. She had to shoot him. She had to. God, she couldn't do this. Her throat tightened._

 _Panic set in on Gitano's face. "You know…. That little girl! It's possible that she isn't dead. She could be locked up in this building somewhere. Or someplace else fifteen miles away! You don't really know do you!"_

 _She couldn't listen to this. "You're a liar!" she yelled._

" _Yeah well, that's the point."_

" _Tell us where she is, Victor," she tried one more time, hoping, praying to a God she didn't know, that he would cave._

" _She's here!" Elliot yelled. "She's not dead, otherwise he'd have been long gone!" He turned slightly to address Gitano. "Unless you like em dead. You sick like that too, Gitano? You like to play with corpses?"_

 _Fuck, she wished he would stop provoking him. Stop it, Elliot! Please._

" _Yeah, I love that," Gitano replied. More lies. "The deader the better! They don't fight as much!"_

"They went back and forth and I knew I had to make a decision. The cop in me knew I needed to shoot. But the thought of hitting Elliot made my mind jumbled, my vision blurred. I had to blink hard just to see straight. I was confused and hurting and holding back tears and Elliot's face… God… It was… resolute. Final. Like he had come to terms with his fate, and I was sealing that fate… It makes me sick to think about."

" _Olivia, look at me. You can do the right thing. I didn't. I made that choice with Ryan and it was wrong."_

 _Her breath shook. "Elliot—" It came out in a whisper. Stop, she wanted to say. I can't. I can't lose you. I can't do this without you. You were right before. I need you._

 _She wanted to say so many things but her brain couldn't form them into words._

" _I was my fault," he continued. "Don't do it. Don't make that mistake."_

 _He's her best friend. Her world. He had to know she would always choose him. "I would have done the same thing."_

" _DROP IT! DROP THE GUN! DROP IT NOW!" Gitano yelled suddenly. He must have heard something, but she wasn't sure. The world around her felt fake, insignificant. She trembled. "PUT THE GUN DOWN NOW!"_

 _Gitano panicked again. "I'll tell you where she is!"_

" _Where?" Olivia asked, knowing he was just his last-ditch effort before she had to shoot him._

" _She's in a van. Parked in a garage in Newark. She might still be alive."_

 _Her head shook as her heart broke. "He's lying."_

" _I know," her partner said, the calm in his voice unsettling._

" _He's never gonna tell us," she realized._

" _You're right."_

 _She couldn't even hear what Gitano said after that. She focused on Elliot's face. Understanding. Knowing. She hated him for this._

" _It's alright," he told her._

 _It wasn't. Not when this was their only option. Not when she was about to do what she was about to do. Her body shook. Her face flushed. Her world disappeared and all she could see was him._

 _Him._

 _His face. Those eyes. The shoulder she cried on a few months before. The strength she had clung to for seven years. She met his gaze again and as she brought her finger to the trigger her eyes watered because she finally knew… No—She finally allowed herself to know._

 _She loved him._

 _And when the shot fired from above and Gitano hit the ground, the tears finally flowed from her eyes. She dropped her gun to her side, feeling limp and weak. Seven years of love and passion suppressed were poured out onto her cheeks. Disbelief, anger, and hurt ran through her as she stared at Elliot's confused, relieved face. The words would not leave her mind:_

' _I love him.'_

"I had no time to process what happened because we heard crying and found Rebecca nearby. She was okay, but we took her to the hospital to be sure. Once I knew she wasn't hurt, I met Elliot outside her room, sat down next to him on a hospital couch."

 _It felt good to get off her feet. She sighed as she sat down, running her hands through her hair. There was so much to say, do, feel._

 _There was_ _ **too**_ _much to feel. But for now, she was just glad that her best friend was alive, sitting next to her in one piece._

 _Elliot turned his head toward her. His voice was low. His demeanor tortured. "If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia."_

 _How could he say that?... She faced him, disbelief in her eyes. "No I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect_ _ **me**_ _to cause your death?" He turned away from her. She didn't understand. She didn't understand how he could think she could pull the trigger and watch him die. She didn't understand how he didn't know how she felt about him, how he didn't feel it too. She didn't understand how he expected her to devastate his family. "What about your kids?" she wondered aloud._

" _I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."_

 _She couldn't understand how he thought she could go on without him. "What about me?" she whispered._

" _Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again," Elliot said. "Otherwise… We can't be partners."_

 _She was jolted out of her thoughts by his words, and every semblance of stability she had left in their partnership started crumbling around her. He was willing to give up their partnership, their special 'thing,' for… she wasn't sure what it was for. But it didn't matter. She wouldn't have given it up for anything._

" _I can't believe you're saying that."_

" _You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. I couldn't take it."_

"I sat on that hospital couch for god-knows how long. I sobbed—ugly cried—after he left. I was completely destroyed. The love I felt for him was so intense that day and there was no hiding it from myself anymore. I loved him. I would choose him every time… Every. Single. Time… But he was telling me that he didn't feel the same way."

Olivia noticed that Amanda's eyes were watery when she spoke. "But he said that you and the job—"

"Were all he had anymore," Olivia completed the sentence for her. "I know. But what he didn't realize was that he and the job were all I ever had. He and the job _were_ my life. And now I had this love I'd never experienced before for a man who just… missed his wife. Elliot wanted a distant, platonic partner, and a stable home with his wife and kids."

"But… Are you _sure_ that's what he wanted?"

"In retrospect, I know that he was adjusting and needed time. He was angry about the case and took it out on me. But at the time, I was positive that's what he wanted, and I couldn't handle it. Wanting someone who didn't want me back? Seeing him every day? It was too much."

"So what did you do?" Amanda asked.

Olivia paused, remembering how she made the decision that it wasn't healthy for her to be around him anymore. She needed to move on. She needed time to get rid of the feelings she had. She remembered the moment she dried her tears on that couch, held her head up high, then walked to the 1-6, into Cragen's office, and confidently told him the truth.

" _I want a new partner."_

She remembered the ache in her chest as she said it, the quiver in her chin she held back, but knew it was what she needed. She remembered Cragen's confusion and simultaneous understanding, and wondered what he really thought was going on. She remembered crying herself to sleep that night, knowing she'd wake up to a new job the next day and she'd do it well, all while acting like she wasn't broken.

"I left SVU."


	7. Chapter 7

"Wait. What?! You? Olivia Benson? Olivia Benson was at one time a detective in… NOT special victims?"

"Computer Crimes."

Amanda stood from the couch. "COMPUTER CRIMES? THEY PUT YOU IN COMPUER CRIMES?"

"Amanda, it—"

"ALL THAT KNOWLEDGE, COMPASSION, DETECTIVE SKILL, AND THEY WASTED IT ON FUCKING COMPUTERS?"

"Yes, but it was—"

"COMPUTERS?!"

"For two weeks!"

Amanda's face went blank and she sat back down. "Only two w—" she paused. Baffled. "I need another glass of wine."

Olivia laughed. "Computer Crimes was interesting. It was nice to learn something new for a while, but you're right. It wasn't me. And I missed… people."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "People."

"Yeah, people. And when I heard that _People_ got in a fight with his new partner… Well, that was one major moment before the next time we actually slept together."

"Did y'all talk about why you left? For the love of God please let this story be about you telling him how you felt!"

Olivia's brows raised at the thought. "I all but told him… Then practically told him to fuck me."

Amanda stopped mid-sip. "I'm listening."

" _Why didn't you tell me?" Elliot asked. His entire being exuded anger and hurt._

 _Olivia thought the answer to that question was obvious. She was hurting too. She got a new job and still couldn't stay away. Can't you see that? Why do you think I left, Elliot? she thought. Wake up, goddammit!_

 _She put it as delicately as possible. "Elliot we've been partners for seven years. Longer than anybody else here… We needed a change." She hated the pain she saw in his features, knowing she didn't leave well. She didn't warn or confront him before making the decision. She knew it hurt him, but there was no way she could have gone through with it if she'd told him. Even so, she owed him an apology nonetheless. "I'm sorry. I should have talked to you," she resigned. She missed talking to him. "It's just…" she breathed before she could get choked up, looked away before she could say it. "It's just too complicated."_

 _His face was stoic when she finally forced herself to meet his eyes again, and without a word he headed for the door._

" _Elliot, wait."_

 _He stopped, defeated. But didn't speak._

" _Talk to me," Olivia pleaded._

" _There's nothing else to say." He started forward again._

" _Blaine's not the one you're mad at, Elliot."_

 _He stopped, turned around, and marched toward her. "What do you want from me, Olivia?" he asked heatedly. "What are you doing here?"_

 _She knew what she was asking for when she said it. She made it as clear as possible. But he would never know how badly she needed it just as much as he did. Needed him. Maybe if she got it out of her system one last time she could move on in her new unit. She could stop thinking about him, wanting him._

 _She walked up to him boldly, but hesitantly, knowing this might be the last time, and hoping he wouldn't reject her. She held his eye contact with certainty. Her voice was low and calm. "Don't take it out on Blaine, El… Take it out on me."_

 _Fear and excitement flooded her body when he took her by the shoulders and turned her around, pressing her into the lockers. She missed his scent, his touch, his aggression. And if she was honest, she'd been turned on since she heard he was in a fight. She heard his pants unzip and she shrugged her jacket off with one move. His body covered hers from behind the moment after. She closed her eyes when she felts is strong hands grasp her abdomen, run his hands over her stomach up to her breasts, which he roughly kneaded and squeezed. She bit her lip to stifle her moan. She couldn't let him know she was enjoying it. He lifted her shirt just above her breasts and pulled her bra cups down, leaning into her more as he sighed at the feeling of her flesh in his palms._

" _Turn around," he growled, spinning her to face him again, and he immediately filled his mouth with her full breast, sending the most incredible sensations through her. He palmed her wet core through her jeans, not wasting any time._

 _Olivia gathered her bearings and grabbed his erection through his boxers, stroking him rapidly as he was already hard as hell. He groaned, standing up straight and leaning in, pinning her against the lockers with his body. His hand came up to her jaw and she could see that it was instinctive when he brought his lips to hers._

 _She wasn't expecting it. Not in his anger. And she realized that he didn't expect it either when he paused, her face in his hand, fury in his eyes as he looked at her, unsure. She held his eye contact when she let go of him and pulled her jeans down, kicking them off at the bottom. She left her panties on, knowing he loved that part—removing them. His eyes still angry and confused, she decided she would set him back into the motion he started with. She grabbed his hand from her face and slid it inside her lace panties, watched his eyes roll back as his fingers dipped into her wet folds._

 _She punctuated each syllable, giving him permission to let go of all his rage towards her. Fuck, she needed his rage inside her. Now. "Take. It. Out. On. Me."_

 _His face tightened, and his fingers entered her forcefully, making her gasp and roll her head back onto the lockers. "Shit!" she cursed. He thrusted in and out, pressing his thumb against her clit as he did. Olivia grabbed his shoulders, held on to him with one arm so she wouldn't fall, reached for his erection again with the other hand. She released him from his boxer briefs and as soon as she stroked him he removed his hand from her panties and wet fingers met her breast as he collided his body into hers, thrusting his naked pelvis against her abdomen. She stopped her ministrations at the sudden movement and, as if they had talked about it ahead of time, they moved in sync, Olivia lifting her leg as he hooked an arm under it and hopping right as he lifted her to catch the other leg. She wrapped herself—all extremities—around him, holding him so tightly, scaring herself at how satisfied she was just to be this close to him, even when she knew he was just doing this because he needed a release from his anger. Her body was pinned between Elliot and the lockers as he thrusted against the center of her panties over and over, getting her close to orgasming, but she wanted to feel all of him._

" _Elliot," she panted. "Jesus, Elliot, just fuck me."_

 _Elliot reached between them and pulled the lace to the side before stroking himself and lining up to her core. She prepared for him, ready to feel him inside her after such a long hiatus. But it never came. He froze._

 _Olivia, took his head in her hands and lifted his downcast face to see his eyes. And she understood why he never removed her underwear. They'd had rough sex before, but it was fun and their friendship was good. He couldn't have sex with her in anger. It would feel too much like what they see every day. He couldn't be one of those men. He never would be. It was one of the reasons she loved him. Olivia unwrapped her legs from around him and landed on the floor._

" _I… I can't," Elliot confessed._

" _It's okay," she whispered. And she just wanted to kiss him so badly. But she didn't think he would want her too. The moment was too vulnerable and intimate._

 _She removed his hand from his cock and replaced it with her own, stroking him firmly. "It's okay, El," she repeated. Her other hand rounded his neck and she drew him in to rest on her shoulder while she, literally, took his anger into her own hands."_

 _Elliot groaned as she stroked him faster, and she loved the feel of his thickness in her hands. She closed her eyes, tried to memorize the way this felt. His own hands possessively roamed Olivia's hips, abdomen, breasts, and she could feel that he was close._

" _Fuck!" he muttered into her neck. She knew he was almost there, so she aimed him at her stomach._

" _Right here," she said. "My stomach is fine."_

 _Five strokes later and he was cumming on her abdomen, releasing himself by the work of her hand and he rested against her for a few moments longer, sliding his hands down her sides, grasping at her hips. When he pulled back, Olivia grabbed a nearby towel to wipe her stomach off, and Elliot fixed his pants. She watched him as he adjusted his clothes and avoided eye contact. Even when he technically faced her, he looked everywhere but her eyes. It suddenly made her feel vulnerable and used… Even though she asked him to use her._

 _He buckled his belt. "Thanks for dropping by."_

 _And he was gone._

Amanda opened and closed her mouth a few times like she was about to say something, then changed her mind. Finally, she found her words. "So… was that… awkward later?"

"It would have been if he hadn't called," Olivia answered."

 _Her mind raced on her walk home. What was she thinking? She just ruined everything, she was sure of it._

 _Her phone buzzed and his name lit up the screen. For the first time in their relationship, she wasn't even sure how to answer the phone. Most of the time it was the professional "Benson" greeting, but there were times she knew it was something personal when she'd just answer with a soft "hey". She stopped walking so she could think straight, hit the answer button, and the personal greeting took over larynx._

" _Hey," she greeted. Her tone was soft, warm. She wanted him to know that she didn't hate him. She didn't leave because of their fights or his anger or anything he did._

 _She heard him breathing on the other side and she knew he didn't know what to say._

" _El…"_

" _That can't happen."_

 _Her stomach dropped. She knew it was probably a mistake, but it was one she hoped he wanted to make. But she pulled herself together. "It won't…" she said. "It won't happen again."_

 _They were silent then, and it was strangely comforting for Olivia. She felt like they were at lunch together, sharing a meal in comfortable silence. And while it was comfortable right then too, this silence was much more full of emotion and unknown expectations. She leaned against a fence as she waited._

" _I…" she heard Elliot begin, then change his mind. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."_

 _Olivia chuckled breathily. He knew she liked it rough. That was nothing. "You know you didn't hurt me, El."_

" _No, I mean… I'm just…" he sighed and when he repeated it, Olivia understood that he was talking about what happened between them during Gitano's case. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Liv."_

 _She wasn't even sure if he understood what he did—how he hurt her. But he was genuine, and she knew that the way she left was probably just as painful. "Me too," she said quietly._

" _I'm still… angry," he said._

" _Okay," she replied simply. She understood. He was angry with how she left. But she wasn't ready to be around him yet. Not with all these intense feelings she was sorting through. "And I… I still need time."_

" _Okay."_

 _She started walking again as their silenced dragged for another minute. "Good night, El."_

" _Good night."_

"And after that, things were still icy, but we could at least talk and work together when we ran into each other," Olivia explained.

Amanda shook her head. "Did no one ever just try to shove y'all into a room until you talked this shit out? I mean, Jesus… HE WAS SINGLE FOR CHRIST SAKE! What's next? You ditch the 1-6 altogether and leave him for another man?"

Olivia smirked. "Funny you should say that…"


	8. Chapter 8

"I ended up helping out with an SVU case while in Computer Crimes and I missed it so much that I went back at the end of the case. It was short-lived, though, because we caught another case soon after and worked it with the FBI."

"This is where Dana comes back in," Amanda guessed.

"Right," Olivia confirmed. "And what I thought would be a one-day undercover gig turned into six weeks… In Oregon."

"How long after you went back to SVU from Computer Crimes was this?"

"A few weeks."

"Did you go to get away from Elliot?"

Olivia shook her head. "No," she said. "I went because it was a last-minute, brash decision and I wanted to help, but there was definitely a part of me that thought some distance would be good for us. I was okay being around Elliot at that point, but things were still hard for me. It hurt to be around him sometimes. I thought Oregon would help me get over him. It didn't. But I learned how to bury my feelings even more. It's also where I met my case agent, Dean Porter."

" _It's not T-bone," Olivia told Dean as she slid her pants down to her ankles. "He's a passionate activist but, UGNH!" Dean pulled her hips back into his naked pelvis, then slid his hands under her shirt to feel her breasts. "He's an idiot, not smart enough to pull off terroristic threats. He—oh god—couldn't possibly be a member of EDGE."_

 _Dean's hands were everywhere and Olivia braced herself with her hands on the bathroom wall. "He knows something," Dean said. "You just need to dig—" he thrusted his cock into Olivia. "—deeper."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes at Dean as he fucked her… quick, but steady. "We've pointed you in the right direction, given you the leads… it's up to you to follow them," Dean said. "God you're so fucking hot."_

 _She shut her eyes tightly, trying to drown out the childish compliments of the federal agent, and she reached down to rub her clit vigorously. "Yes," she whispered. She just needed a couple more minutes. Just like this._

 _He leaned in and tweaked her nipples as he thrusted. "Who do you think about when we do this?" he asked quietly._

 _The question caught her by surprise and her eyelids popped open in a flash. After recovering from feeling like she was caught, she responded. "Porter, just stop talking and fuck me."_

 _A few minutes later she was bringing herself to ecstasy while he fucked into her from behind, biting her tongue from saying that name—she had already said too much in her sleep. Dean pulled out moments after and turned to the toilet to cum into it._

 _Olivia pulled her pants up, washed her hands, then opened the door. "Your donuts are gonna get cold. Don't forget the case file on the sink."_

"So, Porter was just a warm body for sex, basically," Amanda summarized.

"Usually, yes" Olivia replied. "But at the very end of my assignment we learned to respect each other and ended up deciding to keep talking and possibly date after despising each other for six weeks."

"How were things with you and Elliot when you went home?"

"Icy, to say the least. When I left we were already in a strange place, so when I got back from Oregon we weren't sure how to act around each other. We were probably most comfortable when we were fighting. I mean, there were a couple moments here and there that reassured me of our friendship—"

" _I'd give you a kidney."_

"—but mostly we were either taking cheap shots or walking on eggshells around one another. Finally, we caught a case that put things into perspective for us and we talked everything out. I went to his apartment and we sat on his steps at four o'clock in the morning and found _us_ again. He explained that he needed the space to disagree with me without fearing the loss of our partnership again, and I really needed to hear and understand that. Then we decided to grab a bite to eat.

 _They made their way to the same diner they always frequented when they worked weird hours. New York City was relatively quiet for once; few cars roamed the streets and no pedestrians were in their way. Olivia felt like their conversation on the steps was good. It was open and vulnerable. She needed it, but there was so much more that needed to be said._

" _You know I would have called if… if I could have… right?" She met a blank expression. "When I left, I mean." He nodded his head back as though he realized what she was saying. "I… If I'd known how long I'd be gone, I wouldn't have just… I wanted to call and tell you, but—"_

" _I know. I get it." He seemed genuine._

" _You do?"_

 _He shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah, you were undercover with the feds. What's not to get?"_

" _Then why… why has it been so strained between us since I got back if you're not mad that I left?"_

 _Elliot gave her a quizzical gaze before he huffed. "You mean aside from the fact that I'm an ass?" He joked. She noticed that he took a moment to hear her chuckle before deciding to be honest. "Just because I get it doesn't mean it didn't suck… And a lot of things have sucked in my life recently that I… I don't know… kinda wished you were there for."_

 _Olivia's heart sank. He'd lost his family, then his best friend without any warning. "You felt like I abandoned you."_

 _He hesitated before he said it. "You did." Her chest prickled, and he must have noticed her guilt because he immediately tried to relieve her of it. "I don't blame you for it. You were doing your job and we were… You and I… We haven't been_ _ **us**_ _in a while. So, I don't blame you for leaving or for my feelings of abandonment, Liv. It just… sucked…"_

" _I miss_ _ **us**_ _," Olivia said._

 _He nodded, which she hoped meant 'me too'. "Maybe catching up over breakfast at 5am will help," he said as he opened to the door to the diner for her._

 _Her eyebrows raised. "Catching up…" she repeated with a smirk. She was loving this chatty side of him, wondered how long it would last. "So, what the hell have you been up to the past couple months, Stabler?"_

 _He shrugged again. "What do you want to know?" he turned to the waitress briefly. "The usual, please."_

" _Same," Olivia told her, then turned back to her partner. "Um…" she pondered. "I don't know…" She'd wondered so many things about his life since she got back. Hell, she wondered them when she was gone too. But there was only one blaring subject she could think of. "How was, uh... how'd you really get along with Dani?" She blurted it out before she could stop herself._

" _We got along fine," he answered flatly._

" _The others say you two were… close."_

 _Elliot eyed her, probably attempting to gauge what she was really asking._

 _She answered his non-verbal question. "I heard a rumor or two."_

 _Elliot rolled his eyes. "The same type of rumors people spread about you and me?" he fired._

" _Yeah." She looked around the diner and lowered her voice. "Rumors that aren't completely false."_

 _He took a beat, his face stoic, but studying. "I didn't sleep with Dani."_

 _She wouldn't show how relieved she was. She just held his stare and nodded. "Okay."_

 _He looked down at his coffee cup and ran a finger over the rim. "I kissed her." Olivia's stomach churned, but when it came to Elliot, she decided to bury her emotions in a deep, unattainable well. Elliot kept his focus on the coffee when he explained. "I was lonely… And had a couple beers."_

" _You don't have to justify your kiss to me, Elliot," she said, trying to be more supportive than defensive._

" _I've been trying to justify it to myself since it happened."_

 _The waitress placed a plate of pancakes in front of both of them._

" _What about you?" Elliot asked as he stabbed the pancakes with a fork. "Meet anyone in Oregon?"_

 _Olivia's eyes involuntarily widened as she took a bite. Her heart sped up. Elliot didn't usually ask about her love life. "I met a ton of people," she said, recovering and skirting around the answer._

 _He wasn't buying it. "So, I'm guessing the real answer is 'yes'."_

 _Olivia swallowed her food and subconsciously tapped the plate with her fork. "I got lonely too," she said quietly._

" _A tree-hugger in your bed, Liv?" He quipped, taking another sip of his coffee._

" _My case agent."_

 _Elliot coughed and gasped lightly after inhaling his drink. Once he got the liquid out of his airway he found Olivia's unconcerned face. "A fed?" he asked. She nodded. "Doesn't the FBI have rules against fraternizing with coworkers?"_

" _They do. Same as NYPD's."_

 _For much too long, they held a heavy, knowing stare._

" _I'm not very hungry anymore," Elliot said. When he realized how it sounded, he continued. "It's probably too early to eat this much."_

 _Olivia agreed, and they left the diner after settling the bill. Elliot walked her to her apartment, which she secretly loved was only a few blocks from his._

" _You happy to be home? Or did you like the assignment?" Elliot asked after a block of silence._

" _The assignment was interesting," Olivia answered. "I liked learning about eco-terrorism, but like I told you the other day, I didn't like working alone… And it was hard to be someone I'm not for so long." Elliot nodded in understanding. "And yes," she said. "I'm happy to be home." After another pause she added, "Oregon is beautiful, though. You'll have to visit someday."_

 _Elliot smiled. "You can show me all the hip places to protest."_

 _He made Olivia laugh. "It would be my pleasure!"_

 _They rounded the corner to Olivia's apartment and Elliot surprisingly walked into the building with her. She didn't think much of it though, sometimes he just liked to see her get home safe. She stopped at her door when she got there and turned to say goodbye, but she noticed his face was downcast._

" _What's wrong?"_

 _He shook his head. "Nothing… it's just, something's been weighing on me since you left, and… Since we're here, talking about shit…"_

" _What is it?"_

 _He shuffled hit feet and stumbled over his words a bit as his gaze hit the ground. "I don't, ah… I don't expect, or, I don't think we should, but…"_

 _He was scaring her, unsure of what the hell he was trying to tell her… shouldn't be partners? Shouldn't be friends? Spit it out!_

" _Maybe it can wait," he said._

" _El," she placed a calming hand on his arm. "It's just me."_

 _He finally looked into her eyes and she could see a moment of clarity. The next time he spoke, his words were calm, clear, and even._

" _Liv… you're my best friend. I don't want to change that or screw it up in any way."_

" _Me either."_

 _He sighed loudly. "I know we shouldn't…" He stopped, changed his mind to something that explained his concern a little better. "When you left and I didn't know when or IF I'd see you again, I couldn't get it out of my mind that the last time we…" He lowered his voice almost to a whisper. "The last time I kissed my best friend was when I was angry at her. The way I dealt with you that night… It's been eating at me."_

 _One side of Olivia's mouth curved upward and she forced herself to stay present and not get wrapped up in him more than necessary. He was just fixing a wrong, like he does. "You apologizing or asking for a redo?" she asked._

 _The lightness of her tone allowed Elliot to relax and he exhaled as his shoulders dropped. "I don't know. Maybe both?"_

 _She honestly wasn't expecting him to say that. She was joking about the redo. She could feel her heart beating in her fingertips, but she kept reminding herself that he was just trying to fix their friendship. "Okay," she said, objectively. "Well, are you mad at your best friend now?"_

 _He smiled, the most authentic smile she's seen on him in a long, long time. "No, I'm not."_

" _Then it's as good a time as ever."_

 _She tried to conceal her anxiety, excitement… whatever it was she was feeling… as Elliot stepped right in front and above her, looking down, taking her face in his hands. Her arms instinctively slid up his sides and around to his back. He smiled slightly just before he moved in and pressed his lips sweetly to hers. It was the most innocent, unassuming, gentle kiss they'd ever shared. He sucked her bottom lip lightly into his, then the top. He went slow, stepping in again so his body was connected with hers, his hands raked through her hair. He was still kissing her, and she was doing a damned good job of holding her moans in. She was melting. She breathed harder and pressed back into him, opening her mouth and welcoming his tongue. He swiped her tongue with his and she noticed his breathing start to increase as well. Her back hit the door behind her. She didn't even notice him push her into it. But now he was pressing her against the hard surface and she wanted more. She moved her hands down, pulling him closer, encouraging his hips to meet hers._

 _Then he pulled his lips away and leaned his forehead against hers._

 _The abrupt ending pulled Olivia out of her daze and she regulated her breathing, hoping he didn't notice how labored it got. She blinked, her head still intimate with his, and she told herself for the fifteenth time that morning that this was about Elliot fixing their friendship the way he needed to. It wasn't anything else. At least she didn't think so._

 _She brought her hands to the front of his body and pushed on his chest ever so slightly to get him to back up. Once she could see his face, she smiled. "Better?"_

 _Elliot stepped back, at first seeming a little disoriented, but soon found himself. He met her smile with his own. "Better."_

" _Good. Get some rest, El. Thanks for breakfast."_

" _I will. See you tomorrow, Liv."_

 _She waved goodbye, walked into her apartment, and headed straight for the vibrator._

"Something about that night, that talk, and that kiss put us back on the right path and our friendship became stronger than ever, and it only grew from there. Sure, we still had some hiccups along the way, but we started fighting _for_ each other more often than _with_ each other, and when the sex started again, somehow it only strengthened that friendship."


	9. Chapter 9

"So the sex DID eventually start up again!" Amanda celebrated. "Thank God!"

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, our first time back together had to have been when I found out about my brother. I screwed up at work because I was distracted by some things going on with Simon and Elliot lied for me."

"He was a good partner."

"He was, but we were known to do this, so on top of the stress of finding out that my brother might be a rapist, Elliot and I were also forced to undergo a psych eval that would determine if our relationship was healthy enough to continue being partners."

"Oh come on."

"I know, so stupid, and yet we did it. He knew I was having a bad day, and it was rough for him too, so he stopped by after we finished our interviews. It was the second time that day he showed up.

" _Hey," Elliot said when she opened the door to her apartment._

" _You really didn't need to come over again," Olivia said. "I'm fine." She stepped aside and let him through the door anyway._

" _Yeah, well… Maybe_ _ **I**_ _need the company this time."_

 _Olivia smiled and nodded as she went to the refrigerator to grab two beers. "Well, in that case," she said as she handed one to him, "here's to good company."_

 _The clink of their bottles preceded their first sips and Olivia hopped onto the kitchen counter. "So…" she began, picking at the label on her beer bottle. "Hell of a day."_

" _Hell of a day," Elliot agreed. He leaned back against the counter on the other side of the kitchen._

" _You really don't have to go down for this, Elliot. I can tell them you never knew anything about Simon."_

 _He lowered his head and shook it back and forth as she spoke. "All I'm worried about right now is us," he said quietly._

 _She nodded. Between the drama with her brother and undergoing a psych evaluation that assessed her and Elliot's competency as partners, Olivia had been on the verge of tears all day. "Do you think Cragen is serious about this? Splitting us up?" she asked. She kept her voice low, fearing that it might crack with the tightness in her throat._

 _Elliot shrugged as he exhaled forcefully. "All I know is that he wasn't happy with us."_

 _They sat and drank in silence as Olivia thought about how she didn't want to lose this again. They had come too far. They worked too hard to get here after she came back from Oregon. They pushed through the pain, the fights, the hurt, and they were in a great place. They were back to being best friends, back in their rhythm as partners. If possible, they were closer than they had ever been. The thought of losing their partnership was too much for her._

 _And the way they conducted that interview was just insulting. She debated asking… She was curious, but at the same time she wasn't sure if she wanted to know. Ultimately, curiosity overruled. "They, uh… They ask you about it in the psych eval? About… us?"_

" _How far does your loyalty to your partner go?" Elliot recalled Dr. Hendrix's question._

 _Elliot nodded. "They alluded. But I made them be more specific and they didn't have the balls to ask if we were… you know… romantically involved…" He paused and took a swig of his beer._

" _I'll put it another way. Say you had to choose between saving a member of the public—"_

" _I already face that situation."_

" _And?"_

" _But they swung it another way and I…" he cleared his throat. "I told them about Gitano… that I'd chosen to save you and let a boy die."_

" _What would Detective Benson do?"_

" _I don't know."_

 _Olivia looked down at the floor, the tiles a much more favorable image than those memories. She hated thinking about that case. That time. The fights. The pain. The feeling of being unwanted by the man she loved. She'd worked hard to suppress that time in her life. She didn't really want to relive it now._

" _I, uh… I'm assuming they asked you, too," Elliot continued. "What did you tell them?"_

" _If you had to choose between saving your partner and saving a member of the public, which would you do?" Hendrix asked Olivia._

 _The implications in the question made Olivia's blood boil. There was no right answer. What did she want her to say?_

" _Olivia?"_

" _Yeah." It came out in a whisper. Then confidently, she stood. "I'm done."_

 _She sipped her beer. "In so many words? I told them to fuck off and I walked out."_

" _That's my girl," Elliot laughed, though it was short-lived. He quieted when he saw Olivia's despondent half-smile. He moved in closer, crossing the kitchen to stand next to her, his elbow leaning on the counter by her leg where she sat. "What is it, Liv?"_

 _She shook her head as her chin quivered. "This whole week," she started. "I don't know… It's just, with Simon and… If my brother is a rapist… God, I don't know. I'm a mess. Sorry I've been so emotional."_

" _It's never easy when you to have your dad on your mind."_

 _She gave him a sad smile. She loved that he knew her well enough to read her. She didn't have to spell it out for him. She looked back at her beer bottled and played with the edge of the label again._

" _I don't care what happens with Simon," Elliot said, "whether he's guilty or not. You're the purest, most just woman I know. How you share DNA with that bastard is beyond me. You_ _are nothing like them, Olivia Benson."_

 _She stayed silent, knowing she'd cry if she let out a sound. She tried to focus on the paper she was picking at, but Elliot's hand landed on hers, sending her heart into a flutter when he spoke with urgency._

" _Look at me."_

 _She complied with quivering chin and watery eyes._

" _I mean it, Liv. Promise me you won't let this get to you. Tell me you know that you're nothing like that."_

" _I know," she let out in a strangled whisper. She set her beer down to wipe her face. Tears fell and she knew she couldn't hold them back anymore. "I just… I had so much hope of actually having a family, El. And now I know it was foolish of me to wish for anything more than a rapist or a drunk for a brother."_

 _Tears streamed continuously now. Elliot set his own beer down and stood upright so he was more level with her. "Hey..." he said, his tone soothing. He gently coaxed her to lean into his shoulder. Her head fell forward onto the crook of his neck, partly on his skin, partly on his jacket. He stroked her back softly as she allowed the embrace. "You're never alone, Liv. I'm your family. You have me. And Fin and Munch, and even Crabby Ol' Cragen… Okay? We're your family."_

 _Her head nodded against his skin as her tears began to subside. She breathed in his familiar smell and soaked up his touch. But she needed more. God, she always needed more. Those dangerous thoughts crossed her mind for the millionth time and, out of habit, she threw it out of her line of thinking._

 _Then it boomeranged back._

 _He's single. She needed him right now and they were partners. They could do this without it being weird or wrong. Even if he didn't love her anymore, their friendship was close enough to do this and be okay. She could keep her emotions for him at bay._

 _She had stopped crying a while ago but Elliot was still at her side, holding her and allowing her head rest on his shoulder. He cleared his throat. "You okay?" he croaked._

 _Olivia nodded her head and whispered her confirmation but didn't move away. She couldn't read him in that moment, couldn't gauge his thoughts or how he felt about this. She needed some sign from him that she could take this further._

 _As if on cue, Elliot buried his head in her hair and inhaled while his hands slowly moved from hugging her back, down to her thighs. His firm grip started moving toward her hips, causing her core to tighten. His words were barely above a breath. "You feel so good."_

 _And just like that, she pulled back, kissed his lips and got to work on his shirt._

 _Elliot yelped in surprise, but it was muffled by Olivia's mouth. He quickly caught on and joined without protest. She was strong and passionate in her kiss and he met her at her intensity, nipping and tasting her while she pushed his jacket off along with his shirt. She spread her hands over his chest and exhaled into his neck before kissing him there. It had been so long since they did this, since she had touched his bare chest. It was a relief._

" _So many layers," Elliot grunted as he fiddled with her vest._

 _Olivia hopped off the countertop and flung her vest and shirt off in one move without messing with the buttons—she was sure she popped couple of them. She was right back on him not a moment later, walking backwards as she led him to her bedroom, unable to stop her lips from tasting anything and everything she had access to. They removed their shoes and pants during the stumble from the kitchen to the bedroom and Olivia hit the bedroom door before she knew it. She attempted to reach back for the handle, but Elliot grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head as he thrust his erection against her core._

" _Oh god…" she moaned._

 _He kissed her neck and moved quickly down to her chest, her stomach, bringing her wrists down with him so they were pinned to the door on either of her sides. Then he dove, nose first, into her panties, making them as wet on the outside as they were on the inside, licking and nipping at her pussy._

 _Olivia's eyes closed at the sensations he was causing. "Fuckkk, Elliot… oh my god, yes!" Her legs widened and she swung one leg over his shoulder so she was more open to him. When she did, he moved her panties to the side with his nose and he attacked her core with eagerness._

" _Yes, that's so good," she moaned. His tongue licked relentlessly until he finally stopped to suck her clit, lick, suck, then lick again and swirl his tongue around with his face buried deep into her core. She could feel her orgasm building, and he must have recognized the signs as well because he let go of her wrists to hold her hip and torso up, knowing she couldn't always stay standing during an orgasm._

 _The vibrations of his hum as he ate her sent her into oblivion, melting into Elliot's face as he continued to lap up her juices._

" _Bed," she demanded when she finished, pulling him up and tasting herself on his lips as she pulled him through the door._

 _But when she stepped back to the bed, Elliot stayed in place._

 _She paused. "What's wrong?" she asked breathlessly, her chest heaving._

 _Elliot's eyes scanned up and down her body. "How is it possible that since the last time we did this, you've gotten even more beautiful?"_

 _Something more powerful than an orgasm shot through Olivia's body at his words. She gained weight since the last time he'd seen her naked, and though she's confident in who she is no matter what, she'd been a little self-conscious about it. To see him and believe what he was telling her was… she wasn't sure what it was. Emotions in the thousands danced through her, but the only one she could grab a hold of was fear. She had to remain objective. She didn't know what this meant, what he really wanted, and she couldn't get caught up in that look he was giving her. She couldn't bear to be hurt again. Not by him._

 _She stepped forward, put his words and her feelings away from her mind, and kissed his neck while pulling him back towards the bed._

" _Fuck me, Elliot."_

 _He climbed on top of her in the bed and he almost immediately slipped into her, grunting as he did. "Jesus…" he breathed out. He pushed into her three more times until he was fully buried, then he set a rhythm at an increasing pace, his hands roaming all over Olivia's body. He unlatched and slipped Olivia's bra off, feeling her full breasts in his hand as he held himself up with his other arm._

 _Olivia flipped him over, sliding up and down his cock with ease, throwing her head back at the sensations she was now in full control of. She bounced on top of him, knowing he would love the view of her breasts. As expected, he soon reached up and massaged both breasts, pinching her nipples and soothing them with his palm. She leaned forward, allowing him to take her breasts in his mouth, which he did as she continued to slide back and forth on top of him._

" _That feels so good," Olivia moaned._

" _You're telling me," Elliot joked. He grabbed her hip and held her in placed as he started thrusting up into her, hard and fast._

 _Olivia moaned loudly, bracing herself by taking Elliot's face in her hands and leaning forward. The angle and his thrusts were perfect. She kissed him, then pressed her forehead to his as she gasped. "Elliot… fuck…" She opened her eyes and they met his blue stare and her heart flipped. Shit. Too intimate, she thought. It was too much. She needed something less intimate to keep her feelings at a manageable level._

 _She sat back up, forcing Elliot's thrusts to stop. "Take me from behind," she said._

 _Elliot didn't need to be told twice. He was behind Olivia immediately when she got on her hands and knees and he didn't make her wait before pounding into her, squeezing the flesh of her hips with his fingers. Then she felt him lean over her back, bringing his hands to her chest, and he lifted her up, guiding her hands to the headboard so they were both on their knees. Elliot's hands moved from her arms to her abdomen, feeling her new curves, to her breasts, to her clit, and he kissed her neck as he rubbed her. Olivia was almost angry at how he made this position intimate, but he was making her feel so incredible and at least she didn't have to see his face. Elliot pounded harder and faster and Olivia met him thrust for thrust, pushing back on the headboard. They fell forward, never disconnecting, and Elliot turned them to the side so he was fucking her as they spooned._

 _She was cumming. Hard. She couldn't stop the yell that left her lungs as the orgasm ripped through her._

" _Jesus Christ," Elliot muttered into her hair as she came, and he followed right as her body started convulsing._

 _Elliot pulled out of her afterwards, but neither of them moved as they came down from the high. The position was so comfortable as it was. It scared Olivia how much she loved it—laying in bed with Elliot as he held her, ran his hand all over her curves languidly, listening to him breath in and out, knowing it was her he was breathing in. She wanted to make him leave for her own sake, so she wouldn't get attached to this, but instead, she convinced herself that best friends could do this—hold each other… naked… in bed… after sex._

"Okay, so I knew I was insane. But as much as it might hurt me later, I wasn't willing to give him up then," Olivia told Amanda.

"Too much of Elliot was better than nothing."

Olivia nodded. "I could convince myself it was casual, but I was confused as to what he was thinking or what he wanted. And as time went on, I only fell more in love with the bastard."

"Did he leave?"

"No. The next thing I knew I was waking up to my alarm with him in the same exact position."

 _She blinked, rubbing her eyes as she tried to make out the time on the screeching clock beside her. A body from behind leaned over her and slapped the alarm before she had a chance and everything came back._

 _The arm went back to its position, but grabbed Olivia's arm on his way, turning her towards him. "Ten more minutes," Elliot said._

 _She turned, wondering how he's not freaking out like she is, but seeing his sleepy face, she smiled, then happily rested her head on his chest. "The snooze only lasts 7 minutes."_

 _He turned his face in her direction and opened one eye. "Seven?"_

 _She nodded, her eyes still heavy._

 _He turned towards her, pulling the sheets over their heads. "Enough time to get to second base?"_

 _Olivia squealed and laughed as he attacked her mouth and breasts for the next seven minutes._

"Shit dude," Amanda gawked. "You were in so deep."

Olivia agreed, but shook her head at herself, knowing how hopelessly in love she was.

"But what was the problem at that point? He was single, right?"

"Right. But at THAT point, I didn't know if he just wanted a good release, a fuck buddy, or something more… And then there was the fact that we were partners. Damn good partners. I decided when I went back to SVU from Computer Crimes that Elliot and I do much more good together than apart. My feelings be damned if we can keep people safe and I was willing to make that sacrifice. We were already on thin ice with Cragen. If anyone at work knew we were actually sleeping together, our partnership would be over faster than you can say IAB."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Good morning, all. Normally with texting or written information in narratives I like to do smaller, capitalized font, but FanFic won't let me shrink the words, so it's just in caps. Sorry if it's obnoxious when you get there. Let me know if you have another suggestion for it.**

* * *

 _Did he know how obvious he was being? Olivia thought after catching his wandering eyes for the tenth time that day. She looked around their joined desks to make sure they were out of hearing range of their nosy coworkers, then down to a paper as she wrote a report. "Stop," she said, her tone low, but above a whisper._

 _Elliot turned his attention toward his computer. "Stop what?"_

 _She glared at him._

" _Sorry, I can't help it," he said, suppressing his amusement._

" _Try harder."_

"Sounds like things were different that time," Amanda noted. "The other times y'all slept together you hardly ever verbally acknowledged it.

"Yeah, I remember being surprised that we were actually making this a 'thing'. He was looking and flirting and it was clear to both of us it would happen again. I was trying to be the reasonable one at work, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it."

 _He was so quiet as he followed her that she didn't even notice until the door opened and shut after she made her way to the cribs. She came up here to call Dean back. That obviously wasn't happening now. Elliot walked up behind her and grabbed a handful of her ass as he brought his body up to hers from behind. "Your ass in these jeans… driving me crazy all day."_

 _That's why she wore them, but she wouldn't tell him that. He slid his arms around her waist and held her tightly. She slipped her eyes closed, reveling._

" _I can't stop thinking about you… about last night," Elliot said._

" _Someone's gonna walk in."_

" _I locked the door."_

 _Thank god, she thought. She reached behind for his erection. He was hard as hell. "We should still work fast," she said, stroking him a few times before turning around to kiss him. "You have to stop staring at me so much," she said, Elliot kissing down her neck. "People are going to notice."_

" _Mhm," Elliot mumbled._

 _Olivia pulled him toward one of the bunks._

" _No. Standing," Elliot said. Olivia pulled her head back to question him. "Bed springs are too loud."_

 _She nodded. "Good call."_

"Did you ever end up calling Dean back?" Amanda asked.

"Oh yeah, I called him on the way home from the precinct."

"Elliot didn't go home with you? I'm a little shocked… and disappointed."

Olivia chuckled. "Well, the only reason he didn't was because I told him I'd meet him at his apartment after I packed an overnight bag."

"Ah. And you and Dean were still… talking? Dating? Whatever it was?"

She wagged her head from side to side in a ' _kind of'_ gesture. "I was keeping Dean as an option until I figured out what was going on with Elliot and me. I knew we couldn't actually be together and keep our jobs, so I wasn't going to put my life on hold just because we were sleeping together. But I also wanted to be open and honest with Elliot about that. Thankfully, it came up naturally that night."

 _She'd already cum three times that night and now she was in his bed, sitting on his face, holding tightly to the headboard as he kneaded and palmed her ass cheeks and munched on her as his dessert. She was moving her hips, riding his tongue and he was moving her with his own arms, giving his tongue access to her pussy and ass as he pleased. God she loved how much he loved her ass. His mouth didn't ever stop moving with his tongue as she rode him, and she was moaning in ecstasy as he worked. She rode him faster as the pressure started to build until her body started to convulse and she was falling forward. He moved wherever she moved, his lips following her as she fell and he licked her until she stopped trembling, then she moved back down to lay beside him._

" _God you're good at that."_

 _Elliot laughed. "Glad you think so, because it's addicting." He kissed her sweetly, then moved out of the bed. "Gonna wash my face and brush my teeth."_

 _Olivia watched in admiration as his perfect ass moved to the bathroom, leaving the door just slightly cracked open. Only a few seconds later, she heard his phone ring. "El! Your phone's ringing!" No answer. The water was running. He probably couldn't hear her. She leaned over the bed and found his phone in his pants. Kathy's name lit up the screen. "El! It's Kathy! Want me to answer it?" Still no answer. Thinking it was about one of the kids and it could be important, she flipped the phone open. "Hey Kathy, it's Liv. Elliot's just getting us some coffee—left his phone here in the car." She'd been covering for Elliot with Kathy for eight years, lying to her came naturally._

 _Kathy's voice was cheerful. More cheerful than the last time she talked to her in the park. "Hey Liv! Sorry to hear you two are working late again tonight."_

" _Oh, it's nothing… just how the job goes sometimes."_

" _Oh yes. Don't I know it… Listen, would you just let Elliot know that since he had to work late again I changed our reservations for tomorrow night at eight. Hopefully you'll close the case by then."_

 _Olivia's heart pounded at the words. He was supposed to go on a date with Kathy tonight… Her mind was all over the place until she realized Kathy was still on the phone. Stop. Think. Answer!_

" _Oh. Sure… I'll let him know."_

" _Thanks Liv! Bye!"_

 _Olivia hung the phone up and sat quietly in the bed. Of course Elliot wasn't a bachelor. Not really. He never really would be. He wanted to be with his family. She knew that. And she already knew they couldn't be together and needed their separate love lives, but it stung. It really really stung._

" _Liv?"_

 _She was so overwhelmed by her own thoughts that she didn't see Elliot emerge from the bathroom. She probably looked shocked or distraught. She saw his gaze fall to his phone in her hands. "Sorry…" she started, then tossed his phone to him. "I saw that it was Kathy and thought it might be about the kids so I answered… don't worry, she thinks we're working."_

 _Elliot nodded, still standing about a foot from the bed. "That's what I told her."_

" _When you cancelled your date with her?"_

 _Elliot took a deep breath, then let it out slowly before he sat down on the bed. "Yeah."_

" _She changed the reservation to tomorrow night."_

 _He nodded. "Thanks," he said. "I guess we should talk about—"_

" _We don't have to."_

 _Elliot looked at her, his eyes drawn in._

 _Olivia wasn't sure if she saw confusion or hurt, but she knew what needed to be said. "Look," she said. "It's okay…" she focused on the facts and pushed away the emotions as much as she could, even though it killed her. "We know what we were getting ourselves into. We're partners. It can't be more than… this…" she gestured towards the bed. "Or we can't be partners anymore. And we can't give them any reason to separate us. This has to stay quiet. Okay?" Noticing the sadness on his face made her chest ache, but she pushed through it. She smiled at him. "We have a good thing going here… Let's not complicate it._

 _He turned his face away from her. "Yeah. You're right, I'm sorry… I've just been having a really great time with you."_

 _She felt warm at the words. "Me too," she said. "But take Kathy out tomorrow. I know how much you want your family back… and she's the way to your kids… Right?" She knew that making that assumption was probably inappropriate, but something in her needed to see his reaction to the statement, she needed confirmation that he wasn't still in love with Kathy. She could keep doing this with him if he didn't love her._

 _He nodded, and she let go of her breath._

" _And…" Olivia said hesitantly. Even before they ever slept together, Elliot was a jealous friend, but now? This wouldn't be easy for him. But they needed to be honest. Elliot's attention was focused on her eyes. "I'm seeing someone too," she tried to say as casually as possible._

 _Elliot's eyes widened, although Olivia could tell he was trying to hold back his reaction. "That fed you met in Oregon?" he asked. The disdain was palpable in his voice, his body was tight._

" _Dean Porter," she confirmed. "I have a date tomorrow night too." It was a lie, but she would definitely make it a reality. There was no way she'd be able to sit at home and do nothing while Elliot was out with Kathy. It would driver her crazy. Plus, Dean had been itching to come take her out on a real date. This was the perfect excuse._

 _He turned away from her and she imagined smoke falling out of his nostrils as his reddened face huffed. "Fine, but… Don't tell me when any of your dates are from now on… okay?"_

"It killed me," Olivia told Amanda, "seeing him that sad and jealous. But it was the only way to survive this."

"You also loved it, didn't you…"

Olivia smiled. "Yeah, I kind of did… And I quickly found out why I needed to keep my dates a secret from him."

" _HOWS THE DATE GOING"_ _the text read._

 _Olivia was sitting in her sexy red dress at a beautiful Italian restaurant downtown. She smiled and rolled her eyes when the words popped up on the phone resting on the table._

 _Porter was going on about some terrorist threats they'd learned of recently and she drowned him out about five minutes ago. She did like Dean, but when he talked about work, he was in fed mode... and he could talk about the same thing ten different ways. They were only on the second way at the moment, so she had time to discretely text back._

" _PRETTY GOOD,"_ _she lied._ _"YOURS?"_

 _He answered almost immediately._ _"RATHER BE IN BED WITH YOU."_

 _She suppressed a bigger smile and focused back on Dean._

" _So, the behavioral analysts went to Georgia to get more information for their profile, but most of the…" another text lit up the screen._

" _I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU. I WANT YOU, LIV. I WANT TO WATCH YOUR HEAD FALL BACK AND YOUR LEGS GIVE OUT AS I MAKE U CUM."_

 _Her core tightened as she read the words._ _"ARENT YOU ON A DATE?"_ _she asked. Though she honestly loved that he was thinking about her as much as she was about him._

" _JUST ENDED. DROPPED HER OFF AT HOME, HEADED BACK TO MY PLACE… MEET ME THERE?"_

 _She looked at the time. 10pm. Their reservation was at 8. He only spent two hours with Kathy, then kicked her to the curb. Jesus, why did she love that so much? She planned on letting Dean stay with her tonight since he was in from out of town. But fuuuck. She wanted Elliot. Bad._

" _I CANT TONIGHT, EL."_

" _IS HE STAYING WITH YOU"_

" _YES. HE'S IN FROM DC."_

" _ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP WITH HIM"_

 _She hesitated, but they promised they'd be honest. And her answer was, legitimately, honest._ _"I DON'T KNOW."_

 _She sent another._ _"EL, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS."_

" _I KNOW. AND I'VE BEEN OVER-PROTECTIVE AND JEALOUS FOR AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN YOU."_

 _He was playing it off as friendship. She knew how to deal with that. She's been dealing with it for eight years._

" _YOU'RE NOT MY DAD, EL. GOODNIGHT."_

" _I CANT STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIM TOUCHING YOU."_

 _The next caught her off guard, but she remembered their entire history. Protective, jealous, AND possessive, she thought. Her eyes rolled. He always did this with her dates, but it felt different this time. Things_ _ **were**_ _different this time. They just had to push through this part… this was a tricky situation, but once they got used to it, they'd be fine._

" _GOODNIGHT, EL. I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW."_

 _Later that night, she slipped into bed thinking about him and she couldn't help herself._

" _HE'S IN THE GUEST ROOM."_ _She didn't know why she felt the need to calm his jealousy, but she needed him to know. She hated that she needed him to know. And she also hated that she's not sure why she didn't want to have sex with Dean. She told him it was because she wanted to start over and take it slow since sex for them before was meaningless. But she wasn't sure if that was just an excuse or not. Either way, it sounded good and he accepted it._

" _AND YOU?"_ _he asked._

 _He knew where she was. Asshole was making her say it. But she missed him, she could still smell him on her sheets, and she was willing to play along._ _"MY BED. ALONE."_

 _She could practically hear his sigh of relief all the way from Queens._

" _WHEN DOES HE LEAVE"_

" _THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MY DATES."_

" _I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN THEY HAPPEN, BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHEN THEY'RE OVER."_

" _THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY RULES HERE,"_ _she joked._

 _It was a few minutes before the next text came through._

" _I MISS YOU."_

 _It made her smile, but more than that, it scared the living hell out of her. They both knew what was happening between them and it was happening fast. They were already co-dependent before they started sleeping together again and now… God, now they couldn't stand being away from each other for one night. She didn't like being that girl… But she loved being with him. She did miss him too, but the words were too intimate…romantic…_

" _ME TOO,"_ _she replied._ _"NIGHT, EL."_

" _NIGHT, LIV."_


	11. Chapter 11

"So how long before you realized this was more than just casual sex?" Amanda asked.

"Probably when we started staying at each other's places without _having_ sex."

"What? No sex?" Amanda pouted her bottom lip out.

"I mean, yeah, there was plenty of it to go around, trust me," Olivia corrected. "But there were also just days we were there, hanging out and supporting each other."

"Well, y'all were best friends. That was normal for you, right?"

"Sure, but the one thing that separates a best friendship and a relationship is physical intimacy, so when we had both… things started to feel relationshippy."

"I need an example of what you mean," Amanda said.

Olivia tapped her glass as she thought for a moment. "I think the first time it hit me was when he came over after this case about a bunch of alcoholic teens."

 _She left the door open for Elliot once she buzzed him up, then went to the kitchen cabinet to pop open a bottle of wine._

" _Hey," he announced as he walked in. He immediately plopped himself onto the couch and rubbed his face in his hand._

" _Hey," Olivia replied. "I guess she didn't take it so well."_

 _His slumped form shrugged a bit. "She actually did—she took it better than any other teenager watching their license burn in a candle flame by their deadbeat father."_

" _You're not a deadbeat," Olivia said as she poured the wine into glasses and made her way over to the couch. "Maybe just subpar."_

 _He took the glass she offered. "Hilarious," he said dryly._

 _She sat facing him, her foot tucked under herself so her knee landed on his leg and her arm hung over the back of the couch. The position made it natural for his arm to land on her thigh. "You're a great dad, El. Everyone can see that."_

" _It doesn't feel that way."_

" _You did what you thought was best for her a year ago, just like you did today, your perspective just changed a little."_

 _Elliot sighed. "Maybe you're right," he said. "Thank you for the wine." He finally turned his head toward her and a smile slowly grew. "Hi."_

 _She smiled back. "Hi."_

 _He leaned in and kissed her sweetly. "Is it just me or did the subject of our involvement come up a lot during this case?" he asked when he pulled back._

 _After thinking about it for a moment she answered, "No more than normal."_

 _He rubbed her thigh absent-mindedly and nodded his head. "Lilian Rice asked me about you, the boys in the video wondered if we were sleeping together..."_

" _And Lilian asked me about it in her interrogation… Okay, Maybe it_ _ **was**_ _more than normal. I guess I'm just so used to it I didn't notice."_

" _Why are people so obsessed with us?" Elliot joked._

 _Olivia cackled, then leaned in for another kiss, scratching her fingers lazily through the hair on the back of his head. "If they only knew."_

"Okay. I see what you're saying," Amanda said. "That _is_ extremely 'relationshippy,' as you say.

"Uh huh."

"And you didn't freak out?"

"Not that time. Because I was so happy and comfortable. It felt so easy and right. We watched TV for another hour then went to bed. Nothing sexual even happened. I guess I was growing to accept our arrangement."

"So everything was good then. No problems."

"But that only lasted a couple weeks. The first big problem arose when Dean showed back up to arrest me for giving my brother money while a fugitive."

"What?"

Olivia nodded. "Yep. Dean and I decided to just 'see where things went' since he was mostly long-distance, and we hadn't been talking much. But my brother was under investigation for rape and I sent him money… I know, poor decision making on my part, but I was overwhelmed with the need to be somebody's sister, and—"

"You don't have to explain poor decisions to me, Liv. It's just nice to know you're human too."

Olivia smiled weakly before she continued. "Well, Dean showed up to the precinct and took me to the Bureau to be interrogated, and I had to explain that Simon and I share a father who raped my mother and got pregnant with me… Dean took pity and cut me a break if I'd turn Simon in. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine after that conversation."

 _She walked back into the precinct, surprised to see her partner still at his desk. "Thought you'd be home by now."_

 _Elliot was stoic in his answer, suppressing some kind of emotion she couldn't pinpoint. "Took another round at Thatcher. Cragen didn't think you'd be back."_

" _Well, neither did I," Olivia said as she sat down across from him. "Tough day."_

" _Mmm." He looked down at his paperwork when he said it. "Munch said you left with some suit."_

 _She practically winced at the statement, annoyed at the underlying question. If he wanted to know who it was he should just fucking ask. It fueled her already-hot anger. "Munch should mind his own business."_

 _His eyebrows raised at her blatant moodiness. "Okay…" he tried to focus on his paperwork again, but she could tell he wasn't going to be able to stop himself. She was right. "Was it—"_

" _Yes, Elliot. It was," she answers shortly._

 _He stared, his breathing becoming a little more forceful. "And?"_

 _She glared back at him, annoyed, but he wasn't backing down. After a very deliberate eye roll, she decided to lie, not wanting to get into it with Elliot. "He just needed some information about the undercover gig."_

" _That's it?"_

" _That's it."_

" _I have a hard time believing he didn't want… anything else… from you."_

 _She took a beat as she stared in disbelief. "What do you want me to tell you, Elliot?" she asked in a harsh whisper. "That he wanted to get some undercover information then fuck me in the FBI supply closet?"_

" _That's how you two did it before, isn't it?" he fired back._

 _She pushed her chair away from the desk. "Screw you."_

 _He got up as she walked away and caught up to her at the coffee bar. His voice was low as he approached so no one could hear. "Okay. I'm sorry, Liv… What's going on with you?"_

 _She responded in the same low tone, her focus on her coffee as it brewed. "You don't even know whether or not I've even been sleeping with Porter, Elliot. Or anyone else, for that matter. We decided you didn't want to talk about it, right? Why are you acting like you care now?"_

" _You haven't been sleeping with him. I know that. I shouldn't be grilling you. I really am sorry... You know how I get."_

" _How the hell do you know? You and I do spend_ _ **some**_ _nights apart."_

" _I just… I just know."_

 _She huffed and tried to march away, but Elliot caught her elbow._ _ **"What."**_ _She practically growled in anger._

" _Calm down, Liv... Look, macho man wouldn't spill anything to me… he would only speak with you. Maybe a little interrogation will make you feel better"_

 _A smirk slowly formed on the right side of her mouth. "No time like the present."_

"It was their mistake letting me interrogate a rapist while I was already hot-headed," Olivia said. "I beat the shit out of him before they pulled me out."

"Hot damn!" Amanda exclaimed. "How did Cragen react?"

"Made me go home."

"And Elliot?"

"Fought with him in the locker room."

 _Elliot stormed in after her. "What was that?"_

" _Thatcher got what he deserved." She said as she threw on her coat and gathered her things._

" _No, I'm talking about you. What are you—what are you doing?"_

 _She slammed the locker and looked at him with an eyebrow cocked. "Oh, the poster boy for rage is gonna tell me how to control my anger?"_

 _Elliot's voice softened as his eyes narrowed in confusion. "Liv, what's going on?"_

 _Her throat tightened when she heard the care in his voice and she gave in. She took a second to gather her thoughts and strangle her tears. Then she looked directly at him. "The feds nailed me for sending Simon money."_

 _He couldn't hide his surprise, even though she could tell he was trying. He looked back to make sure no one else was in the room. "Cragen wouldn't let you near here if he knew the feds were charging you."_

" _They're gonna cut me a break if I turn him in when he contacts me."_

" _His DNA is on the victim! The cops in Jersey have him cold!"_

" _I knew that when I sent him the money." She said it calmly, almost sinister._

 _Elliot studied her. He leaned in. "So why'd you do it?"_

 _Her chin quivered. "He's my brother." It was a strangled whisper._

" _You don't even know the guy," Elliot responded immediately. "Look at what he's doing to you."_

 _It was clear to her then that Elliot wasn't going to understand or help. She made up her mind that the conversation was worthless and started walking out. "Cragen wants me out of here."_

"Later that night, Simon called, so I told Dean and we set things up to bring him in, but he escaped. Dean followed me home and Elliot showed up."

 _They must not have closed the door all the way because all she heard was the slow squeak of the hinges turning and there he was—Elliot at the door, his eyes cold as he watched Dean and Olivia look at Simon's pictures side-by-side on her couch. She hadn't even realized how close they were sitting until then._

" _Elliot…" Olivia said in surprise. She couldn't tell if he was in shock, angry, hurt, or indifferent. But she knew it wasn't good. They had their separate love lives, but she never wanted him to walk in on hers… even if it was just his incorrect perception. Nothing was actually going on with Dean, but Elliot would think otherwise._

" _I should have called," Elliot said plainly. He opened his mouth to say something else then closed it again. He shook his head with a humorless laugh and turned around._

" _Shit," Olivia swore as she got up to follow him. She ran out of the apartment and through the door to the stairs where she saw him leave. "Elliot, stop."_

" _Didn't mean to interrupt your date," he said, continuing down the stairs._

" _It wasn't a date! We were working!" Olivia told him as she ran after him. "Just stop for a minute, Elliot!"_

 _He finally slowed down and turned so she could catch up. "So, what? Feds make house calls now?"_

" _You_ _ **know**_ _that's not fair, Elliot... We agreed to let each other have a healthy love life outside of our relatio…" she stopped herself. "Our_ _ **thing.**_ _You have no right to be mad at me!"_

" _Yeah, well… I was clearly wrong about you two."_

 _She paused to watch his jaw twitch as he avoided eye contact and she wondered if she should tell him the truth. She wanted him to know that she wasn't sleeping with anyone else but it shouldn't matter. That's what this was, right? They slept with each other, he was trying to reconcile to his wife, she was free to see whomever she wanted, and their partnership was safe. That was the agreement. So why did it feel like she was cheating? She wasn't even doing anything with Dean! He had no right to make her feel this way!_

 _It was only then that she noticed the plastic bag in his hands. Her favorite takeout. "You brought General Cho's." She smiled, realizing that he was coming over to cheer her up after an obviously hard day. "You're a good friend."_

 _He let out a pitiful laugh, shook his head. "Is that what we are? Friends?"_

 _Her heart broke as he handed over the plastic bag, then turned to walk away, leaving Olivia alone in the stairwell wondering why she didn't tell him that he was the only one she wanted to be with._

"I didn't see him for a couple days," Olivia told Amanda. "So imagine my surprise when I walked out of a Jersey precinct after investigate something privately and I find Elliot and Dean standing there waiting for me… together."

"What the fuck?"

"Exactly. It's sweet now that I think about it. They both helped me when they didn't have to. But I didn't have time to dwell on it then. Thankfully, though, I was only a few hours later that we proved Simon's innocence and closed the case, then Elliot and I had a long drive home from upstate. It was mostly silent. He only started talking to me in the very last leg of the trip."

" _Your boyfriend's a dick."_

 _She couldn't help but let out an airy chuckle. With all the tension lately, that's how he starts the conversation? Strangely, though, she thought it was more funny than annoying. Maybe that's what he was going for, or maybe the case being over was that much of a relief._

" _He's not my boyfriend," she laughed._

 _His jaw tensed. "Well… neither am I."_

 _She watched him as he drove. She'd thought about it, and decided it was best not to tell him that she wasn't sleeping with Dean. She wouldn't tell him about the men she slept with, but she also wouldn't tell him that she_ _ **wasn't**_ _sleeping with them. It felt more secure. Somehow, she thought it would make him feel less guilty about wanting to get back together with Kathy. She wanted Elliot to be happy, and to be with his family with as little guilt as possible. Plus, it was a safety net for her… Having Dean as a possibility made it easier to grapple with this arrangement. She brought her hand up to his face and just touched him for a moment, feeling his skin on the back of her hand, then she leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Thank you again," she said. "For everything you've done this week… I know I've been difficult… and_ _ **yes,**_ _Elliot. You are a good friend… my_ _ **best**_ _friend. Don't ever… Don't ever make that sound like a bad thing again."_

 _He blinked hard for just a moment as he nodded. "I'm sorry," he said._

 _She took a deep, shaky breath, knowing there was no going back once she admitted it. "But it was never…" her voice lowered to a whisper as fear coursed through her veins. "We were never_ _ **just**_ _friends… and we both know it… On some level… We've both always known that."_

 _Elliot's shoulders dropped a mile and he looked at her, his eyes going from icy to warm as relief overwhelmed him. He took Olivia's hand from his chin and he kissed her fingers, then drove the rest of the way home in silence._

 _The silence continued as they got ready for bed at his apartment. She walked out of the bathroom to see him sitting on the edge of the bed in nothing but his boxer briefs, and she was overwhelmed with love for him. What was worse was that she could see it in him too. She wasn't sure if she just hadn't allowed herself to see it lately, or if he was realizing it again himself, but his love for her was growing too. It petrified her. And she was addicted to it. She went to stand in front of him and took his downcast head in her hands._

 _He pulled her closer by her hips and rested his head on her stomach as one of his hands lazily rubbed the smooth skin of her leg under her robe. "I know you don't like to talk about feelings, Liv, but…" She held her breath and his hands paused, tightening their grip on her leg and hip. Finally, he looked up and met her eyes. "I…_ _ **feel**_ _so much for you that sometimes I seem… out of control."_

 _She exhaled, leaned over to kiss his forehead. She was glad he didn't say the actual words. She wasn't ready for them to be said out loud, put into the universe to make it real. "Me too," she said, truthfully. "It scares me."_

 _Elliot laughed lightly. "I know."_

 _Olivia kissed his head again lovingly, then slowly untied her robe and slipped it off her shoulders to reveal her naked form._

 _Elliot breathed in deeply and took her in. She loved to watch him. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time every time._

" _You're so perfect," he whispered._

 _She couldn't hold off anymore. She attacked his lips with hers and straddled him on the bed, then he immediately flipped them over._

"That was the first time that it felt like we were making love rather than just screwing. It was wonderful and scary and we were both in over our heads." Olivia said, pouring another glass of wine for Amanda.

"I'm almost afraid to ask what fucked it up," Amanda said warily. "It seems so perfect at this point in your story."

Olivia nodded slowly. "I'll tell you what fucked it up. There was a case with a family that was murdered. The father killed his wife and kids. I knew Elliot was struggling because it reminded him of his family and I pushed him to go home to them… all of them. I knew he needed Kathy too. She…" she struggled to find the words that explained adequately. "There were very few things that Kathy gave him that I couldn't. One of those things being that she was the mother of his children and he needed her that night. I knew that, and I wasn't even jealous of it because I knew he didn't love her more than me… somehow that's how I convinced myself it was okay. But as much as I pushed him to go home and to be with Kathy… I could never have prepared myself for the consequences of that night."


	12. Chapter 12

_She almost missed her turn as she walked to the 1-6. She was exhausted, barely slept all night. She knew that Elliot needed to be with Kathy and the kids after seeing Royce's wife shoot her own children and turn the gun on herself, it's why she pushed him to go home, but it didn't stop the jealousy… as much as she didn't want to admit to being the jealous type. She hoped that his visit with them was good, she hoped that it helped, and she convinced herself about twenty times not to text him and fish for information about it._

 _She stepped off the elevator and was surprised to see her partner passing her, laser focus to get away from whatever he was leaving._

" _Hey, El." He didn't respond, he was in his own world. She recognized that look in his eyes… Rage. "You okay?" She asked it, but she knew he wouldn't answer. She has no idea what was going on, but she knew that look too well. And he needed to be alone for a few minutes before she approached him._

 _She set her things on her desk and went to Cragen's office. "Where'd Elliot just go?" she asked._

" _I hope he went to cool off somewhere—he almost killed Malcom Royce just now."_

" _What?"_

 _Cragen spent the next twenty minutes filling Olivia in on the new evidence that condemned Malcom Royce for the murder of his girlfriend, wife, and children. He set his wife up to look like she committed suicide. It sounded like Elliot was here for hours interrogating him. She wondered if he ever actually left._

 _She knew where he would be, so after giving him thirty minutes to cool off, she opened the door to the roof of the building and walked over to lean on the rail next to him, looking out over Manhattan._

" _Want to talk about it?" she asked. She could tell that his intensity had waned._

 _After taking a huge breath and letting it out slowly, he spoke, staring forward at the city. "There's not much to say… He killed his wife and kids so they wouldn't find out about his mistress… I just don't understand how he could be so selfish."_

 _The topic was strangely vulnerable for her… A little too close to home. Did he think it was selfish that he had a mistress in the first place or just that he killed them? Either way, she knew that he was upset because it reminded him of his family, so being the supportive friend, she went that route._

" _Elliot, were you here all night or did you go home?"_

" _I…" he glanced at her briefly and hesitantly. "I went to see my family like you said."_

 _Her heart fluttered a bit. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know the details._

 _Yes, she was sure. Who was she kidding? She needed to know._

" _And?" she prompted. "Did it help?"_

 _He let out an exasperated sigh. "It was good to see my kids… that helped, yeah, but…"_

 _She waited nervously for what he was going to say next. When he didn't continue, she decided she had to know—had to ask. When she did, it was so quiet she barely heard her own words. "Did you sleep with her?"_

" _You practically told me to," Elliot replied coldly._

" _I know," Olivia said. "That's not what I… I thought you needed to be with your wife."_

" _But she's_ _ **not**_ _my wife, Liv! We both signed the papers, remember?"_

 _Her brows furrowed. It seemed like his anger was turning to her now. "Did I miss something here? I thought you wanted to reconcile with Kathy… Why are you angry with me?"_

 _Elliot let out a forceful exhale again. "I'm not… I just… look, Kathy is a means to an end. I realized that last night. I just need her so that I can be with my kids. But there's nothing_ _ **there**_ _anymore." He turned to look at Olivia and she couldn't hide her wary expression. She wasn't sure where this was going, but it felt too serious for her comfort. "Royce's wife and kids were killed and you thought that I needed to be with_ _ **my**_ _wife and kids… And I appreciate you caring for me like that, but she's not my wife anymore. Once those papers are processed, it's over." He huffed. "Hell, it was over a long time ago… And last night… Yes, it was good to see my kids, but I also needed to be with you, Liv…"_

 _Fuck. It_ _ **was**_ _too much. Last night was supposed to prove to both of them that they could do this. Because they can't be exclusive. They can't even_ _ **be together.**_ _How does he think this is appropriate? And at the same exact time, she wanted to know more. For the first time, she felt a possessiveness, she wanted to know if he liked sleeping with Kathy, if it was good and they just didn't connect or was it bad altogether? This is why they shouldn't tell each other when they are sleeping with someone else. So many questions were driving her crazy._

" _Liv?"_

 _He snapped her out of her daze when he turned toward her and stepped in, removing the space between them. He slipped his arms around her lower back to hold her as they stood and she rested her arms on his. She looked up at him. "You wanted to be with me?" she asked._

 _He smiled. "You said it yourself—we were never just friends, Liv. I want to be with you all the time. But last night even more so."_

 _She stayed guarded. "But we still can't be together, Elliot. We'll lose our partnership."_

" _I know… but that doesn't mean I can force myself to want Kathy more."_

 _She couldn't help herself. "Did you… um… was it… good? With her?"_

 _Elliot laughed out loud and kissed Olivia._

 _She hit his arm. "Why the hell are you laughing?"_

" _It's just nice to see that I'm not the only jealous one in this relationship!"_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes and opted for punching this time._

" _Oww!" he whined, playfully, and walked her backward until they were behind a wall and out of the view of Manhattan._

" _I'm not jealous, I'm… curious," she lied._

 _He pressed her into the wall. "She was like she always was… vanilla," he said, his voice low. He kissed her cheek. "Boring." Kissed her neck. "I had to restrain myself so she wouldn't notice that I've gotten used to another world of sex… Had to stop myself from saying your name. I missed you."_

 _The tension in Olivia's chest started to melt away. She slipped her hands up to his neck and spoke into his ear as he kissed her neck and shoulder. "Oh god, I wanted you so bad last night," she told him. "I couldn't sleep."_

 _Elliot leaned his forehead against hers and sighed. "Thanks for coming up here. I needed to talk this out with you."_

 _She pulled back just a little to look at him, and lightly grazed his cheek with her hand. "Of course," she said. She hated how the words 'I love you' were so close to slipping off her tongue, but she reigned it in. "We should go before we start something we can't finish," she joked._

 _Elliot nodded with a quiet laugh, grabbed her hand and headed for the door._

"I didn't get my hopes up, but it was almost like Elliot was telling me he didn't want to go home to Kathy," Olivia said, remembering that time so vividly. "Like he was exploring other options. And for the next few weeks, we were closer than ever. We laughed a lot, we were so in sync at work, together every night, could barely keep our hands off each other."

 _They exited the courtroom when the judge called a recess._

" _I'll see you two in twenty minutes," Casey Novak said to Elliot and Olivia. "I'm going to prep the next witness."_

" _Sounds good. See you in twenty," Olivia replied as she and Elliot walked away._

" _Got a text," Elliot said. "We have a meeting over here."_

 _Olivia checked her own phone as she followed him. The next time she looked up she was walking into an empty office and Elliot was closing the door behind them._

" _What are we—"_

 _Elliot cut off her sentence with his lips and immediately pushed her back into the desk._

" _El—" she managed to get out as his hands groped her ass and pressed his lower half against hers._

" _Hmm."_

" _Whose office is this?"_

" _Don't know. Some ADA."_

 _Elliot unbuttoned a few buttons on her shirt until he could pull down one of the cups of her bra and he immediately brought his mouth to her nipple._

" _El, if we get caught—"_

 _He cut her off with a kiss on her lips again, entering her mouth and meeting her tongue before every peck. "You should have thought about that before you wore this skirt," Elliot said. He lifted her onto the desk and slid his hands up her form-fitting pencil skirt. He paused when he got to her ass and looked up at her with wide eyes. "No panties?"_

 _Olivia bit her lip playfully. "Thought we would have some fun when we went back to my place after court," she said, then she moved one leg to the side to spread herself open more._

 _With wonder still in his eyes he trailed his hand up her thigh, then dipped a finger into her folds. His head fell onto her neck as he exhaled. "Shit, Liv. I love how wet you get." He pushed further, causing her to gasp as he penetrated her with his finger._

 _She looked at her watch. Ten minutes until they needed to head back, not enough time for her to reach an orgasm. "No time for that El," she said, pushing him away slightly and hopping off the desk._

" _Noo no no no no!" Elliot protested. "My teenage fantasies are screaming at me to fuck you senseless on_ _ **this**_ _desk in_ _ **that**_ _skirt." He pointed to each object he addressed._

 _Olivia turned him so he leaned onto the desk. "Don't worry," she said in a warm, sultry voice. "I think I can fulfill another fantasy."_

" _What?" he asked as she unzipped Elliot's pants. "What do you mean—oh fuck…"_

 _Olivia dropped to her knees to undo Elliot's pants and underwear, dropping them to his ankles. He was already fully erect. She took him in her hand at the base, then looked up at him as she swirled her tongue around the head._

" _Fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Elliot swore._

 _She rounded her lips over him and sucked as she took him into her mouth, then back out. She kept a firm grip as she licked him like a popsicle and felt the blood rushing to his cock. She bobbed her head back and forth. God, she loved how his cock felt in her mouth, but loved even more how aroused he was by this setting._

" _Liv…" he warned her. He looked around. "Where should I—"_

" _Right here," she whispered. "In my mouth."_

" _Jesus Christ!" Elliot cursed when she said it and seconds later her hands were on his ass, making sure he stayed buried in her mouth as his cum released into her throat._

 _She stood up, wiped her mouth, and kissed him sweetly as she adjusted her outfit, his face in a daze. "Elliot?"_

" _Yeah."_

 _She went to whisper in his ear. "We're due back in court in two minutes." She walked away with an extra sway in her hips when she heard Elliot come to his senses behind her._

" _Oh shit!" she heard, along with the sound of him zipping his pants as she made sure the coast was clear before leaving some random ADA's office._

"So, needless to say, we were having fun just enjoying each other. We were in our own little bubble that no one knew about and we loved it. We just kept the L word out of it."

"I thought you said there were consequences to the night he slept with Kathy," Amanda said. "Up to this point it sounds like things actually got better after that."

Olivia nodded. "Let's skip ahead a few weeks. Elliot and I were subpoenaed to testify in court and we knew it was a set up to discredit us. We were standing outside the courtroom and I knew something was bothering Elliot. He was somewhere else—distracted. Not totally there. Kathy was at the courthouse early that day but I assumed it was about one of the kids… I remember he kept looking at his watch as he practically walked in circles."

" _Elliot."_

" _Yeah."_

" _You checked the time two minutes ago. What's_ _going on?"_

 _Elliot stopped pacing and found Olivia's eyes. He was worried, sad._

" _Elliot, you're scaring me. What is it?"_

 _When he finally said it, it was like the words weren't real to him. His eyes were wild, and somehow at the same time, dead. "Kathy's pregnant."_

 _Like lightening, pain and jealously struck Olivia so hard she knew she couldn't hide it. "Oh."_

" _Oh?"_

 _She shook the shock out of her mind, then moved on to the next thoughts rolling around her head. He didn't use protection? He knew Kathy wasn't on birth control! How could he be so stupid? Then it struck her even harder. This was it. He was moving home. There was no debate after this. It's who he is—the responsible, loving father to a baby that wasn't hers._

" _Liv… say something," Elliot whispered._

 _She fought back tears as she searched for words._

" _We're in recess," the defense attorney Matthew Braden showed up next to them. Thank God, a distraction. "I won't be calling you today, Ms. Benson. Stabler, you're on after lunch."_

" _Can't wait," Elliot said dryly._

 _Fuck this guy. Now she was up for a fight and she didn't know how to take it out on Elliot. Braden was her next best target. "Hold on, you won't be calling me today or you won't be calling me at all?" Olivia asked as the followed the attorney. She was thankful for a little distance from Elliot._

" _As long as we haven't rested, you're still on the hook."_

" _Well then you know where to find me."_

" _Ah, you know this is what I miss the most. Camaraderie. Brothers in Blue!" Olivia could see Elliot walk up behind her in her periphery, but she needed to ignore him right now. She felt bile creeping up her throat. "Even when you clip on the gold shield to your off-the-rack polyester blends. Family. That's what this trial's all about."_

 _She was hot with anger. "This trial is about your lowlife client who murdered a mother and her 14-month-old baby."_

" _My client never had a chance. No one to call. No one to believe in him. Or to give him support or money when he was in trouble. How do you think that makes him feel, detective?"_

" _Not half as bad as the victim when he stabbed her to death, or her son who he buried alive. Too bad they're not here to tell you about it."_

 _She walked away, her head shaking as she fumed. She had to leave before she really exploded on someone. She had to get this anger out. Now. She couldn't control it. She pulled her phone from her purse and sent a single text before heading to her place._

* * *

" _Liv! Please, I know you're in there!"_

 _She watched through the peep hole. His face was distraught. He paced to and from her door several times before banging on it again. Then he slumped forward onto the door and he could tell he was giving up._

 _His voice was quiet this time and Olivia turned to lean with her back against the door. "Liv, I need to talk to you… I…" She closed her eyes tightly. God, this hurt. She clung to her robe and pulled it tighter across her body as if it would comfort her somehow. "I'll be at my apartment," she heard him say from the other side of the door. "Let me know when you're ready."_

 _She made sure he was gone, then went back to her bedroom._

" _Who was it?" Dean asked when she reentered._

" _No one—solicitors." She knew he wouldn't believe her, but she tried it anyway. She picked his pants up from the floor and threw them to him on the bed. "Listen, I have to get going."_

 _Dean looked at his watch. "It's two o'clock in the morning."_

 _Olivia shrugged. "The job never sleeps."_

* * *

 _She took the long route to his apartment so she could clear her head, stopped for coffee, then sent him a text when she got there. "MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS."_

 _The door opened a minute later. As was so familiar, she handed him his cup of coffee as he sat down next to her on the steps._

" _You can come up, you know," Elliot started._

" _Not tonight."_

 _He nodded. "Okay." They sat in thick silence for a few minutes before she spoke._

" _You're going to move back home?"_

 _He took a beat before he nodded sadly._

 _She nodded with him. "Good." She somehow meant it genuinely and facetiously at the same time._

" _I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry, Liv."_

 _She released a shaky breath before she responded. "It's not your fault, El… You slept with your wife. You didn't do anything wrong." She knew that in order to survive this, she would have to force them to take ten steps back, take the feelings out. "Look, we decided a long time ago that this was casual, let's just leave it at that."_

 _He turned to her and stared, incredulous. "_ _ **You**_ _admitted that it was more than that."_

 _She shook her head. "What the hell did I know…"_

" _Stop it, Liv. This was never casual and you know—"_

" _IT HAS TO BE." She stood as she yelled. It had to be casual. If it's wasn't… it felt too much like betrayal and she couldn't handle that. Not from him. The irony didn't escape her. She's the one he'd been cheating with for years. Maybe this is what she deserved. She turned back to him after getting her bearings and lowered her voice. "I_ _ **need**_ _it to be."_

" _Okay." He seemed to understand. He nodded his head, then turned his focus on his coffee cup. "You were there. At your place earlier."_

" _Yeah," Olivia sighed._

" _And you weren't alone?"_

 _She closed her eyes. "Elliot…" It was more a warning than the start of a sentence._

" _You were with him?"_

" _Elliot, stop."_

 _Elliot's jaw clenched and more silence filled their space. Olivia's emotions overwhelmed her. She ignored his question. He already knew the answer. She sat back down next to him, took deep, purposeful breaths and threw her head back to keep the tears from falling. "I told the IAB about giving money to Simon while he was a fugitive." The seemingly out of place topic caused Elliot to look over at her. "I'm suspended for two months… Maybe it will be good for us during that time to… to take a break."_

" _Liv, I don't—"_

 _She flinched when he reached for her hand. She didn't even mean to—it was involuntary, but it startled both of them. "Sorry," she said. When she saw his pained expression, she continued. "It won't always be like this. I'm not angry with you, I just… It hurts right now. I need some time, okay?"_

 _Elliot nodded, but she could tell he was holding back. "How long?"_

" _I don't know."_

 _After a long silence, Olivia stood to leave, but she turned back to Elliot when he spoke again._

" _I'm afraid I'm going to go to work tomorrow and hear that you've transferred to computer crimes."_

 _She gave him a sad smile. "I'm not leaving SVU. That's not what I want. Our partnership comes first, remember?"_

" _I…" Elliot hesitated, rubbing his head in frustration. "I don't know what to do from here."_

" _You're gonna go home to your family, El."_

 _Elliot met her eyes, his own were heavy with emotion. There was so much behind his last words. "I don't love her."_

" _I know." She knew he meant it… everything he said and didn't say in that one sentence. Her chin quivered, though, because she knew what she was about to say was just as true._

" _But you can't love me."_

* * *

A/N: There was a lot happening in this chapter so I hope it translated well. I'm enjoying getting into this story. Let me know if you're still enjoying it too! My original goal was to go through the cannon and imagine an affair throughout the show, which seems to be working out so far. If you have specific episodes or scenes from this point until Elliot's departure that you want included in the story, let me know!


	13. Chapter 13

"How long was your suspension?" Amanda asked.

"Only a few weeks," Olivia replied.

"And you didn't talk to him at all during it?"

"We did talk, actually. A couple times. The first week was miserable because I was too upset and hurt to talk to him, but by the second week I just started missing my friend. I stopped ignoring his texts but was still very… cordial. I also didn't want things to be awkward at work, so I thought it would be better if I started talking to him while I was gone. I needed to push through that pain."

" _HEY. SORRY I'VE BEEN MIA," Olivia texted._

 _His reply took no longer than a minute. "IT'S OK. I UNDERSTAND. HOW ARE YOU?"_

" _GOOD," she lied. "GOT A HAIR CUT. OTHERWISE PRETTY BORED. YOU?" she bit the inside of her cheek as she typed the next sentence. "HOW'S THE FAMILY?"_

 _The next reply took a little longer. "WE'RE ALL GOOD."_

 _The short message infuriated and humored her. It was so Elliot—short, to the point, avoiding what he knows will hurt her. But he clearly didn't want to avoid all emotion because he sent another text soon after._

" _RELIVED TO HEAR FROM YOU. I MISS YOU."_

 _It made Olivia smile, but she wasn't ready for the sentiment. Not yet._

" _EVERYONE BEHAVING AT WORK?" she said to change the subject._

" _NO MORE THAN USUAL :)"_

" _TELL ME ABOUT THE CASE." She was curious to know what they were working on, but more than that, she was enjoying talking to him, and this would keep the conversation going._

"We texted for a while, but eventually it was too much to type, so he called to talk on the phone. We got into that habit every day for the next week and a half until I went back. Nothing personal though, I kept it work-related even though I was only helping with the case because I wanted to talk to Elliot. He probably knew it too and just played along. But any time he tried to turn it personal I'd ignore it or change the subject."

 _She held the phone to her face with her shoulder as she put apples in a bag at the grocery store. "So, what did Warner say? Was there evidence of sexual assault?"_

" _Report isn't back yet. I'm on my way to the M.E.'s office now to see if I can speed things along," Elliot said. "Munch is talking to the boyfriend."_

" _You two still playing nice?" she joked._

" _He's driving me insane."_

 _She laughed. "That's what the insane do—drive the rest of us to join them."_

 _She could hear him chuckle lightly by the breath he blew into the phone. "It's good to hear you laugh," he said, the tone of his voice changing to something warm._

 _She smiled but stayed silent. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to act around him anymore beyond work. He was back with his wife so they would officially be cheating again if they continued sleeping together, but he made it clear that he didn't love Kathy. If she was honest, though, she mostly needed to stay platonic because anytime she thought about being more, she remembered that she couldn't just show up at his apartment and cuddle on the couch, or casually head back to her place after work and watch tv until they fell asleep, or ravage each other until the sun came up. Things were different now._

" _Any other leads on the perp?" she asked, evading the sentiment._

 _She noted the huff on the other end of the phone and wondered if he was frustrated with her._

 _He answered anyway. "No, but I'll fill you in when we have any leads."_

"When I went back to work, everyone made comments about my hair… it was darker and much shorter than I had it before I was suspended, but I noticed that Elliot didn't say anything about it. He just stared for a minute before we caught a case. He didn't mention anything until we finally got a moment alone."

 _Olivia walked out of the interrogation room and stood next to Elliot, arms crossed, watching the suspect, Janice. She was racking her brain, trying to discern whether this woman was actually insane or deserving of a golden globe award. She was so caught up in the case that Elliot's next comment threw her._

" _You're so beautiful," he said in a low whisper._

 _Olivia's jaw opened as she turned toward him, shocked that he was on such a different wave length at that particular moment, after she had interrogated Janice for half an hour._

 _Elliot was still facing the window, but she could tell by the slight turn of his head and back that he saw her confusion. "Sorry," he said. "I just… couldn't stop staring at you in there. Your hair… it suits you."_

 _She turned back and shook her head in tiny oscillations to get back to her main focus. "Do you think she's playing us?"_

 _Elliot didn't respond for a few seconds. "I don't know," his answer was short, a little snappy. He turned toward her and reached for her arm, taking her elbow in his hand. "Can we—"_

 _She took one step to the side and slipped out of his grasp. "No," she answered. She continued watching Janice through the window. "Not yet."_

* * *

 _Elliot picked up the phone while they searched the crime scene. "Kathy, now's not a good time…" Olivia's ears perked up at the name. "What?" Elliot asked, his speech more pressured. His eyes widened in panic. "Get out of there now!"_

 _Sudden fear shot through Olivia as he saw her partner's dread. He started to walk out of the room as he hung up the phone. "Elliot, what's up?" she asked with concern._

" _Janice is at my house with a knife."_

"During the ride over to his house, I was genuinely concerned about Kathy and the baby. And I was so impressed with how Kathy handled the situation, she was calm and empathetic. Not many civilians would have maintained their cool like she did. It didn't even phase me until later how quickly Elliot went back to using phrases like ' _his_ house' and ' _his_ wife.' Both were true, but the transition back didn't take much time at all," Olivia said. "We arrested Janice, put her in a cop car to go back to the precincts, then Elliot and I headed back after making sure Kathy was okay. I guess I was quiet in the car, because it seemed unsettling to him."

" _We talked more on phone calls during your suspension," Elliot pointed out._

 _Olivia turned to look at him only for a moment, she gave him a thin-lipped smile, then went back to watching out the window. She recalled the picture of the sonogram on the fridge as she passed by it on her way to subdue Janice, the family photo from two years ago next to it. She wondered what his life was like now, how he and Kathy were getting along, but she couldn't ask… it would come off as petty and jealous._

"This went on for a while. I hated it," Olivia explained. "We worked well together, of course, but there was something so distant between us. And I knew it was my fault, I wasn't connecting with him. But I had to maintain it for my own sanity.

"So, did you and Elliot ever talk about how you were feeling?"

"Yeah. It started with this murderer, Morten. He had followers who started killing for him as copy cats and somehow I became a target. One of his minions followed me home and attacked me. Thankfully I was on the phone with someone at the precinct at the time, so help came immediately, but I still had to fight him off and got stabbed in the process… just the arm, nothing serious. But Elliot didn't see it that way."

" _You really beat the crap outa that guy," Elliot said as he strolled up._

 _They talked professionally until the scene was cleared, then went inside Olivia's apartment. Her adrenaline was still flowing. She went straight to her work bag to pull files on the case. "How is Morten convincing his followers to kill for them? What does he have over them?" She stood up, flipping through the pages of the file. She found the section she was looking for right when Elliot took the entire stack out of her hand._

" _Elliot, what the hell? I was—"_

 _He took her arm. "You're still bleeding," he said._

 _Caught off-guard by his gentleness, Olivia paused, allowing him to roll up her sleeve and place a paper towel over the wound, holding pressure. Her eyes moved from what he was doing on her arm, to his face, and he was focused intently on her. It brought her out of her shock and she pulled away, taking the towel to hold pressure herself. "I got it… thanks," she said as she moved from his hold._

 _Elliot's soft smile fell, and in a quick, swift move, he turned, glided to the refrigerator, and punched it, effectively causing magnets and pictures to fall to the floor._

 _Olivia stared with her jaw open for a moment before trying to lighten the situation, figuring he was pent up about the fact that she was attacked._

" _Didn't think my place was messy enough as it was?" she joked._

 _He didn't answer. He just breathed heavily as he leaned with his head against his arm on the fridge._

" _Elliot, I'm fine. It's just my arm."_

" _Great," he said, his voice low and gravelly. Clearly, there was something else happening she wasn't aware of._

" _What the hell is going on?"_

" _It's nothing."_

 _She was too fired up for this. She didn't have time for his bullshit. She raised her voice. "It's clearly not nothing! Talk to me. What's going on?"_

 _He took another big breath. "I fucked up." He finally lifted his head from the fridge and turned toward her._

" _With the case?" she asked._

 _He didn't miss a beat. "With you."_

" _ **What?"**_ _she was officially baffled._

" _When I slept with Kathy."_

 _Everything came together with the one sentence and she let out a huge, frustrated breath. She sat down on a chair at the table, wiping the hair out of her face with her hand, still holding the towel to that arm with the other. "We've talked about this, El… You slept with the wife you were trying to reconcile with. You didn't do anything wrong."_

" _Then why are you so angry with me?"_

 _Her brow furrowed when she looked at him. "What makes you think I'm angry? We've been working together great, won cases, hung out with the team at the bar…"_

" _But never alone," he cut in. "And you won't even…" he paused, shuffled his feet, then put his hands on his hips. "You pull away every time I touch you."_

 _Her heart softened when she realized his pain. Their distance was hard for him. She knew he'd been trying to make things right and she wouldn't give him the time of day. She owed him an explanation—the truth—as much as it was vulnerable for her. "I'm not angry, Elliot, I'm… jealous."_

 _His anger morphed into confusion, "What?"_

 _Olivia barely smiled and gave a soft shrug. "Kathy gets to have another baby with the man she…" she caught herself before she gave away too much. "…with_ _ **you**_ _…" She averted her eyes, looked down at the table. "It just stings a little, that's all."_

 _She heard the water run in the sink for a moment, but she didn't look up. The next thing she knew, Elliot was right in front of her. He kneeled, and when she met his eyes, he swiped her hair back behind her ear, then took the cloth away from her arm. "Bleeding stopped," he said softly. Then he took a wet paper towel and wiped the dried blood from her arm. It was intimate and sweet. She felt cared for. "I just miss you," he confessed._

 _Every instinct in her wanted to kiss him right then because she missed him too, more than he could know, but she knew she wasn't ready yet. "I'll get past it," she assured him. "I'm…_ _ **getting**_ _past it. Give me some more time."_

"How long did it take you?" Amanda asked.

Olivia smirked. "Not long. That conversation set us back on track. It cleared the air and we found our partner chemistry again. A week later, Elliot was knocked unconscious by a perp, temporarily blinding him and… well, I lost my shit. All I could do when it happened was hold him and tell him it would be okay. Kathy came to the hospital and I could hardly keep myself away from him while she was there. When she finally left, I practically threw myself at him."

 _Olivia watched through the window as Kathy left. When she turned a corner and was no longer in Olivia's sight, Olivia closed the blinds and locked the door._

" _Liv?" Elliot asked. "You still there?"_

 _Olivia went to the bed and climbed in next to him. She kissed his forehead, cheeks, and pecked his lips once before guiding his head to her chest. "I'm here," she said, holding back her tears. "I know this is wrong, that she just left, but—"_

" _I don't care," Elliot said, pulling her closer._

"Nothing else happened that day, but I fought for him through that case, wanted revenge. I was furious. Casey Novak and I got into a huge fight. She never said anything, but I'm sure I gave myself away. I fought for him much more than a partner should have. A couple weeks later, I saved Elliot's baby during his birth."

Amanda's posture straightened. "Wait, what?"

"It would take a while to explain, but long story short, we got into a wreck, Kathy went into labor, I happened to be with her, they lived."

 _She grinned when he walked out of the hospital room. "How's the baby?" He looked elated, fatherly. She knew he was instantly in love with the little boy._

 _A smile and sigh overtook him. "Great."_

 _They gave each other a grateful, knowing look, then started to part ways, but he caught her arm and spun her around, causing her chest to crash into his. He held her so close and Olivia was afraid it was too public, but her eyes closed and relief flooded her at the embrace._

" _It should have been you," he whispered. "Us."_

 _Her head shook. "Stop," she whispered back. "All that matters is that your son is okay."_

" _Okay," he said. They pulled back._

" _Pick a name?" Olivia asked. They started to walk out of the hospital in sync._

" _Kathy wants to name him after me."_

 _It made Olivia smirk. "Just what the world needs. Another Elliot Stabler."_

"That night, Elliot stayed at the hospital and I went to dinner with an editor for the New York Ledger, Kurt Moss."

Amanda leaned in. "I think I know who you're talking about… sexy old guy who runs the place now?"

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, I dated that _old guy_ for several months."

"Was it serious?"

"As serious as it could have been while partners with Elliot. Kurt was handsome, smart, sexy, successful, older… everything I normally would want in a man. He was perfect for me. But I was in love with someone else."

"So I guess you and Elliot weren't together for a while then, if you were seeing someone. I'm sure he wasn't happy about that."

"He didn't know about it," Olivia explained. "And we started sleeping together again before he found out."

Amanda's head met her palm. "You two will never learn… So when did you hook up again?"

 _She'd been sitting in the same spot for five hours. It seemed like five minutes, but she knew how long it had been because she checked the clock when she walked in to find Lauren Cooper sitting at the table. The other cops and CSU had already processed the scene and Lauren's body was taken to the morgue. But Olivia was stuck. She couldn't move. The empty apartment trapped her in somehow._

" _How long you been here?"_

 _His voice. He couldn't be here. He was in Montreal. It didn't make sense._

 _He squatted down in front of her and caught her eyes. "Hey." His voice was calm and steady—exactly what she needed._

 _As soon as she saw him she broke down again. "I took the gun, El. But she… She knew exactly what she was doing. I should have known. She made it too easy."_

" _You did exactly what you were supposed to do."_

" _Why'd she do it?" Tears took over the surface of her skin and she fell into his arms as she sobbed._

" _Let's get you home," he said. She nodded in compliance._

 _When they got home she stopped in the middle of the living room, not knowing what to do. Even with her eyes open, she couldn't stop seeing Agent Cooper put the gun to her head. "Please don't leave." She couldn't even see Elliot. Didn't know where in her apartment he was, but knew he had to be close by._

" _I'm supposed to be in Montreal until tomorrow. I can stay as long as you need." He came up behind her, but warned her before touching her, aware of the fact that she was mentally somewhere else and it might startle her. "Liv, I'm right behind you. I'm gonna hold you. Okay?"_

 _She nodded her head and sank into him as his chest met her back and arms wrapped around her._

 _Her eyes opened slowly the next morning._

" _Did you sleep well?"_

 _There was no way she could explain the relief she felt seeing him next to her in her bed. It had been so long. She nodded. "Surprisingly, I did," she said. "I don't even remember coming to bed."_

" _I wondered how much you'd remember. You were in shock."_

 _She reached up and scratched the stubble on his face. "Thank you for staying."_

" _I never would have left you like that."_

" _How did you know?" she asked._

" _Melinda called. Said she was worried about you, couldn't get you to talk to her, or take you out of the apartment. I left immediately, got there as soon as I could."_

 _Olivia lunged forward and captured his lips, rolling herself on top of him as she did. He wasted no time entering her mouth and she devoured his tongue. Elliot whipped her tee shirt over her head and she followed with the same action on him. She wasn't wearing a bra and the feeling of her breasts against his chest was incredible, warm electric. Wetness was slick in her panties already. She needed him inside of her. "I need to feel you, Elliot…_ _ **really**_ _feel you."_

 _She could see that he understood what she meant. She needed to be fucked hard, needed_ _ **him**_ _to fuck her hard, just to be able to feel something. Olivia sat up on her knees and let her panties drop. She was about to lean forward to take them all the way off but Elliot's chest collided with hers and she was flying backwards in his arms. Her squeal of surprise was pushed out of her lungs when he pinned her hard into the wall. Her legs and arms wrapped around him as she kissed him passionately. He fiddled for a moment with his pants and his teeth sank into the curve between her neck and shoulder when he plunged himself into her. They groaned loudly together before he set a fast, hard pace, slamming deep, their bodies slapping together._

" _Yes!" Olivia cried out, her head thrown back against the wall. "Yes, god, yes, Elliot!"_

 _She knew how much he loved hearing his name during sex, and she loved the growl of a reaction she got just then. She was close already. He turned them around and threw her on the bed, disconnecting with her for only a second before he was back inside her, standing while she was laying at the edge of the bed. He leaned over and took her breast in his mouth, swirling his tongue around her nipple. She felt her orgasm building._

 _He let her breast go with a pop. "I'm gonna cum, Liv," he breathed out._

" _Okay," she said. She stretched and reached back behind her for the drawer of her bedside table, twisted her body slightly to grab the vibrator inside. She turned it on and a buzz filled the room. When she looked back at Elliot's shocked face, she realized this was just another thing Kathy never did. She grinned at him seductively. "Now I'm about to cum too," she said._

 _She placed the vibrator on her clit and Elliot watched her as he started thrusting again. "You're so goddam sexy, Olivia," he told her._

 _She was too far gone to respond. His thrusts and the vibrations of her toy sent her quickly into ecstasy and she was moaning loudly. "Oh god! Don't stop! Don't stop!"_

" _Jesus, Liv! Fuck!" Elliot yelled as he spilled inside of her, the sensations sending her flying, squirming between his legs as he held her in place._

 _She dropped the toy and Elliot leaned over to rest his head on her chest as they caught their breath. When they did, the scooted back into their regular spots in bed and Elliot kissed her stomach, her chest, her breasts, her neck, cheek, lips, as his hands roamed her curves._

 _He laid back finally and she rested her head on his chest. "I missed you," Elliot said to Olivia. His voice was full of emotion._

 _Olivia ran her hands up and down the hard plains of his abdomen. She couldn't deny or ignore it this time. She kissed his chest sweetly. "I missed you too." He could never understand how much._

* * *

 **This one ran through several eps to get to where I wanted to be, hope it worked! The next chapter is more focused, though! Thanks for reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

"Another weird time for me was the first time I was assaulted," Olivia said. "But it was a significant time for Elliot and me."

"You mentioned that briefly once. What happened?" Amanda asked.

"I went undercover at Sealview Prison and one of the officers there took me to the basement and tried to rape me. Fin came in just in time, but barely. Harris beat me and exposed himself to me before Fin got in."

"How did you handle it after?"

She thought for a minute. "It's strange, you know… after William Lewis, my PTSD was immediate. But after Harris, I was angry and a little withdrawn, but the PTSD didn't set in until later."

"Well," Amanda said. "That's not too surprising. We've seen that happen a lot with victims."

Olivia nodded. "And that's the word I couldn't handle. Victim. In the days after he attacked me, I tried so hard to put on a brave face, but Elliot could see through it."

" _Six," Fin said. They were all on their third round of drinks after closing another case._

" _Six!" Detective Lake chimed in. "That HAS to be a record."_

 _Munch interrupted with his beer held high. "Now wait a minute, Liv has been awfully quiet over there and I have a sneaking feeling her number is pretty high."_

 _Casey encouraged him. "Actually, I happen to KNOW that Liv's number is higher than six!"_

 _It warranted a playful punch to Casey's arm. "Shut up, Casey!" Olivia smiled and shook her head. "No! I'm not getting involved in your locker room talk!"_

" _Bull!" Fin said. "Since when do you back down from locker room talk? Especially when drinking!"_

" _Fine," she said, easily convinced, obviously. She didn't need to think about it. She'd known the answer since it was brought up. She glanced at Elliot and saw a curious glare. She licked her teeth with a snide smile, knowing she was about to win. "Twelve."_

 _The whole table, sans Elliot, erupted into a howl. "TWELVE?" Lake repeated. Olivia couldn't help but laugh. "Yep." She avoided eye contact with Elliot, she wasn't sure what his reaction would be, but it was probably best that they didn't meet eyes at that moment._

" _You've had twelve orgasms in one night? Liv, that's fuckin incredible," Fin said. "Liv's drinks are on us tonight! She wins!"_

 _Olivia started scooting out of the booth. "In that case, I better go to the ladies' room before hitting the bar again."_

 _She wasn't surprised when he followed, or when she heard the door lock behind her. "Twelve?" he asked._

 _She made it to the sink, looked quickly under the stalls to make sure they were alone, then faced him. "It's the truth."_

 _He walked slowly toward her. "So that means… Unless there's someone out there who has tied me, I'VE set your record for most orgasms in one night."_

 _She bit her lip as he closed the distance between them. "You did set it," she said, her tone low and sultry. Elliot nipped her neck as she leaned on her arms, then his hands drifted down to squeeze her ass. "But someone has also tied it."_

 _Elliot stopped what he was doing and his head popped up. "Who?"_

 _Jealousy. Is it bad that she kind of missed seeing it in him? "None of your business," she said with a smirk._

" _But Casey knows?"_

" _Yeah, she knows about it. I told her I was having great sex at the time, but I obviously couldn't tell her who it was. She knows who tied you though."_

 _The lighting in the bathroom was low, but she swore she could see Elliot's face flush._

" _Now, I really did have to pee." She walked around to the stall and closed the door._

" _Is it someone I know?"_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes. "I'm not telling you, Elliot."_

" _So, yes. I do know them… Just say it!"_

" _Someone at the 1-6?"_

" _Elliot…"_

" _Is he in law enforcement at all?"_

" _You think I'm going to answer that?"_

" _Tell me."_

" _No." She finished up and flushed the toilet._

" _I have to know"_

" _Why?"_

" _Because… I have to beat that record now."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes again and she walked out of the stall and to the sink to wash her hands. "You don't need a name to break a record, El. But that was also years ago. We were younger then… I don't know if I have it in me anymore." Especially right now. She was exhausted and didn't even want to think about that. She dried her hands and tossed the paper towel, then remembered to keep up her façade of feeling normal. "We burned a lot of calories that night." She walked to him, pressed her body up against him, possibly over-compensating, then she snaked her hands to his neck and whispered into his year. "Not sure if you still have it in you either, Old Man."_

" _Oh, I still have it."_

 _With that, she snickered and walked out of the restroom._

 _He followed her to the bar to order more drinks. He leaned in close enough that only she could hear, but stayed far enough away not to tip any of their friends off. "I'll make you a deal. I give you thirteen orgasms in one night, you tell me who tied my record."_

 _She shook her head. "So possessive."_

" _Yes. I am. So? How bout tonight?"_

 _Her eyes widened slightly. She told Kurt that she'd stay at his place tonight after drinks with her coworkers. "Don't you need to get home?" she asked._

" _I can 'catch a random case.' Kathy won't miss me."_

 _She also didn't want him to see the bruises and ask questions again. "Elliot... Not tonight. I'm probably just going to fall asleep when I get home."_

 _His eyes narrowed for a second. "You okay?"_

 _Their drinks landed in front of them just in time, the usual orders for the whole table that the bartenders knew by heart. Elliot and Olivia each took half and balanced their way back to the table._

" _Just tell me!" Elliot whispered on the way back, the concern in his voice gone._

 _She smiled back at him. "This is killing you, isn't it?"_

 _They set their drinks down and Elliot's jaw just clenched._

" _What's the matter, Liv?" Munch asked. "Elliot giving you a hard time about the lucky guy?"_

" _It was a long time ago, you guys!" Olivia announced._

" _Next question!" Fin yelled. "How many people in law enforcement have each of us slept with?"_

 _Casey raised a glass to get a word in. "Do lawyers count?!"_

" _Absolutely! They count twice!"_

 _Olivia knew that she would win that one too, but it wasn't one she wanted to stay for, and definitely not one she wanted to think about tonight. "I'm going to head home, you guys! See you Monday!"_

" _Need a lift?" She was two steps out of the bar when he asked._

" _Not tonight. Thanks, though."_

" _Big plans?" he joked, following her down the street. She let him accompany her. She obviously couldn't drive with him to Kurt's place, but she'd take the walk with him to the subway. Anything to calm her anxiety. Drinks only helped so much. She didn't answer him, just kept walking._

" _Liv, stop—"_

" _I'm not telling you who it was, Elliot."_

" _No, I don't care about that." Elliot grabbed her arm and pulled her to a halt. She immediately ripped her arm away and stepped back. It was an instinct, she didn't think about it. She was fine until she looked at his face, unsurprised._

 _He knew._

 _She couldn't stop her chin from quivering. He stepped in closer, checked their surroundings before he asked it again. "What happened in that basement, Liv?"_

 _She closed her eyes hard. "Nothing."_

" _Bullshit." When she averted her eyes, he stepped in one more time. "Look, you don't have to tell me, but let me take you home and be with you."_

 _It was tempting. She knew she would feel safest if he was there. There was more comfort with Elliot than with Kurt, but her anger and humiliation were still hot. That was easier to cover up with Kurt._

 _She looked up at him, squinting with disbelieving eyes, unsure. And of course, he read her mind. "It will kill me, but I won't ask questions. I'll just be there. I promise."_

 _She nodded, let him take the lead to his car, then sent Kurt a text when she was buckled in. "RAIN CHECK—FEELING SICK TONIGHT. CALL YOU TOMORROW."_

* * *

" _Liv? Your tea is ready."_

 _She hadn't realized how long she'd been staring at herself in the mirror. She snapped out of it and pulled her robe closed right as Elliot walked in._

" _Thought you were going to take a shower," he said as he approached her. He lifted her face with his hand to inspect it. He hadn't seen the bruise without ten pounds of makeup to cover it. A deep purple was setting in. It looked worse than it felt, and that was saying something._

 _She tried to distract him. "I'm going to, I just…" Who was she kidding, she didn't have the energy to lie anymore. She'd been lying all day at work. And then there was Elliot in front of her. She hated the look of concern on his face and she knew how hard it was for him not to ask what happened again._

" _Does it hurt?"_

 _Olivia's throat felt dry, so she wasn't surprised when her voice was a strangled rasp. "Yeah."_

 _Elliot moved to the bathtub and turned the water on, testing the temperature and adjusting the handle until it was right, then he held his hand out to Olivia._

" _Elliot…" she protested._

" _Come here," he said softly._

 _She took his hand and let him draw her in closer. He kissed her lightly. "I will never lay a hand on you unless I have your permission… you know that, right?"_

 _She exhaled. "Of course I know that, El."_

 _He nodded. "I won't ask you to tell me what happened… But… why don't you want me to know?"_

 _Her eyes watered. Explaining why she didn't want him to know was just as hard as explaining what happened. But she felt so safe with him. Tears fell when she closed her eyes, afraid to look at him when she said it. "I'm… embarrassed. I feel weak… Used." Shit. She couldn't stop the tears._

' _I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!'_ _the memory echoed in her mind a thousand times since the attack._ _'I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!'_

 _His hand met her chin again and he prompted her to look at him. "You're the strongest person I know, Liv. Whatever happened… I don't think any differently of you."_

 _Her tearful eyes saw that he meant it. "Okay," she whispered._

" _I'm going to take your robe off so you can get in the bath... Is that okay?"_

 _She nodded with a wince, knowing he what he would see._

 _Elliot pulled at one of the strings on her robe and the tie came undone. He slowly pushed the robe off her shoulders and his eyes drifted to her abdomen, where there was a large, dark purple bruise above her hip. Elliot's chest rose and fell a little faster and she watched his jaw clench._

" _You okay?" she asked, her voice shaking._

 _Elliot huffed. "_ _ **You're**_ _worried about_ _ **me**_ _?"_

 _She smiled. "Maybe."_

" _Hop in. I'll go get your tea." His speech was more pressured, but she could tell he was trying to stay calm._

 _She hesitated when she saw that he was waiting for her to get in._

" _What is it?" he asked._

" _I… Nothing… Just, when I get in you're going to see another bruise on my back. It's a little worse than this one," she placed her hand on her abdomen. "And two others behind my knees."_

 _He looked away from her and breathed irregularly. "Liv… What—"_

" _You said you wouldn't ask," she interrupted. "I just wanted to warn you."_

 _He looked back at her and took a beat before he nodded. "I'll be back with your tea. Get in when I leave."_

 _She agreed and stepped into the warm water when he left. It was soothing, especially in such a vulnerable moment. She shuttered and sobbed silently for just a few moments before she knew he would be back, then pulled herself together._

 _He walked back in with a hot mug and set it down on the edge of the tub. "Is there anything else I can get you?"_

 _She shook her head 'no,' and he started to walk out. "Stay," she said before he got too far._

 _He stopped and turned back. His features were a mixture of sadness and anger. Then he stooped down and sat on the other side of the tub, resting his arm on the edge next to hers. She leaned over and pulled his head close to kiss him._

 _They rested their foreheads together, their hands held each other. "I want to kill him, Liv."_

" _Get in line."_

" _I know you've been guarded with our relationship and… and I know that feelings and sentiment scare you, but…" his words fell apart. She saw the struggle in his mind. He didn't want to freak her out, but his love for her was so intense in that moment and he wanted her to know._

 _She_ _ **had**_ _been guarded. Those three words were one of the only things she had left to protect herself from the pain of inevitably losing him one day. But after Sealview… Harris… After being treated like scum, worthless, a piece of meat… After fearing for her life while a man who hated her tried to force himself on her…_

 _She kept her forehead to his and stroked the back of his head. "I think I need to hear it," she whispered._

 _Elliot's head pulled slowly back from hers. "Look at me," he said._

 _She took another moment to prepare herself, then opened her eyes to find him staring back at her in the most intense gaze she'd ever seen._

" _I love you, Olivia Benson. I love you today, I loved you yesterday, I've been in love with you for longer than I even know. I would love you if we had never slept together nine years ago and I will love you if you never wanted to see me again after tonight… I can't stop loving you, Liv." He finally smiled an adorable half-smile. "I've tried."_

 _Olivia let out a sob as she smiled, tears stinging her eyes once again. She couldn't say it back, she still needed to guard herself with those words, but today, she could accept them. She kissed him passionately and stood. She stepped out of the tub and soaked his dry clothes with her wet body as she pulled him to her. Then she held his face as she looked at him. "Make love to me, Elliot."_


	15. Chapter 15

_Her eyes blinked heavily and she inhaled deeply as she awoke, rubbing her face as the clock came into focus: 3:48am. She sighed as she stretched, remembering the man next to her on the bed who left her feeling satiated, cared for… loved. She turned over to nuzzle herself into his chest, surprised to find him sitting up, facing away from her, his legs off the side of the bed._

" _El?"_

 _His head turned in the direction of her groggy voice. "Did I wake you?" asked._

 _She sat up and scooted closer to him, kissing his back and resting her head there lazily. "No," she answered. She stroked his side softly. "What's wrong?"_

" _Nothing."_

 _Olivia kissed his back again, the warmth of his skin on her lips a comfort. She kissed over to his shoulder until she could see his face. "Something," she countered. "Tell me."_

 _Elliot sighed and pressed his lips together in a tight line._

 _He didn't need to say it. She knew what was bothering him, and something about the fact that he wasn't pressing her made her love him even more. She was thankful for their current position, because she didn't want to face him when she said it. She scooted in a little closer, closing the small gap between them and connecting her naked front with his naked back, her breasts pressing into him. She took three deep breaths. "He didn't rape me," she finally said._

 _Elliot continued to stare at a spot on the wall in front of him. "When we were taking pictures of Harris, you wouldn't look. We see a lot of naked people in this job. I've never seen you actively force your eyes away so you didn't have to see… How did you know that Ashley was right about the mole?"_

 _Olivia felt her face flush and her eyes stung. Saying it out loud made it so real. She snaked her arm to his front and he took the hint, holding her arm between his hand and his abdomen._

" _I'm sorry," Elliot said. "I don't want to push you. I just… I can't stop thinking about it… about what he…" his words fell apart._

 _She rested her head against him and focused on his body warming hers before she spoke. "By the time Fin got in," she started, "I was on the ground and Harris was forcing my mouth open to… he told me he would kill me if I bit him."_

 _His grip on her arm tightened. "I should never have let you go undercover."_

 _She chuckled. "Since when are you able to stop me from doing anything?"_

" _I should have been there," he said, changing his direction instead of taking the joke. "I should have protected you. I'm your partner."_

 _Olivia kissed his back two more times before she got out of bed and walked around to stand in front of him. She took his face in her hands, then straddled his lap, pulling him in close for a kiss. She kept her hands on his face when she broke it and looked directly and intently into his eyes. "I knew what I was getting into when I went to SealView," she said, quietly but seriously. "I knew the risks. There is nothing you could have done differently."_

 _He veered his eyes. "I could have—"_

" _Hey," Olivia interrupted, moving her head back into his line of sight. "Stop. This isn't your fault. Do you hear me?"_

 _Elliot closed his eyes and nodded his head. His hands drifted up and down Olivia's back. "I just…"_

" _You love me?" Olivia asked, a small smile appearing on one side of her lips. It was a relief to say out loud, even if it wasn't actually saying it back, it was the closest she'd come._

 _Elliot sighed as he smiled back. "So damn much."_

" _I heard." She leaned forward and met his lips in a passionate kiss while pushing Elliot down on the bed. She lifted herself up, reached between them for his hardening cock, then slid down on him._

…

"Another glass?" Olivia asked Amanda. She stood from her seat and walked toward the kitchen.

"Sure," Amanda said. "You said that Elliot found out about Kurt. What happened there?"

Olivia nodded her head as she recalled the case and poured another glass. "We had a case where a closeted gay NFL player was the lover of a man who was murdered. I accidently let it slip to his cover-up girlfriend and it got out. The Ledger printed the story in the paper."

Amanda's nodded slowly. "Aahh… And they thought you leaked it to Kurt."

Olivia handed Amanda her wine and sat back down across from her. "IAB saw that I'd been calling Kurt a lot and assumed I was leaking information, so I had to reluctantly explain that I was dating him and Tucker suspended me. Then he told the rest of my co-workers about it."

"So, Elliot had to find out about Kurt through _Tucker?_ " Amanda said. "There's no way that went well."

Olivia shook her head. "No, it didn't. I went to the Ledger to talk to Kurt and Elliot was already there, supposedly trying to 'help'. I told both I didn't need their help and made Elliot leave. He was clearly pissed, but I needed to talk to Kurt alone. Kurt agreed to call IAB to clear my name, then I went to find Elliot."

 _Olivia gave Kurt Moss a half-hearted kiss before she walked out of his office. Elliot left just minutes before her and she knew he would be waiting for her. There was no way he was going to leave. She walked out of the building entrance and looked around the busy Manhattan side walk._

 _Arms crossed and face tight, she spotted him leaning against a large window pane of the building. Bastard was waiting, just like she predicted. She stormed toward him, yelling before she got to him. "I cannot_ _ **believe**_ _you showed up here! You have no right to—"_

" _ **I**_ _have no right?" Elliot straightened from his leaning position and armed himself for battle as she approached. "_ _ **You**_ _have no right to keep a boyfriend from me for MONTHS! And to find out from fucking_ _ **Tucker**_ _that you've been 'screwing the paperboy'…" He let out a disgusted grunt._

 _Olivia scoffed, unbelief and anger boiling within her. "YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!"_

" _I didn't want to know who you were SLEEPING WITH!" Elliot retorted. "NOT WHO YOU WERE_ _ **DATING**_ _!"_

 _Olivia reared her head back, her eyes wild with confusion. "The fuck?! Do you even hear yourself right now?"_

 _They were yelling, but between the traffic, wind, and bustling streets, they felt like it was a private conversation._

" _You've been DATING him, Olivia! For MONTHS! This isn't just some guy you're fucking just for the sake of getting off! This is a goddam RELATIONSHIP and you didn't have the decency to tell me about it!"_

 _She was speechless, had no idea what to say. Did he have a point?_

 _He breathed raggedly. "Regardless of what is going on between us," he flicked his finger back and forth between them, "I'm still supposed to be your best friend! And that's a huge thing to hide from someone you call your best friend!"_

 _She stayed silent. He was right. She thought she was doing him a favor by keeping her relationship hidden from him, but it_ _ **was**_ _different. She was about to apologize when he spoke again._

" _Do you…" he stopped and looked down to the ground, his hands on his hips, then looked back up, determined to finish the sentence. But she could tell it was painful to ask. His voice was low for the first time in this fight, but still held an intense fury. "Do you love him?... Have you told him you love him?"_

 _After registering the question, Olivia shook her head and laughed humorlessly. Best friend, my ass, she thought. This wasn't about keeping secrets. It was about jealousy. She raised her voice again. "THIS is why our situation doesn't work, Elliot!" she said. "Your life and your_ _ **wife**_ _are built-in and I have to deal with that… that's fine. But as soon as you get wind of a man in my life all hell breaks loose. To tell you about them or not? I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't! You think if I'd told you months ago that I was dating him, you wouldn't have come down here to see him? Intimidate him? Suss him out? NO. We'd be in the exact same situation." She stopped to catch her breath, and she realized it as she was saying it… "Elliot, I'm never going to meet someone significant while I'm sleeping with you!"_

 _Saying it scared and confused her. But it was true. As long as she and Elliot were in an affair, she didn't have a chance of finding a man she could have a future with. Elliot would always come first. Her anger started to distort into some kind of despair. What was she doing? This was supposed to be casual and she let it become…_

 _Shit. It's become too much._

" _What are you saying, Olivia?" Elliot asked once he digested her words. "What do you want? Do you… Do you want to stop this?"_

 _She exhaled sharply and ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know…" she said, honestly. She felt the need to cross her arms protectively in front of her. Something about this fight was too vulnerable for her. "Look, you're still on the clock and I have stuff to figure out with the Ledger."_

 _She started to walk off, needing room to think, but he grabbed her arm. "Liv, wait!" he said, his voice insistent. "What just happened?"_

 _She took his hand off her arm and spoke softly. "I appreciate you coming here and trying to make things right, but this is my battle."_

" _And you're_ _ **my**_ _partner."_

 _She watched him for a beat. "I'll see you later, Elliot."_

… _.._

 _It was around 11pm when he showed up._

" _Hey," he said, almost apologetically._

 _She'd had all day to think through everything and felt more at peace, so Elliot's wary eyes when she answered the door made her smile just slightly. "Hey." She stepped to the side. "Come in." Olivia shut the door behind him and leaned back into it as he shrugged his coat off and draped it over a chair in the kitchen. She pressed her lips together before she spoke. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him."_

 _His body was facing her but his eyes were on the ground. "Just glad you have someone."_

 _With no inkling of believing him, she nodded once with her eyes drawn in._

 _Elliot rubbed the back of his neck, still avoiding her face. "I had no right to… You were right about…" When he couldn't find the right words, he settled for "I'm sorry."_

 _She continued to watch him. "He asked me to move in with him."_

 _Finally, his eyes lifted to hers in a panic she could tell he was trying to suppress. "And?"_

 _She pushed herself off the door and started walking to the kitchen. "And I broke up with him."_

 _She was getting the wine out of the cabinet, so she couldn't see him, but she imagined his tension decreasing monumentally. The glug of the liquid pouring into two glasses filled the silence until Olivia turned and handed one to him. She took a sip of her own. "I meant what I said today—I won't be able to meet anyone while you and I are… whatever we are."_

" _They why—"_

" _Because Kurt wasn't…_ _ **it**_ _," she said. She took a deep breath, and another sip, then set her glass down on the table. Then she took his, which he hadn't even tasted yet, and set it next to hers. Her hands went to Elliot's chest, resting them there for a moment. "And because…" She wanted to explain without being overly emotional, or overly official. She'd concluded that she'd rather be with him in secret for the rest of her life than not be with him at all. But knowing that 'the rest of her life' was unrealistic, she still had a fear that caused her to be guarded. She had to choose her words carefully, as always. "Because…" she slid her hands up to Elliot's face and studied his sad eyes. She lost herself in them… in the contrast from his earlier rage and how gentle and despondent he looked now. His hands landed on her waist as he waited for her to finish her sentence. "Because I'm not ready to give this up," she said. "Not yet."_

 _Elliot leaned his forehead into hers and sighed a breath she could tell he was holding in. He relaxed a bit, but not completely. "I'm holding you back," he said, sadly._

 _She shook her head and shrugged. "From what?" she asked, knowing what he meant, but ignoring it. "I'm a career-driven woman and I'm great at my job. A job you make me even better at."_

 _He continued to stare at her sadly and she knew he was calling her bluff but wouldn't say it out loud._

" _Are_ _ **you**_ _ready to give this up?" she asked._

 _He huffed and closed his eyes for a second. "I don't think I could even if I tried."_

" _Okay then," Olivia said with a smirk._

 _Elliot nodded. "Okay."_

 _She kissed him, pushing him toward the couch as she flung her shirt over her head. Elliot turned them around so Olivia would end up below him on the couch and they discarded their clothes before they laid down. Elliot immediately covered her body with his and took her breast in his hand, squeezing and putting his mouth over her nipple, stroking it with his tongue. Olivia sighed at the pleasurable contact and arched herself into him, running her leg up and down his. She stretched up, reveling in the feeling and looked over to the TV, which was on mute. Gary Lesley was on the news with the NFL team Lincoln Haver was on._

 _She pushed at Elliot. "Hey wait."_

 _He looked up at her, confused. "What? You want to stop?"_

 _She continued to push him as she sat up and reached for the remote._

" _What are you doing?" Elliot asked._

 _She unmuted the TV. "It's Gary Lesley," she said, her eyes trained on the TV._

" _Lincoln Haver's conviction is a tragedy for his team," Lesley said. "But I hope Dewayne Fitzgerald here will be a great replacement. He's a hell of a quarterback with a great future. Hopefully Dewayne won't do anything to jeopardize that…" He turned to the new quarterback. "Just promise me that I won't catch you making out with your boyfriend in a restaurant bathroom."_

 _Olivia got up from the cough and started putting her clothes back on. "Gary said he didn't know Lincoln was gay until after the murder."_

 _Elliot followed suit when she said it and started putting his clothes back on. "Then how could he have caught him in the bathroom?"_


	16. Chapter 16

"It seemed like the next few weeks we just couldn't find time to spend together. He had obligations at home and work was nuts. We would find tiny moments when we could be alone, but they were few and far between and kept getting interrupted."

 _Olivia shoved Elliot against the wall in the storage closet, kissing him fiercely. Elliot pushed her jacket off._

" _The way you handled that perp just now?" Elliot said between kisses. "So fucking sexy."_

 _Olivia reached for his belt and slid the leather through the loop. "No time for chit chat," she said. She finished undoing his pants and slid them down, then palmed his erection a few times before lowering her own pants to the ground and turning around. He was on her as soon as her ass was available to him and his middle finger entered her from behind, causing her to groan._

" _Shh!" Elliot reminded her. He pumped his finger. "You're so fucking wet…"_

" _Uh huh," she managed to get out. "Ready for you… Elliot please… I need—"_

 _The next groan that left both of their chests came when their pagers started beeping._

" _Fuck!" Olivia said. Elliot left her core and stood aside while she checked the beeper. "Melinda has a hit on the DNA." She looked at Elliot's distraught face. She felt the same way, but she'd give him something to look forward to later. She pulled her pants up, then walked over to him. "It's okay," she said as she approached. She took his hand and brought it to her face, then slowly lowered her mouth over his middle finger, tasting herself on it, bobbing her head a few times and swirling her tongue around it._

" _Jesus…" Elliot cursed._

 _She let his finger go. "We'll find time later," she said. "Give me a three-minute head start and I'll meet you at the morgue." Then she left._

…

 _Later, on the way back to the precinct from a crime scene, Olivia noticed Elliot wasn't paying much attention to the clues she was putting together. He just stared ahead, watching the road in a daze._

" _Hey!" she said, snapping her fingers in front of his eyes to get his attention. "I'm solving a crime over here."_

" _Sorry," he said plainly._

" _Your head still in the gutter?" she smirked._

" _After that thing you did with my finger? My head will be in the gutter for weeks."_

 _Olivia snickered and looked back at the case file. "Men…" she said under her breath._

" _So, you never told me… Who was it that tied me?" Elliot asked with a sneer._

 _Olivia rolled her eyes. "I_ _ **did**_ _tell you that it's none of your business."_

" _Okay… so tell me who you've slept with from work and I'll narrow it down from there."_

 _She turned to him. "You're insane if you think I'm going to give you a list."_

" _It's enough for a list?!"_

" _Elliot…"_

" _Why won't you tell me? You embarrassed?" he asked._

" _No, I just don't want you to know."_

" _I know you've slept with Cassidy and Morton, but they're definitely not skilled enough to tie me. Same goes for Porter..."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes in response, but she couldn't deny it._

" _What other cops have you slept with? No one else who's been on our team, right? I can rule out Munch, Fin, Cragen, and Lake?"_

" _God yes," Olivia said. "Can I rule out Danny Beck?"_

 _Elliot looked over at her, surprised by the mention and he smirked with furrowed brows._

" _I mean, as long as we're listing people who have been on our team…" she said._

 _Elliot laughed. "Yeah. You can rule out Danny Beck," he said._

" _Just checking."_

 _Elliot's eyes went back to the road. "Who else? What other detectives?"_

 _Olivia remained silent and acted like she was reading something in the case file._

" _O'Neil?"_

" _Nope."_

" _Ed Green?"_

 _She looked up from the file. "Yes, and he was great, but not twelve orgasms great."_

 _She swore she heard a grunt from Elliot before he continued. "Please tell me you haven't fucked Tucker."_

 _She looked at him incredulously. "You kidding me?"_

" _Thank god. Mike Sandoval?"_

" _Ooo, no, but tell me where to sign up!"_

" _Okay, calm down… so… how about… Fuck, I don't know! What other cops are there?"_

" _Who said anything about it being a cop?"_

 _Elliot's eyes widened. "An attorney?"_

 _Shit. Why'd she say anything?_

 _She looked over warily at Elliot as he bit his lower lip, his eyes narrow in thought. "Hmm…" She was sure he was weeding through all the old, ugly, fat attorneys to find an acceptable one. And now that she_ __ _thought about it, the attractive male attorneys they work with are few. Her heart started racing as she realized he was going to figure it out._

 _His face was disbelieving when he said it._ _ **"Langhan?"**_

 _She probably looked like a deer in the headlights, her eyes wide and jaw agape, and before she knew it, her body was flying forward, restrained from hitting the dash by her seatbelt as the car came to a sudden halt._

"I knew it!" Amanda interrupted. "You told me you hadn't hooked up with Langhan!"

"Yeah, well, I lied," Olivia replied. "Anyway, back to the story…"

 _Olivia was shocked as Elliot pulled the car to the side and immediately stepped out of the vehicle, pacing several steps away rubbing his head in frustration. Olivia got out and followed. "El, calm down."_

" _LANGHAN?!" he yelled as he swung back around to face her. "You fucked LANGHAN?"_

 _He was out of line for being so angry. She leaned back on the car and crossed her arms. "Yeah, Elliot. I slept with Langhan. So, what?"_

" _So he's a fucking prick, Liv! That's what!"_

" _Some would say the same about you."_

 _He glared at her. "He's a piece of shit defense attorney who steps all over innocent victims!"_

 _She nodded her head. "Yeah, he is. And in a pinch, he's also good for an angry fuck."_

 _He placed his hands on his hips and shook his head. "I know you're experienced, Liv. I can accept that you've slept with the good guys. But LANGHAN? Trevor Langhan is NOT one of the good guys."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Tell me, Elliot… Is it always the_ _ **good**_ _ **girl**_ _you want?"_

" _What?"_

 _She stepped forward, slowly approaching him. "Sometimes you want me soft and slow, smooth and sweet…" She was face to face with him now, slid her hand up his chest. She spoke inches from his lips, her voice low. "But that's not usually the case, is it? Most of the time you want me hard, dirty, and bad…"_

 _Elliot cleared his throat. "What does that have to do with Langhan?"_

" _Elliot, sex with you and me can go either way, depending on our needs that day… But there have been times where I couldn't have you… so I would choose my companion for the night depending on those needs. Trevor came in handy for the nights I needed a bad boy… someone to unleash my anger."_

 _His features were still tight and flexed, but she could tell he was starting to understand. "And he made you cum TWELVE times?"_

 _Olivia shrugged her shoulders but didn't quite answer. She thinks the less he knew, the better, and needed to get his mind off Trevor. She took his face in her hands and brought him down to her for a kiss. "It's been too long since we've been able to get together," she said._

 _He nodded. "It's been harder to find the time lately."_

 _She rested her arms on his shoulders and linked her hands together behind his head. "And in that time, what have you been thinking about? What do you want to do to me?"_

 _Elliot's head jolted just slightly at the question, a small smile appearing soon after. "Honestly?"_

" _Yeah, tell me."_

" _Well..." he started, "ever since you took out that vibrator during sex a few weeks ago, I haven't been able to stop imagining you using it… by yourself."_

 _Olivia's lips curved slowly into a wide smile. She looked past his head to her wrist to check the time. "Let's head back to my place… we'll tell everyone at work we spent a little extra time at the scene, then ran into traffic… We could both use the release."_

 _When they got back to the apartment, Olivia had Elliot sit on the couch. "I'll be right back," she said. When she returned, she was completely naked with a hand behind her back._

 _Elliot's eyes were wide._

 _She sat on his lap, straddling him, and made sure his legs were spread far enough that she could reach down between them. "No touching unless I tell you. Even if I say your name out loud, I'm talking to the Elliot in my mind… Not you."_

 _He nodded. It was all he could do._

 _She brought the toy from behind her back. It was purple and shaped like a penis that had another protrusion. She knew by the look on his face that Elliot wasn't sure of the protrusion's purpose. She flipped a switch, it started to vibrate, and she slowly lowered it down with one hand, the other held onto Elliot's shoulder. As soon as the vibrator his Olivia's clit, her head tilted back and she let out a breathy sigh._

 _Elliot's breathing was getting harder already. "Tell me what you're thinking about," he said. His voice was quiet, and his timbre was low._

 _She couldn't help the breathiness in her voice when she responded. "You…" she said. "Your tongue… Fuck, you feel so good." She moved the toy, sliding it up and down over her clit rhythmically. "I'm sitting on your face, riding as you lick and suck… Fuck you're so good with your tongue." She started swirling her hips around on his lap. "Ooooh yes, Elliot! Don't stop!"_

" _You flip us over so I'm on my back, you're continuing to lick my clit over and overrr." Her other hand let go of his shoulder and reached behind her. "Then you put your fingers inside me. She reached back and fingered herself from behind, continuing her work in the front as well. "Oooh fuck!" she said, speeding up the swirl of her hips._

" _God, yes, Elliot…" She moved the vibrator to her opening and wasted no time entering it into her vagina, moaning as she pumped it in and out, still moving her hips back and forth over it._

" _Jesus fucking Christ…" she heard Elliot breathe out._

 _She moved the hand that she was fingering herself with back to his neck. A couple fingers were wet, but she was sure he wouldn't mind. She opened her eyes and looked down at him. "I imagine you pounding me… fffuck!... with your cock… harder and harder as we both get close… You slide your fingers down to my clit." She twisted the vibrator so that the extra appendage rubbed her clit. Elliot watched her movements below. Completely speechless. She took his face in her hand. "Elliot," she said. He looked up to see if she was talking to him or dream Elliot. She looked him directly in the eyes, so he would know for sure. "Touch yourself."_

 _He took a few seconds to register the sentence, then scrambled for his pants, releasing his rock-hard dick and immediately stroking himself. The sight turned her on even more and she was going to explode. His strokes were quick—he was already close. She threw her head back again and pumped the vibrator faster and harder. "Oh god!" she yelled. "Oh fuuuck!" She began convulsing in the way that only vibrator orgasms can cause. "Yes! Yes! Oh god, Elliot!" She fell forward onto Elliot's chest as it continued, her body thrashing slightly with each wave of pleasure. She held the vibrator on her clit and felt a warm fluid hit her stomach as Elliot groaned, leaning into her even more, releasing his own orgasm. Once her convulsions finally ceased, she dropped the toy. They stayed leaning on each other as they caught their breath._

 _Olivia pulled back to look at Elliot. "Time to go."_

 _He struggled to reach for her as she climbed off him and headed back to the bedroom to change. Before she was out of ears reach, she heard him mumble "you'll be the death of me, woman."_


	17. Chapter 17

_She went up to the cribs after Kathleen's trial and sat on the edge of a bed, her elbows resting on her knees as she exhaled. The whole week she'd been fighting for him, fighting for his family, his daughter… Even after she'd found out that he'd led her to believe for their entire partnership that his mother was dead. She understood how he would keep his mother's psychiatric illness from most people, but her?_

 _It hurt._

 _Elliot swung the door open. Neither partner said anything, he just walked in and sat on the bunk across from Olivia, mirroring her position._

 _Elliot linked his fingers together and found a spot on the ground to stare at. The way he was avoiding eye contact told Olivia he was trying to find the right words to say. She waited._

" _When I was kid, maybe eight years old, my mom made the impulsive decision to rent a cottage in Wildwood for the summer." Olivia wanted to tell him that this wasn't necessary, but she sensed that he needed to talk about it. Maybe he was taking her advice. She remained silent and listened. "One night, she told us she was leaving us… she was running around, babbling something about needing to be free… she went and found my dad's gun and held it to her head, threatening to kill herself. When I cried, she lifted the gun and shot as us. I… I couldn't understand how she could hate me so much that she wanted me dead…"_

" _Elliot…"_

" _It wasn't anything new, but it's the time I remember most vividly. After that, she left… wandered off into the woods and I had no idea if I'd ever see her again. My dad blamed me… said the stress of raising a kid drove her crazy. Used me as his punching bag."_

 _Olivia held back tears as he spoke, wanting so badly to hold him, love him, make up for the sins of his parents, but she didn't want to make him uncomfortable while he was being more vulnerable than ever before._

" _Even as my dad would hit me, or drink, or both… I blamed her. If she hadn't left, if she hadn't made his life harder, maybe he wouldn't have been so angry." He sniffed a tearless sniff and rubbed his nose. "Anyway… That's why I never talked about her… And why I couldn't accept it when they diagnosed Kathleen…" Elliot finally looked up from the floor. "I'm sorry I lied to you."_

 _She bobbed her head. "Did you think I wouldn't understand? That I'd think differently of you?"_

" _No… It's not that… It's just a shitty topic, that's all."_

 _Olivia walked over to him and took his head in her hands as she stood above him. "Thank you for telling me."_

" _Thank_ _ **you**_ _for… everything. All you did this week… You didn't have to do it."_

 _Olivia shook her head slightly. "I wanted to. I care about your family, El."_

" _Sometimes I feel like you work harder for my family than I do."_

 _Olivia chucked. "Someone has to do the work while you torture yourself."_

 _He smiled as he looked up at her. "You went to see my mom."_

 _Olivia smiled at him, shrugged innocently._

" _I love you," he said._

 _Her smile faded into something a little more serious as her heart fluttered at his words. She leaned down and kissed him softly, then took a moment and just looked at him before she remembered that his family was probably right downstairs. "Go… You need to get home."_

 _Elliot took one of her hands in his. "I want to stay with you tonight."_

 _Her thumb gently stroked his jaw. As much as she hated it, he needed to be with them tonight. "You can't… You need to be with your family, El. Help Kathy understand the terms of Kathleen's deal and figure some things out about what facility she'll do best in."_

 _He was quiet for a beat. "I've been so focused on Kathleen that I haven't…" he exhaled. "I miss you," he whispered._

" _Me too."_

" _Can I just… sit here for a minute? With you?"_

 _She glanced toward the door, her anxiety increasing with their current closeness and his family in the building. "El…"_

" _I know, I know." He stood, taking her waist in his hand as he pulled her forward, but she stopped him, putting her hands on his chest and pushing backwards. He looked at her, confused. "What's wrong?"_

" _Nothing, I just…" she looked towards the door again. "I was just sitting next to Kathy, El. She commented on my perfume… I don't want you to go home smelling like me."_

 _Elliot sighed. "Fine." He leaned over, dramatically putting space between them as he pecked her lips. "Goodnight Detective McAnxious."_

 _Olivia laughed and pushed him toward the door. "Goodnight, Idiot."_

"I gave him a week to get everything settled with the family, but I started to crave him. I was sexually pent up and I missed him. Our alone time together was getting more and more infrequent and it had been so long since we were really… _wild_ in bed. I started to wonder if it was because I told him about Sealview, but I thought I'd just try and get rougher with him the next time we had sex. We found a couple hours to get away during a case involving an astronaut, and Elliot's astronaut friend was helping us."

 _Their clothes were gone the minute he walked into the hotel room._

" _What's with the change in scenery?" Elliot asked as he took her pert nipple into his mouth and slid his finger over her clit._

" _Ahh… just thought we could use a little escape from the norm," she said, her breath heavy. She took his face in her hands and pulled him up. "Enough foreplay, I need you to fuck me." She got to the hotel before him and had already made herself cum twice. She needed the real deal._

 _She moaned as he entered her and set a steady pace. She pulled him toward her with her hands on his ass. "Faster," she begged. "Harder." His speed increased, just barely. She got fed up, rolled them over so she could take control. She slid onto him and rode him hard and fast as he grunted and groaned, but it only lasted a moment, because soon he was flipping them again and she was on her back, but before he could enter her again, she turned onto her stomach. "Like this," she said._

 _He complied, entering her from behind. "Harder." But instead of thrusting into her with more force, he sped up a little and tucked his arm between her and the bed, finding her clit to rub her as he thrusted. She loved the sensations, but it wasn't what she wanted right now. She wanted dirt, filth, hard, rough. "More, El, please!"_

 _She knew an orgasm was on its way, but it wouldn't be as strong as it could be. It rose, and she tried to stop it, let it build more, but his hand kept rubbing her vigorously, and she came as his juices released into her. He collapsed on top of her and she couldn't help but roll her eyes. She knew what he was capable of, what he wanted. But he was holding back._

 _Elliot rolled to the side and laid on his back next to her. He was avoiding eye contact. He sighed and rubbed his hand down his face._

 _Olivia frowned. "What's wrong?"_

 _He rested his hands on his chest as he looked at the ceiling. "You know, you don't have to flirt back with him."_

" _Who? Finley?" If she had flirted, she didn't mean to. Dick Finley was a good-looking successful older man—someone she'd normally be attracted to, but he was Elliot's mentor and friend. She still dated other men, but Dick was understandably off-limits._

" _Yeah, he's a player… gets around. I saw you giving him those looks."_

 _She honestly didn't know she was doing it, if she was. "Are you sure you weren't reading into things?" she asked. "If I looked at him a certain way, I didn't mean to."_

 _Elliot closed his eyes. "Whatever."_

 _She pushed up and rested on her elbows. "What is this about, Elliot?"_

 _He exhaled sharply a few times. "Look, it's not you. It was him. He just… made some comments. Checked you out. I look up to this guy more than anyone and it was all I could do not to punch him and yell at you to stop bending over."_

 _Olivia bit her lip. "So… I guess this is a bad time to tell you that I'm going to some marine corps function with him tonight?"_

 _Elliot's eyes widened. "WHAT?"_

" _I didn't know it was a date when I agreed!" she said quickly. "I even asked if you would be coming with us too. It was a little awkward, actually."_

" _Jesus, Liv… He's trying to get you naked!"_

 _She laughed lightly and turned her body toward him, then pulled at him to turn toward her. When he reluctantly complied, she scooted to him and pressed her body against his. She rubbed his nose with her own. "But look who actually has me naked."_

 _He sighed, then kissed her gently. "I miss this… just laying with you in bed."_

 _It made her heart ache. She missed it too. So much. "Me too."_

" _I don't like that you're going with him."_

 _She kissed him again. "It's innocent. At least on my end. Okay?"_

" _I don't know…"_

 _She held onto the back of his neck to keep their faces close. "El, stop worrying. I'll be thinking about you the whole time… I don't want anything from Finley."_

 _He kissed her again. "Swear?"_

 _She nodded. "I'll be thinking of these lips." She kissed him. "These arms," she scaled her hand down to his bicep, kissed him again. "How much I miss laying here with my breasts pressed against your chest."_

" _I love that," Elliot confirmed, his hand sliding up her waist, then taking a handful of her breast._

" _I'll be wet just thinking about how hard you are against my stomach right now," she whispered._

 _She lifted her top leg and hooked it over Elliot's hip, then slid her hand down to grasp his erection. She lined him up with her entrance, then put her hand back on Elliot's neck to steady herself. "How good you feel slipping inside me."_

 _Elliot pushed his hips forward and slid into her wet center as they groaned._

"Did Finley try anything when you went out?" Amanda asked.

"He never got the chance. Elliot figured out that he was the murderer, went to his hotel, beat the crap out of him, and arrested him."

"Holy hell."

 _She drove up to the hotel in her blue silk dress and immediately knew something was wrong when she saw the police car at the entrance. She stepped out of the cab and saw her partner close the door to the police car. Shit, she thought. What the hell happened?_

" _Elliot!" she called out. He turned and saw her, she took in his appearance. His face and neck reddened on the right like he'd been in a fight. "Is everything okay?"_

 _Elliot looked distraught. "No," he answered quietly._

 _She walked up to him, took his face in her hand and turned it so she could see the damage. "God, Elliot, who did this?"_

 _He was still in a trance of sorts. He was devastated when he said it. "Dick." Olivia's eyes widened and he continued. "He raped and murdered Marga. It was his prints on the necklace. I found the hat in his hotel. He confessed."_

 _Olivia was stunned. "And he ran point on our case… oh my god."_

 _Elliot nodded._

" _El, I'm so sorry… I don't know what to say." Olivia stepped forward again and was about to embrace him when she remembered they were in public. "Where's your car? I'll drive you back to the precinct." This meant a lot of paperwork they didn't see coming._

 _Elliot shook his head after a beat, then silently walked to the car, handing his keys to Olivia along the way. They got in and shut the doors, then sat in silence as she drove._

" _How could I have missed this?" Elliot wondered aloud._

 _Olivia grabbed Elliot's hand and squeezed gently. "Neither of us did. No one wants to think the worst of a hero."_

 _Olivia parked the car at the precinct and pressed her lips together. "I, um… I'm feeling this overwhelming need to hold you and make you feel better, but I don't see how that's possible right now." It was a rare time that the secrecy of their intimate relationship truly bothered her._

 _He let a small smirk appear on his lips. He rubbed her hand with his thumb. "I have to go home tonight. I promised Dickie, but…"_

" _Soon," she finished the sentence for him. "I know."_

"I really started to miss him and hate our situation," Olivia explained. "It had been working for me up to that point, but I needed him more. Our relationship was getting too relationshippy without any commitment or expectations. It was how I wanted it at one point but now it was getting more difficult. Maybe it developed with age, I don't know."

"Did you tell him that?" Amanda asked.

She glared at her with a smirk. "I'm the most walled-up, guarded person in the world. What do you think?" she joked. "Instead of telling him anything, tried to save his marriage again."


	18. Chapter 18

"Elliot went undercover suddenly once to bust an animal trafficking ring. Kathy had called several times, and Elliot didn't get a chance to tell her what was going on before he went under, so I went to their house and explained what was going on. Kathy started packing her bags. She was furious and hurt. I had to convince her not to leave."

"Wow," Amanda said. "You're a good woman."

She smiled. "Elliot didn't see it that way."

 _She knocked on the door to his undercover home. She knew it was dangerous, but they'd lost touch with him and he was her partner. She'd be damned if she didn't know what was going on with him._

 _He answered the door in his boxer briefs and pulled her in immediately. "Are you crazy? They could have somebody watching the place."_

" _Elliot, we lost contact with you. I had to come. Why aren't you answering the cell phone we gave you?"_

 _He locked the door behind them. "Because they took it along with my wallet. There was nothing I could do about it."_

 _Olivia dug into her purse. "Okay, so take mine and hide it somewhere. That way I'll tell Cragen that you have it."_

" _Tell Kathy, too."_

" _I just saw her."_

" _She mad?"_

" _She's worse than mad and I can't say that I blame her."_

 _He rubbed his face. "Well, Liv, what the hell am I supposed to do? Tell the bad guys I gotta get home for diaper duty?"_

" _You go undercover again and don't tell Kathy, you'll be safer here than home. Call. Her."_

 _Elliot shook his head with his hand on his hip._

 _Olivia continued. "She was packing bags in tears, Elliot."_

 _His face turned to Olivia, his eyes narrowed. "Wait. You went to the house? She didn't show up at the precinct?"_

" _Yeah… Why?"_

" _What the hell are you doin' going to Kathy at my house, Liv?"_

 _She was shocked. What the hell just happened? "I was saving your marriage, Elliot! Doing your job for you! She was hell bent on leaving you and I stopped her!"_

" _Let her leave!" Elliot yelled. "It's MY marriage! Not yours!"_

" _Are you kidding me right now?"_

" _Why you tryin' to save my marriage, Liv? Why are you_ _ **always**_ _trying to save my marriage?"_

"We were interrupted by Bushido and I had to hide, then act like a prostitute," Olivia explained.

"Naturally," Amanda joked.

"Then Elliot got shot."

"I was wondering when the next shooting was going to come up."

"I was terrified. He wasn't responding to me on scene, then we rushed him to the hospital and he was asking to leave with the next couple hours."

 _Olivia opened the door to his hospital room. "You're supposed to duck," she said._

 _Elliot smiled. "You were supposed to leave."_

" _Well, when my partner hangs around scumbags I like to stick around and see what happens_

 _She sat on the end of the bed facing him. They both took each other in for a moment, knowing they needed to talk about their earlier fight._

" _Liv…" Elliot started. "Lately I've felt like you're working harder to save my marriage than I am."_

 _Olivia thought carefully. "I guess I didn't know you'd given up on fighting for it. I was doing what I thought you'd want."_

 _He nodded. "I know. You're right. I'm sorry. I was being a dick."_

 _She nodded with him. "No argument there."_

" _And I haven't given up on me and Kathy… I guess it's just strange to have… you… there at my house… defending my marriage."_

" _Sure, I can see how that would be a little weird," Olivia smirked. "For the record I wasn't there as your… whatever I am to you… I was there as your friend who cares about you and the life you've worked hard to build."_

" _I know. Thanks, Liv."_

 _She smiled. "You're welcome."_

" _Now why don't you go shut those blinds so I can show you how much better I'm feeling…"_

" _Oooh no," she laughed. "You need to rest, Elliot. And I need to get back to work. We're about to pay a visit to Bushido and Tybor."_

"Jesus," Amanda noted. "I was hoping for some hospital sex. You both need to get laid at this point in the story. Did you ever get back to it?"

"Oh yeah, in full swing. But not before I slept with Laghan again."

"Ohh shit."

"A domestic violence case. The perp got out on bail, the victim left the shelter I found for her, went back to her husband _after_ filing charges against him…"

"Fuck," Amanda said. "That's a recipe for another beating."

Olivia nodded. "In this case, it was a recipe for murder."

 _Olivia stormed up the steps of Langhan's Brownstone apartment and banged as loudly as she could on the door. "Answer the door, Trevor!"_

 _He appeared, and by the look he gave her through the window, he knew why she was there. "Olivia…" he started to say as he opened the door._

" _Are you happy now?" Olivia asked. "Mia is dead because YOU helped her abusive husband get her back in his house! Is that what you wanted?"_

" _Of course not, I—"_

" _You KNEW he was guilty! You knew that she was in danger and you still represented him. Hell, you did more than represent him! You put his target right in the line of fire and dangled her like bait!"_

" _Look, Liv—"_

" _Is it worth it?" she asked, cutting him off again. "Is it worth getting a woman killed as long as you have your big Brownstone apartment and designer suits?"_

" _Liv, I'm sorry about Mia. I had no idea he was going to kill her."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes and scoffed at him. "He's an abuser who was escalating, Trevor! What the fuck did you expect?"_

" _What do you want me to do, Liv? I can't change this. I can't bring her back to life… I hate what happened and I'm sorry that my client is a prick, but I can't do anything about Mia's death! So please, tell me, what do you want me to do?"_

 _Olivia's anger continued to fume as she watched him. She didn't know why she went to his place, why she thought yelling at him would help. She needed something else._

 _Trevor stepped out and approached her, leaving about a foot between them. His voice lowered, and she noted that his expression had also changed. "Or is it what you want to do to me?" he asked. He stepped in again, leaving no room between them. "You here to take it out on me, Liv?"_

 _Yes. But she knows she shouldn't. It would hurt Elliot if he ever found out._

 _But damn if she didn't want Langhan right now._

 _Olivia pushed Langhan back until he hit the doorpost with an "umph!"_

" _Make it hurt," she growled._

…

 _She was nervous the next day, shifting uncomfortably across from Elliot. Normally, she wouldn't have a problem keeping her other trysts from Elliot, but a bite mark on the back of her shoulder would need an explanation if he saw it, and it had been itching all day. She breathed a little deeper as she remembered riding Langhan in reverse, facing away from him on his stairs, pounding her ass into his lap as he fondled her breasts from behind and bit her shoulder. Not to mention her thighs were sore as hell. He was sexy and rough and scratched that itch she'd been needing from Elliot._

 _She reached back to scratch the wound._

" _Got a bug bite or something?" Elliot asked. "You've rubbed that spot like ten times today."_

" _Uh, yeah I guess. Something like that," she said, acting like it was no big deal. She closed a file on her desk. "I need to go find out what kind of involvement Judge Donnelly has with this case. It doesn't make any sense."_

 _Then she saw Langhan walk through the door with Kim Graelik, shaking her hand. He walked away confidently through the precinct, and Olivia was annoyed with herself for having something to do with that boosted confidence._

" _Detectives," Langhan greeted the room, with not much reply other than Munch's 'humph'. He continued to walk past Elliot's desk, then met Olivia's eyes. "Liv," he said, more quietly. Then as he went to pass her, he subtly slid his hand up her arm, then squeezed her shoulder right where he bit her the night before, causing Olivia to press her lips together and wince slightly. Two seconds later, Langhan was gone, and Olivia warily rose her eyes to see that Elliot's were wild above his red cheeks._

" _Cribs. Now." Elliot demanded, then he stormed up the stairs._

 _Olivia sat for a few more moments at her desk, eyes closed. Here they go again. Yes, she knew it would hurt him, but that knowledge didn't stifle her sexual desire, and Langhan or not, he still technically had no right to get angry over anyone she was sleeping with. She took a deep breath and followed her angry partner._

" _You summoned?" Olivia said sarcastically as she entered the cribs. Elliot was standing there, waiting, his arms across his chest._

" _What the hell was that, Olivia?"_

" _Elliot, you know that he and I hook up sometimes. I've told you that." She decided it wasn't worth brushing around the issue. She'd just lay it out there and get this over with._

 _He marched toward her. "Turn around," he said._

" _What?"_

" _Turn. Around."_

 _She crossed her arms and turned, then felt Elliot roughly jerk the collar of her shirt over to see whatever it was she'd been scratching all day._

 _He let go, then headed for the door. "I'm gonna fucking kill him."_

 _Olivia darted in front of him and stopped him with her arm before he got to the door. "No, you're not, Elliot. I instigated sex with Trevor last night, okay? If you're going to be pissed, it should be at me."_

" _You did_ _ **not**_ _instigate THAT," Elliot said, pointing to the bite mark on her shoulder._

 _She looked at him like he was crazy. "Why, Elliot?! You_ _ **know**_ _I like it rough! You know that but you've been treating me like a goddam porcelain doll since Sealview! Every time I tell you I need it harder and you don't care! So maybe I just needed someone who didn't know what happened and wouldn't treat me like a victim!"_

" _I do_ _ **not**_ _treat you like a victim, Liv!"_

" _On a day to day basis, no you don't. But in bed, you absolutely do! Before I told you what happened you had no problem being rough with me."_

" _So it's MY fault that you fucked Langhan last night?"_

" _No, Elliot. It's not your fault. There is no fault! No one did anything wrong! I went to his place because I was pissed that Mia died, then I got worked up and I hadn't had rough sex in a while so… I did."_

" _Well excuse me if I don't want to trigger you and I want to be a little more gentle. Sometimes I want to make love to you, Liv._

" _Yeah, I get that. And sometimes that's what I want to… but you're not seriously telling me that you haven't wanted to fuck the hell out of me in the last 6 months, Elliot. I don't believe that."_

 _He didn't respond, so she continued. "Sometimes I need_ __ _you to_ _ **actually**_ _fuck me hard when I say 'harder,' pull my hair, grab me,_ _ **bite me.**_ _Fuck me like I know you want to! Did you give me twelve orgasms that night by 'making love to me?' No. My the twelfth time I was in pain, sore, and screaming in pleasure."_

 _Elliot's jaw twitched as he soaked up her words. "I have to go."_

 _Olivia's eyes just rolled as he left her in the cribs._

…

 _She buzzed him up and opened the door, prepared herself for another fight. Sometimes it felt like that's all they ever did. She sighed as she walked back to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine._

 _The door slammed before she even saw him standing there._

 _His words were low and dark, sending electricity straight to her core._

" _Take off your clothes."_


	19. Chapter 19

**I mean, I had to make you wait at least _one_ night... ;)**

* * *

 _Olivia's eyebrows raised. "What?"_

 _Elliot locked the deadbolt on the door then turned back to her. "I said… Take. Off. Your goddam clothes, Olivia."_

 _There was fire in his eyes, and excitement consumed her just from the anticipation of what he planned to do to her._

 _She moved slowly, her belt first, then her pants. Elliot stood there and watched as she stripped. She went for her panties._

" _I'll take care of those," he said._

 _She gave him a sexy half-smile, then pulled her shirt over her head._

 _He undid his tie as he walked towards her._

" _Get on the table."_

 _Fuck, his demands were killing her already. She walked the two steps to the kitchen table and slid back onto it, leaning onto her elbows and opening her legs for him as he approached. He grabbed both of her breasts to pull himself into her, breathing deeply as he pressed his face into her them, kissing his way down quickly until he got to her silk-covered center. He buried his face into her and immediately started lapping her up through her panties. Olivia moaned, throwing her head back and wrapping a leg around his shoulder. His hands continued to manipulate her breasts, pushing under her bra to grasp at her flesh._

 _One hand left its position and traveled down to meet his mouth, and in one swift, painful motion, Elliot grabbed the material at her crotch and used all of his strength to rip Olivia's panties off._

" _FUCKING HELL— OH GOD!" Olivia couldn't even finish one curse before the next left her mouth, the pain of the material being ripped off her hips was followed by Elliot's mouth, tongue, and teeth all over her needy core. Elliot took the leg that wasn't around his neck and pressed it back, opening her up more so he could run his tongue from her anus to her clit over and over and over._

 _Then he was eating her ass. He was mother fucking eating her ass and she'd never let anyone just stop there at her anus and devour it like he was but she's in ecstasy, and she doesn't want him to stop. He penetrated her pussy then with two fingers, slamming them inside her and she found herself holding his head, grinding against him._

 _He moved his mouth back to her clit and nibbled, sucked and licked her over and over and "Elliot! Oh, god I'm coming!" It was happening already. He didn't let up. He was licking her relentlessly as she pulsated around his fingers but then his fingers moved. And instead of grazing light pressure over her anus, he enters it._

" _JESUS CHRIST!" Olivia yelled out, her body involuntarily stiffening at the surprise sensation. "Don't stop!" She was coming again, the second time in twenty seconds and he's fingering her ass, she's feeling sensations she'd never felt before. "Yes! Fuck, Elliot!"_

 _Before she could even think about coming down from her high he flipped her body over, leaning her over the table and he's inside her, pounding her pussy with his cock and she couldn't fucking breathe, but air was the last thing she cared about. He pulled on her hair then, forcing her to stand up straighter as he pounded into her and his breath is heavy on her ear._

" _You're so fucking wet… dripping."_

 _She moaned loudly. "God Elliot…" she said, then paused to breathe. "Your cock… You feel so good."_

 _He unclasped her bra then and she let it fall to the ground. Then he licked her ear, down to her neck, then to her shoulder, right where that bite mark was. He opened his mouth over it, warm, moist lips covering the bite, then she yelled out as he sunk his teeth into her skin over the same spot, and he sucked as he bit, reclaiming her body for himself. His teeth let up, but he still sucked on the spot, taking up any blood he drew into his mouth. He pulled her hair harder and his other hand came up to knead her breast and pinch her hard nipple. "Mine's bigger," he groaned into her ear, referring to the bite, but the innuendo made them both laugh for a second._

 _She pressed her hands against the table in front of her and pushed her ass back against him, meeting him as he thrusted against her. She felt like it was the first time since he walked in tonight that she was caught up to his pace._

" _Cum again, Liv. Cum on my cock."_

 _She shook her head. "Not there yet."_

 _He pushed her forward on the table and disconnected from her. *SLAP!* She squealed when he did it, and she knew his handprint would be on her ass for a while. He turned her around and shoved her against the wall. His pants were off. She didn't know when he removed them, but his shirt was still on. She started undoing the buttons as Elliot tackled Olivia's neck, kissing, licking, and sucking, and once his shirt hit the ground, Olivia reached for his dick and hooked her leg around his hip to bring him to her entrance, but he swatted her away, then grabbed his cock and lined the head of it up with her clit. He used it to rub her with his cock vigorously, his free hand at Olivia's neck, holding her forehead against his as she took in the sensations, her mouth open, but no sound leaving it. Up and down, circles, side to side… he was hard and rough and masturbating her pussy with his cock at lightning speed and it was so erotic that Olivia felt another orgasm building in seconds, and as soon as she came, his dick was inside her again, pounding her at an angle that continued to rub against her clit and she screamed his name._

" _Elliot! Oh god, Elliot! Fuck! Yes!"_

 _Her legs were weakening under the orgasmic pulsations flowing through her and she held onto his shoulders to keep herself up. When the orgasm died down it was too much for her sensitive clit so she pushed him back roughly onto the table._

" _Scoot back," she demanded. He complied but grabbed her by the hips to bring her closer first. She climbed onto the table above him, unsure whether it could hold both their weight, but she didn't care at the time. She slid easily onto him, her knees hurting on the hard surface beneath them as she bounced up and down on his hard dick, letting it stimulate her g-spot and give her clit a moment to recover. She looked down as his hands roamed her body and she could tell he was holding back. She leaned forward and kept her hips above him so he would have room to slam himself up into her and she whispered into his ear. "Fuck me." His hips thrusted up and fucked into her. "Ohh god yes," she moaned. His pace was rapid and his thrusts hard. "Fuck, you feel so good." She was urging him, turning him on even more with her words. "You make me so wet… Oohh shit… Cum inside me, El. I need to feel you coming inside of me."_

 _He was grunting, groaning as he pounded into her and he held onto her as their bodies started to turn. He slammed her pelvis, and she could feel that her body wasn't meeting table she he thrusted their bodies to the side and they were falling to the ground, but one arm held Olivia's body to his and the other arm broke their fall, so when they landed it just felt like one, big, painful thrust and he didn't stop then… pounding her harder and harder until she realized her head was hitting the leg of the table and she pushed back on it, screaming as yet another orgasm was consuming her at the same time Elliot's warm fluids shot into her, filling her completely with his final, strong loud movements._

 _He collapsed on top of her sweaty body, both breathing rapidly, searching for their breath. She looked down when she felt his head lift from her chest. When their mutual smiles met, they both burst into laughter and Elliot scooted up to her face to kiss her lips, then rest his forehead on hers, still finding a steady breathing pace._

 _Olivia brought her hands to his head and kissed him again. "You're amazing," she whispered._

 _Elliot rolled off onto the floor next to her and they turned their bodies toward one another. He closed his eyes and sighed, like he had finally let go of something he was holding onto._

 _She lazily grazed her hand over his face. "I'm sorry I didn't say something to you sooner..." she said. "I just… didn't know how."_

 _He opened his eyes and held his hand over hers on his jaw. He kissed her palm. He shook his head. "You've been telling me you wanted more. I should have listened. I just wasn't sure, after…"_

" _I know." God, she loved him. Every fiber of her being wanted to say it. But her self-preservation was apparently stronger than all those fibers. She rolled onto him, then, and straddled him as she pulled him up to a sitting position. She held him close, placed small, soft kisses on his neck, then his lips. She took his face in her hands and stared at him. Her voice was soft, warm, and sincere._

" _Make love to me this time, Elliot."_


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20?! This is the longest fic I've written! I guess the last chapter might be a better "celebration" for the milestone, but for the 20** **th** **chapter, enjoy some angst, drunkenness, lesbian teasing, bathroom sex, and foreshadowing. :)**

* * *

"I remember one moment I really freaked out, when, just as I thought I couldn't be more in love with this man, he went and proved me wrong," Olivia told Amanda. "It was during a case involving a young transgender girl whose dad couldn't accept her transition."

 _Elliot sat next to Hayley in the most attentive way, giving her his attention, meeting her eye level. It allowed Hayley the space to be open and vulnerable._

" _What would you have done?" Hayley cried. "If your son came home in a dress? Would you still love him?"_

 _His answer was honest, sincere, and beautiful. "I would try to understand," Elliot said softly. "It'd probably be very hard, I'd make a lot of mistakes." He made sure Hayley's eyes were focused on his when his next words left his mouth. "I'd never stop loving him."_

 _Hayley tearfully agreed to testify and the detectives left the house to drive back to the precinct. They were both quiet in the car. Olivia's throat felt like it was closing as she held back tears. Her mind was spinning with love and fear. She didn't know what to do with it._

" _You okay?" Elliot asked._

" _Ahh… I don't know," Olivia confessed. Maybe she needed some air. "Can you pull the car over?"_

" _Yeah, 'course," he said as he turned the wheel and pulled over on the deserted highway._

 _Olivia got out of the car and leaned up against it as she focused on not crying. She breathed deeply. In and out. Slowly. She couldn't help a tear that escaped from one eye and she was pissed that Elliot walked up to her just as it fell. She flicked it away and veered her eyes. "Sorry," she said. "I'm fine."_

 _Elliot stood in front of her, his eyes full of concern, clearly not buying it. "What's wrong?"_

 _She knew she needed to tell him something, but she couldn't admit she was freaking out over how much she was feeling for him. "That was just… You were so good with her, Elliot," she said. "She really needed you and…" she started to get choked up, her words getting higher in pitch, but softer in volume. She met his eyes. "I don't think I've ever been more attracted to you."_

 _His response wasn't cocky or snarky, which told her that he was unfortunately reading her thoughts. She didn't get that part of him. The gentle, loving, doting father. The guy who goes home and spends time with his kids and leads them and teaches them to be decent people. She missed out on all the moments she just got to witness, only catching glimpses here and there on the job._

 _No. He wasn't snarky, he was sad. Sad for her. And that just made her want to cry more. She didn't need his pity._

 _Elliot closed his eyes and exhaled, leaning on his arm against the car. He looked around at their surroundings while he found his words. "You have no idea how quickly I'd leave her if it weren't for the kids," he said._

 _Olivia shook her head. "Don't, Elliot. That's not what I..." It was a lie, but it was one she constantly had to tell herself. "That's not what I want…"_

 _She wasn't sure who she was kidding. Hopefully him._

 _He took another moment to gather his thoughts. "I'm holding you back."_

 _She flicked another tear and rolled her eyes. "God, stop, Elliot. I date other men! You're not holding me back from anything!"_

" _You date, but it never goes anywhere!"_

" _Like you would want it to?"_

" _Exactly."_

 _She realized what he was trying to say. And he was right. Her relationships never went anywhere because Elliot was jealous, condescending, or… just…_ _ **there.**_ _He's the measuring stick she lines all of her men up to._ _She's said it before and it was true: she'll never meet anyone while he was in her life. But this was about her love for him, not her lack of love outside of him. He thinks she just wants kids and a father to love on them… He didn't understand that she desperately wanted that father to be him._

 _She watched him, her eyes darting back and forth between his. "So, what are you saying?" she asked. And she tried to keep her eyes from begging him not to leave her. She couldn't take it._

 _His hands were on his hips, his eyes to the ground as he shook his head. "I don't know what I'm saying. I… just want you to be happy, Liv. And I don't want to get in the way of your happiness… A husband… kids…"_

" _I don't care about getting married, El, you know that."_

" _But you want kids."_

 _She paused. Nodded. "Yeah, I do... One day… But that's not what this is about."_

" _No?"_

" _No…" She sighed. "I just needed some air. I'm okay."_

" _You're sure?"_

 _She nodded her head._

 _They got back in the car and started driving. They were barely back on the road before Elliot spoke up._

" _Do I... I know I should be more supportive of your dating life."_

" _El—"_

" _No, I mean it. It's not fair of me to be so possessive and jealous when you could be in a happy relationship. I'll… try to do better."_

 _She let out an amused huff. "That's not what that was about, Elliot… But I'll believe it when I see it."_

" _As long as it's not with Langhan," Elliot added._

" _Oh, so you'll only be more supportive if you_ _ **approve**_ _of my dates. I see," she smirked._

"About a week later, Alex Cabot came back and we all went to the bar to catch up. Alex brought some stuff up from years and years before. At first, I was annoyed that she let it slip, but I saw how it was affecting Elliot, so I decided to screw with him a little."

 _They were drunk, she had to admit it. It didn't happen that often anymore, but Alex coming back to SVU was a perfect excuse to have a few too many. It was a wonderful night of laughter and reminiscing, telling story after story of drunken nights in that same bar._

" _God, Liv," Alex said. "We are not thirty anymore."_

 _Olivia laughed. "No, we're not. My massive hangover tomorrow will prove that."_

" _Do you remember the last time we were_ _ **this**_ _drunk?" Alex asked._

" _Christmas party 2006!" Munch exclaimed. "You two and Fin were going to the bar across the street to do shots when they cut you off here!"_

 _The memory made Olivia chuckle. "And we woke up on a train to Washington D.C.!"_

" _What? I don't remember that!" Elliot said._

" _Because we never told anyone!" Fin replied._

" _That_ _ **was**_ _one of my favorite work parties," Alex continued. "But we were probably even drunker when both of us went home with that marine, Jake, and had a threesome."_

 _Olivia would have screamed at Alex if she could have, but she was frozen in place with her jaw hung open. It was a similar face the rest of the SVU crew was giving her. Every single person there was wide-eyed and jaw-dropped except for Alex, who was cracking herself up._

" _Oh god." Olivia dropped her flushed face into her hands_

" _But we also had that night in Atlantic City where our dates racked up over $300 in drinks!" Alex continued._

" _Woooah woah woah," Munch finally said, jumping in before Alex could change the topic too much. "Let's go back to this threesome."_

 _Olivia's hands were still covering her face. "Let's not," she said._

" _When the hell was this?" Fin asked._

" _I'm pretty curious about that myself," Elliot said._

 _Olivia shoots Elliot a look. "It's none of ANY of your business!" she said._

" _It was yeeears ago! Maybe 2004, 2005? Right Liv?" Alex said._

" _Oh my god, Alex, stop talking!" Olivia begs. "Maybe we should cut you off…"_

 _She moves to take Alex's drink when Elliot stops her, placing his hand on her arm. "Now wait a minute," Elliot says. "We should all have a rational, adult conversation about this." She can tell he's drunk too, because she doesn't think he'd normally be so forward about any part of her sex life in front of other people._

" _Yeah, an adult conversation about every detail of this alleged night!" Munch jokes._

" _Not happening!" Olivia says._

" _How did you two even decide this would go down?" Fin asks._

 _Olivia looks over at Alex, who shrugs her shoulders, clearly not caring one bit about detailing this private night they had years ago. Olivia was feeling the buzz of her liquor and sees darkness in Elliot's eyes._

" _We had talked about it before," Olivia says. "About how we'd be game to have sex with each other if a threesome opportunity ever presented itself… And it did."_

 _She watched as the three men turned to each other and silently agreed that their dreams were coming true before turning back to the women._

" _So, it wasn't even all about this marine… you two… did stuff to each other?" Munch asked._

" _Of course!" Alex said. She gestured toward Olivia. "Look at this body!"_

 _Olivia continued now that she was having fun getting the boys all riled up. "Yeah, what fun is it to play with the old toy when you have something new?"_

" _It was fantastic!" Alex said._

 _Olivia nodded and sipped her drink. When she put her hands back down, she felt Elliot's hand graze hers. She looked over curiously but he was focusing his attention to Alex, who was talking. Picking up on his discretion, she allowed him to take her hand while she also diverted her attention to Alex. She'd normally never hold his hand in public, it was too dangerous._

 _But alcohol._

 _However, instead of holding Olivia's hand, he kept pulling it toward him until it landed on his bulging, hard penis. She smiled, pressing her lips together as she breathed a little deeper. He was so turned on by this conversation. There was no way he could even stand right now without everyone seeing his boner._

 _She removed her hand, then started thinking of ways she could screw with him even more… see how long it took before he excused himself to take care of it in the bathroom._

" _What was your favorite part of that night, Alex?" Olivia asked._

 _Alex thought for a second. "Maybe sucking your tits," she answered. "They feel so good. But you were also surprisingly good at fingering me… especially for someone who'd never been with a woman before."_

" _Who said I hadn't?"_

 _She heard Elliot groan and Fin looked like he'd had the wind knocked out of him. Olivia continued. "I think my favorite part was when Jake was fucking me from behind and you were eating me out from the front."_

" _Jesus Christ!" Elliot cursed. His hands were in his lap and she could tell he was shifting to relieve some discomfort."_

" _But you're also an amazing kisser," Olivia continued._

 _Alex caught the glint in Olivia's eyes and smiled. "Right back at ya," Alex said. "Should we show them?"_

" _Yes, yes, please say yes," Much begged._

 _Olivia stood with Alex and faced her, slowly and seductively letting her hands slide up her arms until they reached her face. She knew she was going to regret this tomorrow, but she couldn't stop now. She was having too much fun. Alex also let a hand cup Olivia's neck, the other arm around her waist. Then they moved in and brushed each other's lips, breathing each other in until finally they pressed their lips together fully. Olivia took Alex's upper lip and sucked, then nipped on the bottom. She opened her mouth wider, prompting Alex to do the same, then with each kiss, they swiped each other's tongues, the third time giving a little more time to swirl their tongues around the other. Then they pecked a few more times, stopped, and sat back down._

" _But that's all in the past. Another round of drinks?" Olivia asked nonchalantly._

 _After a few beats of silence, Fin spoke up. "Uh, yeah! I'll go grab a round."_

" _I'll go with you!" Munch said._

 _Alex looked at her drink. "I think I want something different, I'm gonna go with them."_

 _Olivia looked over at Elliot, who was staring into space at the spot where Alex and Olivia had kissed. She looked over to see her friends at the bar, then reached to his lap, feeling his erection throb through his pants. He flinched at the touch._

 _She chuckled lightly. "You alright there, El?"_

 _He grunted._

 _Feeling bold, she stood and whispered in his ear. "Meet me in the bathroom."_

 _He was there two minutes after her and she was surprised he still had enough of his brain working to remember to lock the door._

" _Holy shit, Liv. Did that really just happen?"_

 _She smiled and walked toward him, unbuttoning her pants as she did. She nodded. "Uh huh…" she said._

 _As soon as she approached he grabbed her and pinned her against the door, rubbing his throbbing erection against her. She reached down and freed him from his pants. "Want to know what it would have been like if it was you?"_

 _He exhaled and leaned into her. "God you're killing me."_

 _She stroked him slowly. "I'm on top of Alex in the bed, sucking her breasts while you fuck me from behind… She scoots back so I can lick her pussy, and I practically have to bite and slobber all over her because you're fucking me so hard I can't stay in one spot."_

 _Elliot turns Olivia around and pulls her pants down._

" _We stand up," Olivia says. "And you fuck me, just like this on the wall." Elliot enters her from behind and fucks her, giving her no time to adjust, but she doesn't need it… she's already so slick that he slides in easily. "I'm already so close to coming, then Alex crouches down and gets in front of me, starts eating me out mercilessly while you pound me." She's breathless now and she knows he won't last long. She reaches down and rubs her clit._

" _Then right as you're about to cum, I get on my knees with Alex and we tangle our tongues together." Olivia moans as her orgasm releases. "Yes! Oh yes… Thennn… fuck! Then you cum on our tongues and we lick your cock clean."_

" _Holy—fucking—shit." Elliot grunts as he orgasms into Olivia._

 _Olivia sighs with a smile, satisfied at how much sexual power she has over this man. She giggles in her buzzed state and pushes him back so she can clean up._

" _You never told me about Alex," he said._

 _She walked over to a stall. "You never asked."_

"God that's so hot," Amanda said. "But I know it only goes well for so long with you two before there's another fight. So, what happens next?"

"Three words," Olivia said.

"Bing. Bang. Bong."


	21. Chapter 21

**I've wanted to write a _Zebras_ post-ep for a while, so this was a nice excuse to do so! I want to write one where they aren't already sleeping together, but that'll be another time, another fic.**

* * *

 _She could hardly get through her statement with IAB. She was too distracted. Her heart hadn't stopped pounding through her chest and she'd been on the verge of tears since she walked in to see Elliot tied to that chair._

 _For the second time in their partnership, she watched as Elliot's life dangled in front of her at the hands of a psychopath._

 _Everything happened so fast afterward: O'Halloran was taken away, the entire department rushed in to process the scene, IAB showed up to find out what happened, Stuckey was taken away for his confession, the ambulance showed up for Elliot._

 _That's where he was now. She didn't have a moment alone with him after everything happened and all she wanted was to hold the bastard and never let him go._

 _She walked out of the precinct to see Elliot getting the last of his wounds stitched up._

" _Shouldn't you get those checked out at the hospital?" she asked._

" _He refused," the paramedic explained. "So, I stitched it up here. But you need to get some antibiotics to make sure you don't get an infection."_

 _Elliot nodded to the medic. "Thanks," he said. He got up and walked around the ambulance as he buttoned his bloody shirt._

 _Olivia took the opportunity to pull at his hand and bring him around to the side of the building. She just needed to get him alone. Once they were out of sight, she ran her hands up his gashed chest and up to his neck and face, which she had just thoroughly beat. "Fuck… God, Elliot…" She drew him in to hold him. But he didn't embrace her. He was stiff._

" _We're in public."_

 _She stepped back. He wasn't even making eye contact. "I know… I just… I needed a minute alone with you. Everything happened so fast…"_

 _He huffed. "I have to give my statement to IAB."_

 _And in a blink, he was turning the corner to go back inside, leaving Olivia completely confused._

 _What the fuck?_

 _She stood to the side and acted busy as Elliot gave Tucker his statement. At the end of the interview, he looked down at his shirt and motioned to the locker rooms. Olivia followed when he made his way there. His shirt was off when she opened the door, and he was leaning with his head on his arm against the lockers._

 _A sense of déjà vu came over her when she was tempted to say, "I liked that shirt," but she refrained. She knew she needed to cut to the chase instead._

" _I was playing a part," she said when she knew they were alone. "I was manipulating Stuckey."_

 _Elliot turned, saw her standing in the doorway. "I know," he said, then turned back and rifled through his locker._

" _I was thinking on my feet. I thought you were going to die… I—"_

" _I said I know." He swung a new shirt around his arms and winced slightly as if he'd forgotten the pain in his chest. "You saved our lives, Olivia. I get it."_

 _She walked closer. "Then what's wrong?"_

 _He stayed silent as he buttoned his shirt._

" _Elliot?"_

 _He sucked in a breath through his nose and turned toward her, only looking her in the eye when he finally spoke. "For thinkin' on your feet you were pretty goddam convincing," he said as he slammed his locker and walked past her._

" _I_ _ **had**_ _to be! I was trying to save your life!"_

" _Well you did your job, Liv. Congrats!"_

 _She caught up to him before he could open the door and pulled him back by the arm. "The hell is wrong with you, Elliot?! You're not leaving until we talk about this!"_

 _He pulled his arm out of her grasp but turned toward her._

 _She took a second to catch her breath… She wasn't sure when she lost it. Her voice came out softer than she meant for it to. "I didn't mean what I said, El." God, she sounded so desperate, but she didn't care right now._

 _He shook his head and breathed out. "I know. Fuck, I know that."_

" _Okay… then…" She stepped forward and rested her hand at his waist, but he pulled away._

 _Her chest ached and she couldn't hold her emotions back. They almost died, a friend of theirs_ _ **did**_ _die, and they barely escaped because she was able to turn the tables on Stuckey. She didn't understand. "Elliot, why are you being like this?" she cried. "Do you have any idea how terrified I was in there?"_

" _Probably about as terrified as I was when the love of my life walked into a goddam death trap, then completely tore me to shreds!" Elliot yelled, not giving an inch of slack when he saw Olivia's tears._

" _What would you have liked me to do, Elliot? I was freaking out!"_

" _I know, Olivia. Okay? I know you didn't 'mean it' and your strategy worked. But that shit had to have come from somewhere."_

" _No! I was playing into his hand!"_

" _Sorry I'm such a fucking prick."_

" _Please… Those things I said were just—"_

" _So, you've never actually wanted me to watch?"_

 _The shot fired and ripped through her chest. "What?" she breathed._

" _Payback for going home to my wife every night?"_

" _Why are you doing this?" she whispered through her tears._

 _He brought his hand to his head. "And I can't get that fucking image out of my mind…" She had no idea what to say. What had she done? "I just need you to leave me alone right now, Olivia."_

 _Elliot turned and started walking toward the locker room exit. She wasn't sure anymore if he was being unreasonable or if this was actually her fault, but she knew that she needed him. After everything that happened today, she needed her best friend._

" _Do not leave me alone tonight," Olivia choked out harshly right as he approached the door._

 _He stopped, and she could see all his emotions just by the way his breath heaved through his back. But after a single moment of hesitation, he left._

* * *

 _She was sitting, curled up on her couch, and she couldn't stop crying. She couldn't stop seeing O'Halloran laying lifelessly on the floor, Elliot tied to a chair with blood soaking through his shirt. She couldn't stop her hand from aching after slapping his face senseless._

 _And if she couldn't stop imagining those things, she could understand how Elliot would be constantly seeing the images of her yelling at him, hitting him, kissing another man._

 _But that didn't make it hurt less._

 _She didn't know how to fix it, or if she should even try. But she found herself picking up her phone. She hit the speed dial for his number._

" _Hey," he answered. And she's a little surprised he did._

" _Hey," she said, emotion thick in her voice. "Are you at home?"_

" _No."_

" _Oh." She expected him to be long gone in Queens by now, but she pushed through her curiosity. "You… you okay?" she asked._

 _He took a couple beats. "I don't know." She listened to him breathe. "You?"_

" _I… No," she answered honestly. "I'm sorry, Elliot… I—"_

" _You didn't do anything wrong, Liv…" his voice was quiet and low, defeated. "You did everything right." He let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry I left like I did and what I said… I just can't stop thinking about—"_

" _I know. Me either," she said. "Where are you?"_

 _He hesitated before he replied. "Steps of your apartment."_

 _She crinkled her forehead and went to the window. There he was, resting his head in his hand while he talked on the phone._

" _After today," he said. "I keep having this feeling you're in danger, so I…"_

 _She laughed lightly. "Even when you're pissed at me you can't help but protect me, huh?"_

" _Being pissed doesn't stop me from loving you."_

 _Olivia shut her eyes with a warm sigh. "Come up," she said._

 _She watched as he contemplated it for a moment, then snapped his phone shut. She buzzed him up._

 _They stood at a distance and took each other in when he walked in her door. He looked exhausted and disheveled. And she knew it was no secret she'd been crying. When she walked past her mirror earlier she'd seen how red her nose and cheeks were. Finally, their eyes locked._

 _Emotion swarmed her again at the sight of him, like his presence made all the events of the day real. She looked down, knowing she couldn't stop the tears from falling again, but she tried._

 _Elliot stepped forward when he saw her fall apart and his chest caught her downfallen head as he wrapped his arms around her. She brought her hands up and grabbed the lapels of his jacked as she wept into his chest, probably ruining another shirt for him today._

" _I was so scared," she barely got it out._

" _Me too," he whispered._

" _Ryan…"_

" _I know."_

 _She lifted her head from his shirt, her tearful eyes meeting his sad ones. "I hated saying those things to you… You have to know."_

 _He brought a hand to her cheek and wiped a tear with his thumb. "I do," he said, resting his forehead against hers. "I know."_

 _The idea of losing him after all they'd been through was too painful to bear, she couldn't stop feeling the intensity of that threat, even though it was gone now. She continued to weep, blowing harsh breaths onto his face as he breathed her in, his hands holding her close, possessing her. All her feelings, all her love overwhelmed her to the point that she could hardly breathe. And she couldn't keep it from him anymore. Her defenses were completely shattered in that forensics lab._

 _She whispered, through breathy sobs and tears wetting her lips. "I love you, Elliot."_

 _Elliot opened his eyes and pulled back just slightly to look at her, almost unsure that he heard her correctly._

 _She needed him to know. Before she lost him, whenever that might be, she needed him to know._

 _At least once._

" _I love you. So much… More than I…" Her words fell into her cries._

 _She continued to weep as he kissed her, her tears now wetting both of their faces. And when they ended up in her bed, she couldn't keep her body disconnected from his. She pulled him in as he did the same with her. She leaned over him, kissing his wounds as she grinded on top of him, he splayed his hands over every inch of her body as he spooned her, thrusting into her from behind, and she wrapped every limb around him, forcing his body to be flush with hers as their powerful orgasms overtook them._

 _She thought that they had made love before, but not like this… Not with every barrier down, every vulnerability exposed, and her love completely open and unrestrained._

 _She loved him. And for tonight, she'd truly allow herself to give him that love._


	22. Chapter 22

_Olivia blindly reached for the phone that was currently the bane of her existence. "Benson," she answered._

 _A low, gravely tone replied, "What are you wearing?"_

" _Elliot? What time is it?" She leaned over to her nightstand to look at the time on her clock, but an arm was restraining her._

 _Elliot laughed to himself at his own joke. "Four. We caught a case."_

 _Lips kissed their way down her stomach. She swatted at the hands groping her breasts. "ETA?"_

" _I'll be there in twenty."_

 _Olivia hung up the phone. "Trevor, stop. I didn't realize how late it is. It's four in the morning."_

" _Time flies when you're having fun," Trevor said with a grin. "And I wasn't done." He dipped his head to her lower abdomen and she lifted it back up._

" _Time to go. Caught a case. Elliot will be here in twenty minutes."_

" _So?"_

" _So, you need to leave."_

" _What does he care if I'm here?"_

 _Olivia laughed as she slipped her slacks on and holstered her gun. "Trust me, he cares."_

" _So the rumors are true—he has a thing for you."_

" _No," she lied. She picked up his shirt and threw it in his direction. "He cares about me and he hates you… Can't say that I blame him."_

 _Trevor laughed as he finished getting dressed and moved toward the door. "Next time?"_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes with a smirk. "We'll see."_

…

 _Elliot handed Olivia a cup of coffee when she slid into her seat. "Thanks," she said, taking a sip immediately. "What do you know so far?"_

" _Just that the bodies were found in the back of an 18-wheeler."_

" _Bodies?"_

" _Two. That's all I know," he said with a yawn. "Warner's meeting us at the scene."_

 _She nodded and took another sip. "You get any sleep?"_

 _Elliot ran his hand down his face. "Not much," he said. "Eli's been up with a cough."_

 _Olivia pouted her lower lip out. "Poor baby. Sorry to hear that."_

" _Is what it is. You?"_

 _She almost choked on her coffee. "Uh, yeah! Pretty good night till you called."_

"It was a rape-double-murder, and it looked like the victims were killed while having sex," Olivia explained to Amanda. "It's a long story, but it turned out to be part of an FBI investigation. While searching a home, we ran into Dean Porter."

"Oooh fuck," Amanda said. "Bet Elliot loved that."

Olivia laughed. "He wasn't thrilled, but it was really good to see him. I was surprised at how much I'd missed him. So, after he caught us up on the case, I tried to get him alone just to talk away from everyone."

" _They're slow this time of night," Olivia said as she walked up to Dean at the elevator._

" _It's been a while, Olivia," Dean said with a smile._

" _Yes, it has."_

" _How are you?"_

" _I can't complain. You?"_

"' _bout the same."_

 _The elevator door dinged and opened. He moved toward it. "You've got my number," he reminded her._

 _Just as she was about to respond, Elliot beat her to it. "Yeeah, we all do," he said._

 _The doors closed on Dean and she turned to her partner. "Give him a break."_

" _We'll see if he gives us one first."_

"Elliot was an ass to Porter during the entire case. But he got even more protective after I was held at gunpoint."

"Of course you were," Amanda said, shaking her head at her boss's tendency to be held hostage.

"But Porter shot and killed the guy, and we thought we had our murderer. We went back to the station and debriefed, then we were off the case, so Porter offered to take me home.

" _You need a lift home?" Dean asked._

" _Nah, I'm good thanks," Elliot answered for her._

 _Annoyed, she gave Dean an apologetic look. Elliot's smug grin taunted her as he walked out._

" _You two aren't going anywhere," Cragen said. "Chief of D's wants your fives on his desk by 8am. Get typing."_

 _They sat at their desks. Elliot picked up the phone and started to dial. "The usual? General Cho's?"_

 _Olivia stayed focused on her paperwork. "Not hungry."_

 _Elliot huffed, and hung up the phone. "What? You're pissed your boyfriend left?"_

 _Olivia glanced around the room. Most of their team was gone, but people were still scattered about and milling around. She went back to her work and avoided eye contact. "This your way of being more supportive of people I date?"_

 _She could feel the laser beams staring her down from across her desk._

" _Not him," he practically growled._

 _Olivia wrote something on her report. Nodded her head. "Not Porter, not Langhan. Got it," she said. "While we're here, why don't you just write a list for me so I know who to stay away from."_

 _She was fed up with him, didn't want to have this conversation anymore, so she got up and headed to the break room for coffee. But before she could get there, Elliot grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into an interrogation room._

" _Porter's a fuckin' sleazy fed and Langhan represents the scum of the earth!" Elliot said. "I think those are two reasonable excuses not to want you to date someone!"_

" _Oh please," Olivia scoffed. "You don't actually think Porter is sleazy, Elliot! This has nothing to do with his character and everything to do with the fact that I might want to see him while he's here! This has been a dick measuring contest for you from the moment we ran into him!"_

" _Oh, there is no contest, sweetheart," he spat._

 _Olivia shook her head at him with her jaw dropped. The condescension was palpable and she hated him for it. "You're one cocky son of a bitch, you know that?" she said. "Well, let me soften your ego for a minute here, Elliot. You're_ _ **not**_ _the one I wanted to go home with tonight."_

 _She hadn't even thought about taking Porter home with her, she just wanted to go out for dinner, a drink, catch up, but she was hitting Elliot where she knew it would hurt._

 _He paused and searched her eyes for the truth before he spoke again. His face fell and he started to walk to the door of the interrogation room. "Excuse me for being so selfish about my time with you after I thought you'd been shot."_

 _Olivia pressed her eyes together tightly. She was like this with him when he was held hostage with Stucky and his attitude was starting to make more sense. She stopped him before he could walk out._

" _Elliot, wait." She walked to him and peeked out the door to make sure they were still in the clear before shutting it again, pushing him back inside. They stood close together behind the door. "I'm not going to apologize for wanting to spend time with Dean, but… I get it... and I_ _ **am**_ _sorry I wasn't thinking about you wanting to spend time with me after what happened…" She reached for his fingers, not wanting to be too physical in case someone looked through the window. "Thankfully you get me all night," she joked. They knew they'd be pulling an all-nighter at the precinct._

" _Say something," she whispered after a long silence._

" _You haven't told me you love me since the night Stucky killed Ryan," he said._

 _Olivia wasn't expecting him to go that direction with this conversation. Her eyes widened. She_ _ **hadn't**_ _said it again. In fact, she felt foolish the next morning for allowing herself to be that vulnerable, giving him that much more of her heart to eventually hurt her with. She didn't regret telling him, he already knew, but her guard was back up now._

" _And sometimes I find myself wondering if it was just an emotional night, but… you didn't really mean it."_

 _Olivia's heart fell to the floor. "Of course I meant it, Elliot. You've know that I mean it for a long time." Her hand instinctively traveled to his chest, but she pulled back, remembering they could be seen. "I just… Not only have we not spent that much time together since then, I… that's…" She let out an exasperated sigh._

 _He nodded. "I understand, I just… needed to know."_

 _God, he really didn't understand though. He would never understand how much. "But as much as we…_ _ **mean**_ _it… you can't do this, El. You can't sabotage my relationships. It's not fair."_

 _He looked away from her. "We have a lot of work to do."_

…

 _It was Porter. The whole time it had been Porter. They were chasing crimes that the FBI was covering up and Porter was there just to make sure it_ _ **stayed**_ _covered up. She was devastated. It wasn't just that she liked him, but she had history with him, a friendship. She trusted him._

 _["I trusted you. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?"_

" _Our feelings don't matter."]_

 _Elliot caught up to her as she walked out of the precinct._

" _Not now, Elliot." She was too upset to listen to him gloat. She kept power-walking to the subway._

" _I'm not—Liv, just stop," he said, taking her by the hand._

 _She slows and half-turns, barely giving him her attention._

" _Just let me take you home."_

 _She stayed still on the street. Every man in her life had pissed her off this week. She didn't want anything to do with any of them right now._

" _Liv, please."_

 _She didn't say a word, but started walking in the direction of the precinct parking lot._

…

" _I'd rather you don't stay," she said plainly as she walked into her apartment and threw her purse on the kitchen table._

" _Can we just talk for a couple minutes?" he asked, closing the door behind him. "You didn't say two words to me in the car."_

" _Not in the mood to talk." She walked into her room and started taking off her gun and shield._

 _Elliot walked in after her and sat on her bed. She rolled her eyes at the sight of him. "Forget where the exit is?" she asked as she went to her drawers and pulled out a tee shirt and shorts to sleep in._

 _Elliot looked at her carpet while he thought about what to say. She was pulling her shorts on when he said it. "I'm sorry about Porter."_

 _She pulled her shirt over her head and scoffed. "Get out, Elliot."_

" _I'm being sincere, Liv."_

" _I said GET. OUT."_

 _She made a beeline for the kitchen, poured what was left of the bottle of wine she'd bought for the fake date she'd had with Dean into a large glass._

" _You're not sorry about Dean," she said when she heard Elliot walk up behind her. "You're getting off on the fact that you were right about him." She turned to face him with her glass now full. She took a sip, then walked to the couch, plopped down into one corner and tucked a leg under herself._

 _Elliot swiped the remote before she could turn the TV on._

" _What the hell, Elliot!"_

 _He sat on the coffee table in front of her. "I'm sorry that you got hurt," he said calmly. "And I_ _ **am**_ _being sincere about that. But you're right. I never wanted you to be with him. I've been jealous of him since the night you told me you slept with him in Oregon."_

 _She grabbed the remote back, but set it down beside her instead of using it to turn the TV on. She sighed. "I get it, El. But you being sorry that I got hurt doesn't make it hurt any less and I just want to be alone tonight. Please leave."_

 _He paused. "Are we…"_

" _We're fine. I've just had a long week, we've worked all hours, and I need some time alone."_

 _He got up to leave, but before he stood, she caught a glimpse of worry in his eyes. She grabbed his hand before he walked away._

" _I was being honest in the interrogation room," she said when he turned back to her. "I did mean it. I_ _ **do**_ _mean it. Okay? This doesn't have anything to do with that."_

 _His shoulders dropped as he exhaled. He leaned over and kissed Olivia slowly. "Okay," he said, then he left her to be alone for the night._


	23. Chapter 23

Amanda fills her glass again. She's not sure how many they've had tonight. "So, I'm curious, Liv," she says. "You ever have sex on the roof? I've always fantasized about it."

Olivia smirked. "Does a blow job count?"

" _Hey," she said softly when she walked onto the roof to find her partner. He was where she always expected—leaning on the concrete wall, looking over the city._

" _Hey," he said. "They're gone?"_

 _She nodded as she made her way over to him and mirrored his position. "Yeah." She pointed down to the street at a petit blonde and her son turning a corner and disappearing out of sight._

" _Kathy pissed?"_

 _Olivia chuckled through her nose. "Kathy and I both got used to your outbursts a long time ago." He looked over at her. "She's fine, El." He went back to watching the street. "Are you?" she asked._

 _He let out a long, loud sigh. "I'm sorry he asked you that… when you were questioning him."_

 _[What about you detective? You ever sleep with your partner?]_

 _Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "It was a valid question."_

" _You handled it well."_

 _[Never.]_

 _Elliot shifted his feet and he looked down at his hands for a moment. "I know I'm a shitty husband, Liv, but I really fucked up as a dad this time."_

" _Hey, listen to me," Olivia insisted. She turned toward him and pushed his arm so he would look at her. He complied. "Dicky's a teenager. He's dumb. We all were," she said. "He's going through a lot. You were right earlier. You're not his friend, you're his father. He needs you for stability and support and for someone to set rules that he can break. Just because he breaks them in a massive way doesn't mean you're a bad father. You love that boy… He'll realize it one day."_

 _Elliot moved forward and wrapped Olivia in his arms. "I love you," he whispered into her neck._

 _She hummed, pulled him back slightly and rested their heads together. "You could work on the temper, though."_

 _He snorted. "Broken record."_

 _Olivia splayed her hands over his chest and drifted to his pants. "Now…" she said, her voice lowering an octave. She rubbed his cock through his pants and pulled down the zipper. She kissed his neck. "How can I help release some of this tension?"_

 _Elliot groaned. "You're not serious…"_

 _She pulled him out of his briefs and stroked him. "Oh, I'm very serious," she said. "Call it possessiveness, or something horribly, horribly, evil within me… but," she huskily whispered into his ear, "I've wanted your cock in my mouth since the moment Kathy walked into the precinct."_

 _With that, Olivia dropped to her knees, and Elliot moaned, "Oooh my god…"_

 _She took his entire dick into her warm mouth, her hand massaging his testicles as she hummed "mmm mmm mmm" every time she bobbed her head. He was hardening quickly and she pressed her tongue to his tip, spreading his precum like jam on toast. She undid her own pants, and instead of just slipping her hand into them, she lowered her pants so Elliot could see her ass as she fingered herself. Something about them both being exposed, out in the open, was exhilarating and erotic._

 _She slathered her saliva over Elliot's erection and pulled her head off for a moment while firmly stroking it with her hand, looking up at him to see his mesmerized daze. She loved that she could take him to that state. She rubbed her clit vigorously as she moved her lips back to his throbbing member and her sucking became more urgent. "Fuuuck, Liv… You're so goddam sexy." She looked up at him as he started to make more noises and she brought both hands to his hips to keep him inside her mouth as he came. He thrusted into her, his hands in her hair as she swallowed every drop of cum in three thick gulps, then sucked the last remainder on her way up._

 _When she stood she guided his hand to her cunt, and he entered her with two fingers, penetrating her in fast, frantic strokes as the heel of his palm slapped her clit. She was so turned on that she was clamping around him in seconds, holding onto his shoulders as her head fell back. "Shit! Yes! Don't stop!" And he didn't. He fingered her fast and hard until she rode out her orgasm, wetting his fingers with all she could give him._

 _They fixed their pants and kissed slowly. "That was so good," Olivia said._

 _Elliot laughed. "You have no idea… You know you could overthrow a kingdom with that mouth."_

 _Olivia smile. "Noted."_

"Were you jealous of Kathy often?" Amanda asked.

Olivia pursed her lips to the side. "I don't think I was jealous of her much at all. I knew Elliot loved me and that he and Kathy hardly had a marriage, much less a sex life. There was only one woman who _really_ made me jealous. Jo Fucking Marlow."

 _["You and he ever…"_

" _No. He's married."]_

 _And then there was that infuriating giggle before the haughty "yeah." Was she implying what she thought she was implying?_

 _Olivia never thought twice about Elliot sleeping with anyone other than Kathy and herself. And if there ever was a time would have, it was when he was separated… Not back when he was partnered with Jo._

 _But maybe she was wrong._

 _It's_ _ **clear**_ _that she was wrong._

 _But she had no right to be upset. She's had other men in her bed, why shouldn't he have other women?_

 _Right?_

" _Liv?"_

 _She lifted her head from her computer to give Elliot her attention. "Yeah."_

 _He eyed her warily. "You get anything from Emily Sullivan?"_

" _Uh, yeah. Basically outed her dad."_

" _Didn't think that'd be something to mention to me?"_

" _Sorry, it… I forgot."_

 _Elliot glanced around the precinct to make sure no wandering ears were close by. "What's going on with you?"_

 _She glanced at him again, then back to her computer. "Nothing's going on with me."_

 _He continued to stare. "I… I usually know when I fuck up, but I'm at a loss here, so you really gotta fill me in, Liv."_

 _She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "You didn't do anything." She pushed her chair back from her desk. "I think I'm gonna hit the gym and finish this tomorrow," she said. She stood and headed to the locker room to change._

 _It was years ago. She shouldn't be pissed._

 _Was she even pissed?_

 _No._

 _Hurt._

 _But even being hurt was ridiculous. She was his mistress, for Christ's sake. Can a mistress be pissed that her lover had a previous mistress? Is that a thing?_

" _You just gonna stare at your clothes all night or you gonna change into them?"_

 _Elliot stood in the doorway of the locker room. She realized she_ _ **had**_ _been standing there quite a while. She grabbed her gym bag and sifted through it for her clothes._

" _Just taking my time," she said. "Not in a rush."_

" _Mhm."_

 _His hand landed on her arm and he pulled her back to look at him. "Liv, what the hell is going on?" he asked quietly._

 _She sighed. "Can we talk about this later?"_

" _What exactly is it that we're talking about?"_

 _She saw genuine concern in his eyes and knew she should give him something. She looked to the ground and shook her head, feeling foolish for being so naïve to think she was the only one._

" _Tell me," he prodded._

" _It's nothing," she started. She looked up at him. "Why didn't you ever tell me Jo was a woman?"_

 _He looked taken aback at the subject. "I don't know."_

" _I mean it's weird that in all the stories you've told me about Jo, somehow pronouns were never used."_

 _Elliot rubbed his head. "I'm… sorry? I'll use more pronouns from now on..." He was trying to lighten the mood, but Olivia continued to focus on the floor. "You're upset that Jo's a woman?" he asked._

" _No," she answered immediately, still unable to make eye contact. "I'm upset that I… that I thought I was the only one you would break your vows for... God, I'm such an idiot."_

 _There was a pause before she heard Elliot's voice raise just slightly. "_ _ **What?**_ _"_

 _She raised her eyes to the ceiling. "But now that I think of it, it makes sense. Look at how we started. We hardly knew each other then… We weren't in lo… We weren't what we are now. We were just partners."_

 _Maybe it would help to know she wasn't as special as she thought… it wouldn't be quite as painful when this all blew up in flames._

 _Yes. It's helpful. That's how she'd look at this._

 _Elliot's stutters came out in nonsensical patterns. "Jo… it… I…_ _ **What?**_ _"_

" _It's fine, Elliot," she said. She grabbed her gym bag. "I'm gonna work out at the gym by my place instead of here. I'll see you tomorrow."_

" _Olivia, I—"_

" _El, it's fine," she said on her way out the door. "I'm fine. I'll see you tomorrow."_

…

 _She killed two hours at the gym before heading back to her place. She needed that time to think, release frustration, get a grip._

 _But she was still distracted enough that she didn't notice Elliot sitting against her door until she was just a few feet away._

" _How long have you—"_

" _Hour and a half." He stood when she approached and stuffed his hands in his pockets. His voice was low when his eyes locked onto hers. "That first time in the shower… that wasn't on a whim for me. We'd only been partners less than a year, but I'd thought about it every day since the day you walked into the precinct."_

 _Olivia swallowed hard as she listened._

" _I was jealous for you from day one. I fell in love with you on week six, when Richard White was after you. I picked you up to go to work, dropped you off," he laughed as he remembered, "and you were pissed that I was hovering. That's when I knew you were this… Wonder Woman… on the streets of New York. And that I'd never stop protecting you. Ever."_

 _Olivia's heart vibrated in her chest. "We were just kids then," she said. And she couldn't believe how different things were back then… how far they'd come._

 _He nodded. "We weren't even 'us' yet, but I loved you. And that night in the shower was the first time I_ _ **ever**_ _cheated on my wife."_

 _Olivia rolled her eyes to a close and sighed, then pushed past him to open the door. She threw her bag on the couch. "Do you mind if I shower before we talk? I'm gross."_

"' _Course."_

 _She was washing the conditioner out of her hair when he walked in. She let a small smile fall onto her lips when he walked up behind her and kissed her shoulder under the water. His hands were on her hips, but not wrapped around her, which told her he was still being cautious._

" _I see you waited until I had time to wash off," she said._

" _You sweat_ _ **a lot**_ _at the gym."_

 _She elbowed him playfully and turned around to face him, pulling him in by the waist and resting her head against his so they were cheek to cheek._

" _What happened today?" Elliot asked softly._

" _It doesn't matter."_

" _It does to me."_

 _Olivia lowered her head and watched the water run down his chest as she spoke. "Jo asked if we've slept together and when I said you were married… she implied that your marriage wasn't an issue."_

 _Elliot ran his hand down his face. "Jesus…"_

" _And it's okay," Olivia said._

" _No, Liv, I—"_

" _Elliot, it's fine. I have no right to be upset abou—"_

" _Liv!" he took her face in his hands and dipped down so they were eye level. "I did not have sex with Jo!"_

 _Her eyes darted between his. "But it's okay if you—"_

" _I didn't."_

" _Then why did she…"_

 _Elliot sighed and straightened his back. "Jo has always had a…. thing… for me. There was another woman who we worked with fifteen years ago, Kara, who I was friends with. It really was strictly platonic, but Jo was convinced I was sleeping with her. She never believed me when I told her otherwise. But I never, ever slept with Jo… or Kara, for that matter. Never wanted to."_

 _Olivia let out a shaky breath and nodded, her eyes finding the floor again. "Okay," she whispered._

" _You know I like it when you're the jealous one," Elliot joked._

" _Stop…" Olivia said as she nudged him._

 _Elliot tilted her head up by her chin. "I've slept with two people my entire life, Liv... Two."_

 _Olivia's lips arched into a smirk. "You'll get the hang of it one day."_

 _His jaw dropped at her joke. "Ohhh no you didn't!" he said, pressing her against the wall as he placed pressure right at the ticklish spot on her hip._

 _She protested and pushed him away, but he came back and leaned his body into hers on the bathroom tile. "Now this feels familiar…" he said._

 _The memories of the shower all those years ago came rushing back._

" _Can you believe it's been eleven years?"_

 _He pressed kisses to her neck and shoulder. "I want a thousand more."_


	24. Chapter 24

"Those words, 'a thousand more,' shook me in an unexpected way." Olivia sipped her wine as she spoke. "We'd gotten so casual and flippant about our affair and I wasn't sure when it happened. We made love in the shower that night, but I couldn't get the words out of my head. They were unsettling to me. Then I freaked out during the next case we caught when we had to do a short undercover gig as a couple."

 _There were several empty beer bottles next to them on the floor as they looked through the photos. "How do people believe us when we say we haven't slept together?" Olivia joked as she finished placing a photo of Elliot nuzzling her cheek in a frame. "It shouldn't be this easy to find pictures that make us look like a couple. We've spend more time choosing between them all."_

 _Elliot laughed. He put another framed photo on a table. It was of their fifth or sixth year together. She could always tell by her hair; that was the blonde phase. "Maybe we're not really fooling anyone," Elliot said._

" _Remember this?" Olivia held up a picture of the two of them with Casey Novak._

 _Elliot took it from her. "Oh god, we were hammered!" he laughed. "And I think we caught an early case the next morning, right?"_

" _Yeah, Casey was still passed out on my couch while you and I nursed hangovers on the way to the crime scene!"_

 _The lighting was low when they put the last touches on the apartment. Olivia stood, stretched her back, which was achy after such a long time on the floor, and yawned. "Well, looks like we're finished here. Ready to call it a night?"_

" _Actually, there's one more thing."_

 _She watched as he approached her, his hand fiddling in his pocket until he took hers and swiftly placed a band around her ring finger. It took Olivia several seconds to realize what happened, but finally inspected the ring._

" _El, this is gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "I love the sapphires around the diamond, it's beautiful! This has to be… what—1950s?"_

" _30s," Elliot said._

" _You steal this from evidence on a closed case or somethin'?" she joked, continuing to eye the rocks glittering her finger._

" _It was my grandmothers. And I want you to keep it."_

 _Olivia's head shot up, her face fell faster than a block of cement from a skyscraper. "What?" she whispered._

 _Elliot took a step forward, leaving hardly any room between them, he took her hand in his. "When I was seventeen, my grandmother gave me this ring, told me to give it to the woman I could never see myself without, the woman I'd give my life for, who I wanted to grow old with… I was getting married the following weekend to a woman I'd knocked up, but she didn't fit the description my grandmother gave me, so I've kept it hidden for twenty years. I've wanted you to have it for, god… I don't know how long… but never knew when to…" he trailed off to let her put the rest together._

 _Her eyes and mouth were frozen open until she let her gaze flit to the framed photos they just finished setting up to look like they were a married couple._

 _They spent the entire day planning for everything she'd never have._

 _Everything she wanted._

 _Olivia couldn't formulate words or put thoughts together except to register that this was insane. She shook her head and twisted the ring off her finger. "Um… I'm sorry," she said. She placed the ring back in his hand. "No." She walked toward the couch._

 _Her mind drifted to the years she promised herself she wouldn't fall in love with him; the times she left him, even traveled across the country, to clear her head and give them some space; the time she came back and determined herself to stay platonic; the time they fell back into bed and she swore she'd keep her feelings out of it._

" _No?" Elliot repeated._

 _She grabbed her box of photos and her keys. "We should get going."_

" _Liv?" Once she knew she had everything, she started toward the exit. "Liv, stop!" he grabbed her arm and she turned around. "Why—"_

" _Because this is fake!" Olivia shouted. She snapped her arm out of his grip and gestured to the room. "Look around you! This isn't real, Elliot!"_

 _Elliot's eyes narrowed and his face clinched as he stepped toward her again, wagging his finger back and forth between them. "But_ _ **this**_ _is! You and me._ _ **This**_ _is real! And you are the woman I can't see myself without! The one I would give my life for!"_

" _That's a fucking wedding ring Elliot!" she yelled. "A symbol of commitment and never-ending, eternal love! Do you really think that's what this is?" Her voice caught in her throat as she said it. Elliot's features were furious. "Have you really deluded yourself into thinking this is going to last?"_

 _She looked away, shook her head, then whispered, "Have I?"_

 _He got right up in her face. "Oh, don't give me this bullshit, Olivia! Jesus, you do this every time you get a little scared! I thought we were past this!"_

" _This isn't about fear, Elliot! It's about reality! And the reality is—I am not your wife!" She looked to the pictures of their fake marriage. Is that what their entire partnership had been? A fake marriage? She lowered her voice as her eyes found Elliot's again and soberly said, "I'm not_ _ **yours**_ _."_

 _They stood in silence, breathlessly attempting to read each other. She knew he wanted to fight, argue, make her take it back, tell her that she IS his, but he would lose the fight. For almost twelve years they'd been walking this line: the forbidden, star-crossed lovers heading feet first into nothing…_

 _At some point, she stopped fighting it, and she's not sure exactly when it happened._

 _She remembered their fight outside the Ledger, when she first realized she'd never be able to have a relationship outside of him, but decided she wanted to stay with him in secret for as long as they would last. She expected everything to blow up at some point, but wanted a little more time until it did._

 _When did a little more time turn into years?_

 _She remembered their shower a week before... 'Can you believe it's been eleven years?' she'd said. And his response… 'I want a thousand more.'_

 _A thousand more._

 _A thousand more passionate nights. A thousand more loving kisses. A thousand more heated stares. A thousand more words that made her heart flutter._

 _A thousand more lies. A thousand more secrets. A thousand more days he'd go home to his wife. A thousand more men she would never let in._

" _What are we doing, Elliot?" she rasped, as though she was truly realizing all of this for the first time._

 _He shook his head. "Don't say that."_

" _How did we let it go this far?"_

" _Olivia, stop." He stepped in, one hand behind her back, and one behind her head, pressing her forehead to his. "Please… just stop," he begged._

 _She didn't return the embrace, but she also couldn't pull away. She wanted to, thought she should, but she felt like something was falling apart, like reality was finally choking her, getting her attention, telling her to run for the hills and get a life outside of him. And she was afraid of what it would mean if she left him right then._

 _But if she didn't, maybe she never would._

 _When did she become this person? So wrapped up in someone else's man that she couldn't see straight, couldn't hold a relationship? Couldn't step back from his embrace?_

 _The floor creaked as she leaned back on one foot, prying herself from his hold._

" _No, whatever you're going to say, just don't," Elliot said. "Don't do this."_

 _Olivia's cheeks were already stained with tears. "El…"_

" _It was just a gift, Olivia. It doesn't have to mean…"_

" _It's more than that," she said, salty tears wetting her lips. "You know it's so much more than that."_

 _He shook his head. "Let me take you home," Elliot suggested. "We'll sleep on it and talk about this tomorrow."_

" _No," Olivia said. She let out a shaky breath as Elliot paused in front of her. "Elliot…We should have ended this a decade ago…"_

" _Liv…"_

 _She felt like she was in a trance, outside of herself. "I… We can't do this anymore…"_

" _God, please…" He took her head in his hands again. "I love you."_

" _I know," she cried._

" _Then… that's all that matters."_

 _She shook her head. "It's not."_

 _She stepped back and looked him directly in the eyes, hers filled with tears._

" _It's over."_

* * *

"I left right after that because I knew I couldn't stay long without falling into his arms. Then we jumped into this case first thing in the morning," Olivia said.

"Was it awkward?" Amanda asked.

"Not really. You know how it is… Our job is so intense that it's hard not to make up or mend relationships quickly. We depend on each other too much and see such insane things all the time that no one else understands. But we'd faked marriage undercover previously with more ease, I suppose. I did notice that he hugged me a little awkwardly. But it was also a high-pressure case, so who know what the reason for that was. Either way, we caught the bastard selling babies on the black market, saved the mom, and arrested the doctor delivering the babies. Once everything died down, our own shit had time to catch up with us."

" _Your jobs are done here for the night, detectives," Cragen said as Olivia started to pack her things. "Go home and let Jo do all the work in court tomorrow."_

" _Goodnight, Cap," Olivia said._

" _Can I drive you home?" Elliot's quiet voice surprised her. She didn't see him walk up._

 _She paused for a few moments, her instincts telling her to say 'no,' but she knew they needed to talk. She nodded._

 _Elliot was the one to break the long silence in the car. "Did you sleep alright last night?"_

 _Olivia huffed humorlessly. "Did you?" She had yet to look at him during the drive._

" _Point taken. Dumb question."_

 _More silence. Which Elliot, again, was the one to break when he pulled up to her apartment. "I want you to know that I heard you last night. And I'm going to respect your decision. I'm going to try to just be us… Benson and Stabler… but…"_

 _She looked at him then, questioning that last word._

" _Why now?" he asked._

 _Her eyes welled with tears. She hated this. She looked away, knowing she wouldn't be able to say it as long as he held her stare. "It should have happened years ago, but when you gave me that ring…" her voice got quieter as tears began to fall from her eyes. "…I realized I would never end it if I didn't do it right then. I would stay with you forever and it would never be real. I would have a promise on my finger while you truly belonged to someone else… And I'd never have my own life."_

 _She saw him nod with his head hung low out of the corner of her eye._

" _So, how do we do this? How do we just… go backwards?"_

" _I think today was a good start. Nothing at work changed, right? And that was how our relationship was supposed to be. Work. We're partners."_

" _And best friends."_

 _She nodded slowly. "Yeah."_

" _I miss you," he whispered._

 _She closed her eyes hard. "El…"_

" _You're right. I'm sorry." He held up a hand to tell her not to continue because he knew what she'd say. "We should probably stay away from feelings and stuff."_

 _She laughed to herself. What did he think she'd been doing for the past eleven years? She sighed. "This would be easier if you'd be a dick about it."_

 _He laughed and they shared a smile, holding the look for a few knowing moments. They would be okay._

" _I should…" Olivia tilts her head toward her apartment._

" _Yeah."_

" _Thanks for the ride home."_

" _Anytime."_

 _She was about to shut the door when she heard his voice again. "Liv?"_

 _She bent down to look at him, waited for him to continue._

" _Blink your lights."_

* * *

 **A/N: Sorryyyy! They were about to be too happy. lol. Ain't over yet, though. See you in ch25.**


	25. Chapter 25

"It couldn't have been _that_ easy," Amanda said. "Y'all were in way too deep."

"No," Olivia said with a laugh. "It wasn't that easy. We struggled and didn't last long. One of our next cases involved a parent-paid kidnapping of a boy named Nicholas. We followed a lead, found the kidnapper, and it turned into a high-speed chase."

Amanda winced. "Oh no. I have a feeling this isn't going to turn out well."

Olivia confirmed that feeling with a nod. "They ended up in the river, we pulled the car out…" She paused, glanced up at Amanda. "Seeing dead kids never gets easy."

 _A mixture of rage and sadness flowed through her at the sight of Nicholas' lifeless body in the car. She heard Elliot's harsh breath and followed him when he stormed up the bank and around a construction gate. He was red—his face, his neck. And she could see his thought process as he clenched his fists into two white-knuckled balls… he was going to punch the crane in front of him._

 _Her hand landed on his arm before he could swing and when she knew it was safe, she stepped in, brought her hands to his face. "Hey," she said softly._

 _He registered her presence and let out a huge breath, releasing his pent-up punch, allowing her to absorb the emotions instead. He wagged his head and leaned onto the machine with one arm._

 _She couldn't help it. She literally couldn't stop herself. She loved the father in him. She leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek, then whispered into his ear. "He's not your kid, El… He's not your kid." She placed another kiss to his jaw. God she missed the feeling of his skin against her lips._

" _I know," he said._

" _We did everything we could," she said._

" _We weren't fast enough."_

" _There's nothing we could have done differently."_

 _He leaned onto his arm more. She felt a shift in the mood as they quietly stood in each other's space, and she knew she needed to take a step back before she completely ruined everything they'd worked on in the past few weeks by tackling his lips._

" _We need to go back to the precinct," she said, her tone more professional. "We should be the ones to tell his parents."_

 _Elliot nodded, noting her sudden lack of intimacy as she stepped away._

 _Back in the car, Elliot brought it up. "You backed away from me."_

 _She narrowed her eyes before she realized what he was talking about. "You mean just now? Back at the scene?"_

" _Yeah… And… You don't have to do that. You can still be real with me. I can't have you shut down every time things get emotional on the job."_

" _I… I'm sorry. I didn't realize I did that. I just… I guess that's where the line has always been blurry with us and I got confused for a minute."_

 _He paused to think about it, then when he pulled up to the precinct he responded. "Then maybe the line has to be blurry, Liv." His voice wasn't quite violent, but it wasn't understanding either. "Because I'm not just your coworker. I'm your friend and I need you. I need your compassion and that empathic way you hold yourself when you know I'm upset."_

 _The words were sweet and sentimental, but the tone held so much fuel… fumes ready to combust. Her face stung with heat. She wasn't sure if she should be mad or sad or apologetic._

" _You say this is fake. But what's truly fake is when you pull away and act like there's nothing between us; like we don't balance each other out or hold each other up." He's looking through the windshield, one leg out the door when he finishes. "You're the most real thing I've ever known… ever had… and you…" He rubbed his face with his hand and left the sentence unfinished, stepped out of the car and headed for the 1-6._

 _She knew the case was upsetting him, and the timing was horrible. So she just breathed, then followed him in to finish the case, his words ringing in the back of her mind the entire time._

…

 _He walked up next to her on the roof, leaned against the rail. "You're usually the one finding_ _ **me**_ _up here."_

 _She barely acknowledged him. "Needed some air."_

" _Rough case."_

 _She nodded. "Mhm."_

" _Incredible how you saved Melinda."_

 _Her shoulder raised carelessly. "She talked me through it."_

" _Still, that was a lot to go through." He was looking at her, but she could only tell through her periphery because she continued to face forward. "And somehow through everything you still look… perfect."_

 _She ignored the sentiment, unsure of how to respond. It was quiet for a while, both trying to figure out what to say, where they stood._

" _I miss you, Elliot," Olivia finally whispered as her eyes welled, refusing to look at him. "I'm not taking this lightly."_

 _She heard frustration in his sigh, which she thinks was aimed at himself. "I'm sorry about earlier. I was…"_

" _I know."_

 _The wind blew through the myriad of skyscrapers littering the skyline and Elliot noticed the goosebumps that erupted across Olivia's exposed arms, just then realizing she'd changed into a tank top. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders._

" _Thanks," she said quietly. She turned toward him then. "How've you been?" she asked… The best friend checking on the guy going through a breakup._

 _His head shook as he watched the passersby on the street. "Honestly? The only thing that gets me through each night is knowing I get to see you at work the next morning, and even then, I still feel like I lost you. Like I'm losing you."_

 _She wasn't sure what to say. She felt the same way, crying herself to sleep every night, counting minutes before her alarm went off in the morning._

 _After another thick silence, Elliot continued. "I'll leave her."_

 _Her head turned slightly at the comment, but it ultimately caused her to roll her eyes. "El…"_

" _I'm serious, Liv. I don't want her. I don't need her… But I can't fucking stand not being with you… I can't stand this."_

" _You_ _ **are**_ _with me, Elliot," she said. "I see you every day."_

" _It's not the same."_

 _She suppressed the instinct to disagree just to comfort him. "I know," she said honestly. She thought back through the last few weeks. "I can't stand this either," she adds._

" _Then I'll divorce her."_

" _She'll accuse you of an eleven-year affair and you'll lose the kids and end up resenting me."_

" _Not possible."_

 _Her eyebrows raised. "_ _ **Very**_ _possible. You're not leaving Kathy for me, Elliot. You know I don't want that…"_

 _He threw his arms up, exasperated, walked a few steps away. The next words came out harshly. "Well, then what the hell am I supposed to do, Liv? I want you! I want to be with you! How am I supposed to do that if you won't let me leave the one thing separating us?!"_

" _She's not the only thing, Elliot! We're partners! And_ _ **that**_ _comes first! If it didn't, one of us would have left a long time ago!" She shook her head again. "Hell, if the job didn't come first, one of us_ _ **should**_ _have left a long time ago!"_

" _One of us did! Twice!"_

 _She was taken aback. He was right, she hadn't thought about it. And when she left him back then, they weren't half as deeply involved as they were now. She was miserable without him then, but this was far worse._

" _And… Goddam it, Liv! I don't care anymore!" he yelled. Olivia's eyes brimmed with tears about to overflow. It was all too much. "I didn't_ _ **mean**_ _to fall in love with my partner, but it happened! And I will flip my life upside down and leave this job and my wife if it means being with you! Don't you see that?"_

" _No," Olivia said, pointing a finger at him. "This job is too important and we're too good at it to give it up! Elliot, please… we just need time. We'll get past this."_

 _He shifted, his hands on his hips. He gazed angrily out into the horizon for a moment. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, with very little remorse in his voice. "I said I'd respect your decision and I shouldn't be trying to convince you to be with me if you don't want to."_

" _Elliot, you know that's not why I—"_

 _He raised a hand as he walked away. "Yeah, I know." The door slammed behind him._

…

 _She was still wearing his jacket when she walked into her apartment late that night, mentally and emotionally drained. It was a little chillier than normal, and she shoved her hands into his jacket pockets to warm them up._

 _Cold metal hit her fingertips._

 _She looked down as she pulled the ring out of the pocket, sapphires sparkling around the diamond in the dull overhead lights of her kitchen. He still had it with him three weeks after he tried to give it to her._

 _For eleven years she'd been distant, trying to save herself from this man who would inevitably hurt her, leave her, decide he didn't love her._

 _But he was willing to give everything up. He's the last person that would ever hurt her. Why was she still so damn guarded?_

 _And he was right. He was the most real thing she knew. Maybe the only real thing. He's the only person that truly knew her inside and out, could tell what she's thinking, anticipate her moves. He's the one who could tell she was full of shit when she tried to act tough after she was assaulted, the one who drew her a bath and made her a kettle of hot tea to soothe her._

 _She shrugged his jacket off, the ring still pinched between two fingers. She stared at it, but her mind was on his eyes the first time she saw that he loved her. The gaze that held so much power and strength and stability._

 _She slid the ring onto her finger._

" _Liv?"_

 _She spun around. "El, what—"_

" _I was knocking, but you didn't answer."_

 _She didn't even notice._

 _Elliot stepped forward, his eyes falling to her finger as he approached her._

" _You still had it with you," she said._

 _He shrugged slightly. "Couldn't bring myself to put it back."_

 _She nodded. Her voiced came out as a rasp. "You really do love me, don't you?"_

 _His hand reached her face, then slid back into her hair. "I hate that you would ever doubt it. That you would think you're worthy of anything less… Yes. I love you, Olivia."_

" _Then don't put the ring back." She slid her hands to his chest, the stones on her ring finger glittering in her eye before she looked back at him. "I think I just needed some time to freak out before we took another step."_

" _You always do," he said with a smile._

 _She laughed at herself, then brought her hands around to his back, leaned her forehead on his chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered._

" _Don't be," he whispered back. "You have no reason to be sorry." He tilted her head up. "Liv… I don't want you to be with me just because I picked a fight."_

 _Olivia smirked. "When's the last time some sass from you swayed my decision making?" she joked._

 _Elliot laughed. "Okay, I just… I know this situation isn't always fair to you and I'm a dick for making you feel bad about breaking it off. So if you're in, I want you to be sure."_

 _She held his eyes with hers, taking in the stare that changed her life eleven years ago. It was complicated, sure. But she wanted him. She loved him. She always would. There was no decision for her to make._

" _I'm in," she said. "I'm sure… Every day that you'll have me, Elliot… I'm in. I'm yours."_

 _He took her there, up against the kitchen wall, too full of passion and emotion to make it to the bedroom. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and she twisted the commitment she made around her finger with her thumb as he thrusted into her._

 _She knew it was just her sense of preservation, the shield she'd spent decades welding to guard herself, so she tried to push it away, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she'd just dug her grave… Like something very fragile would soon shatter into a million tiny pieces._

 _She reminded herself that it was just her imagination._

 _He would never hurt her._


	26. Chapter 26

"And that brings us to our twelfth year together," Olivia said, a mixture of dreaminess and sadness in her voice.

"A good year?" Amanda asked.

She sat thoughtfully. "You know… The funny thing is that Elliot and I had never been closer than we were that year. That's why his disappearance at the end of it was such a shock."

"Aah." Amanda's head tilted up as if she just realized they were nearing the end of the story.

"Of course, we had huge ups and downs that year, just like any other. It was a particularly hard year for me, but before the big stuff happened we were so… together."

 _Olivia slammed her palm on the snooze as her alarm blared, refusing to cease bouncing on Elliot's cock on the floor, tangled in sheets that fell with them off the bed about thirty minutes ago._

" _Don't you dare stop," Elliot growled, grasping at her breasts and pinching her nipples. He sat up and took one in his mouth._

" _Wasn't planning on it," she said. "But that is the sixth time I've pressed snooze. We should hurry this up. Can't both be late again."_

" _I'll just call Cragen," Elliot groaned into her ear. "Tell him we're going to be late because I woke up to my partners mouth on my cock in the middle of the night."_

 _Olivia chuckled and he flipped her onto her back. "I needed a midnight snack," she teased._

 _Elliot grunted as he slammed into her. He reached between them and flicked her clit with his thumb as he leaned over and spoke low into her ear. "Cum, Olivia," he said. "I want to think about this all day at work today… your pussy squeezing around me, spilling yourself around my—"_

" _Oh god…" Olivia moaned, her body obeying his words as she convulsed. "Fuck! Elliot!" She spasmed around him, causing him to lose control and spill into her, pinning her body further into the floor as he collapsed._

 _Once they came down from their highs, Elliot pulled Olivia to her feet and turned the alarm off. He kissed her sweetly and smiled. "Morning."_

 _She smiled back, another peck on the lips. "Morning."_

 _At that, Olivia headed for the shower while Elliot put on a pot of coffee. He mixed Olivia's cup with one Splenda, no milk, then set the drink on the bathroom counter just as she stepped out of the shower. He stepped in after her as she took her first sip, sighing into the cup. "Mmm, perfect, El. Is this the same coffee we've been drinking?"_

" _There was only little dark roast left so I mixed it with a house blend," he said a little loudly so he'd be heard over the patter of the shower water against the floor._

" _It's delicious."_

 _She was just about finished with her makeup when Elliot's wet body stepped up behind her, kissing her naked shoulder as she had only a towel wrapped around her body. He went to his section of her closet and pulled off his shirt, slacks, and jacket from the hangers. He also saw his favorite of Olivia's slacks hanging in plain sight—the ones that hugged her ass so perfectly he'd developed many an erection from seeing them on her. He took them down, placed them on the bed._

" _Picked out your pants for the day," Elliot said casually as she walked into the bedroom while attaching the back to an earring._

 _She saw the garment and smiled seductively. "Oh really?" she asked, knowing how much he loved those pants. She dropped the towel and slipped on a thong._

" _Really."_

 _Once she fastened her bra, she picked up the pants. "What is it with you and these pants, Stabler?"_

 _He shrugged. "I might be guilty of a fantasy or two about your ass in those pants."_

 _She laughed and pulled them up her long legs. "You know, we might have to work with Erik Weber again today."_

 _Elliot stepped in closer to her. "Yeah, but you already turned him down, remember?" He wrapped his arms around her, slid them down her sides, to her hips, and back toward her ass. "Something about not mixing business and pleasure?" He gripped a handful of her ass at the last word._

" _A smart philosophy, I'm told," Olivia quipped, buttoning his shirt as she kissed his neck._

" _You're supposed to be taking the shirt OFF when you do that."_

 _She smiled and chucked into his neck then brought her lips to his. "Gotta get going." She stepped aside and grabbed her shirt from her vanity as she went._

" _Yeah yeah yeah…" he said, slapping her ass as she walked away._

"I never asked why he was able to spend so many nights with me," Olivia said. "I guess I didn't really want to know."

"But it sounds like you were a real couple," Amanda noted.

"It felt like it. With a strange twist where the mistress has to convince the man to go home to his family some nights."

 _Olivia plopped down on her chair and sighed forcefully with her head in her hands on her desk. The way that Vicky Sayers reacted to William Harris… There was no way this guy was innocent. She_ _ **knew**_ _him._

 _Elliot sat on the corner of her desk and she leaned back, arms crossed._

" _You want me to take Vicky home?" Elliot asked._

" _No, I want to. I told her I'd protect her and I want her to know I mean it," Olivia said._

" _We'll get a protective detail for her."_

 _Olivia nodded._

 _Elliot leaned in and lowered his voice. "How bout I get a movie and some wine on the way back to your place? Meet you there and we can just relax tonight. Get your mind off this."_

 _Olivia looked up at him before checking her surroundings. "You go home to Queens tonight, El," she said quietly. "I'm going to come back here after I drop Vicky off and work on some things anyway."_

" _Then I'll stay here with you and—"_

" _El. Go home. Really, I can handle this and… you need to go see your family. It's been a few days."_

 _He stared at her, considering his options for a moment. "Fine. You're right."_

 _She gave a half smile at his reluctance and she searched for wandering eyes before lightly touching his calf with two fingers. "I'll make it up to you later."_

"You said it was a hard year. Do you mean because that's when he left?" Amanda asked.

Olivia shook her head. "He really didn't leave until the start of the next year. There were just a couple really heavy situations I was involved in."

"Like what?"

Olivia contemplated the question, a small, sad smile forming on her lips. "Calvin."

" _So how long is this gonna go on?" Elliot asked._

" _What?" Olivia replied. "Calvin painting?"_

" _You playing mom."_

 _The sentence burned her chest. Anger, protectiveness… She wasn't sure what to feel but it wasn't good. "C'mon, El, the kid's been through hell. He's got a junky mother… being abandoned. I'm just… trying to give him some stability in his life."_

 _The elevator door opened and they stepped into the hall of the ER._

" _No luck finding his dad?" Elliot asked._

" _First name's David. No last name. There's no father on the birth certificate. So, I took a buccal swab from Calvin, took it to the lab to be run for a familial match. I haven't heard back yet."_

 _Elliot nodded. "How can I help speed the process along?"_

 _Olivia stopped walking and he backtracked to meet her. She checked her surroundings to make sure their conversation would stay private. "What's your deal, Elliot? He's in my custody right now and I'm doing everything I can for him."_

" _I just don't think this should go on too long."_

" _Why? Because you're not getting laid as much?" she jabbed. "Quickies in the locker rooms not doin' it for you anymore, Stabler?"_

 _Elliot's eyes narrowed. "Oh shut up, Olivia. You know that's not it."_

" _No?"_

" _No! I'm more concerned about your heart being broken when he leaves and the longer he stays the more attached you're going to get!"_

 _Olivia started walking toward their destination again. "I can take care of myself, Elliot. I don't need your help."_

"And did you find Calvin's father?" Amanda asked.

"No. We found his mom completely cracked out in an abandoned house. She got a lawyer and transferred guardianship to his grandparents."

"Well, I guess that's good for him to be with family."

Olivia sipped her wine and nodded. "Absolutely. But Elliot was right. I was heartbroken. He was actually the most supportive person I had. There was a moment where he was even going to let me lie, walk away from arresting his mother so I could keep Calvin, but I couldn't do it."

"No surprise there," Amanda noted. "If there's anything you're not, it's selfish."

Olivia shrugged. "I have my moments. And I wanted Calvin. So when it all ended… I lost it."

 _Olivia watched helplessly as Calvin was torn from her arms, screaming for her as he was carried down the hall. When his shouts were finally muffled by the elevator doors she turned and without thinking slapped Elliot across the face. "You did this!" she yelled. "You sent that DNA sample in for them to find his dad and now he's gone to live with his parents!" He reached forward for her but she pulled away immediately. "You bastard! You never wanted me to be a mother!"_

 _He reached more quickly this time and she pushed at his chest, but he was too strong, holding her tightly against him until her fists stop hitting and turned into clenching, wrinkling his shirt as her tears stained it. Not even her pride could stop the display of emotion as her cries echoed through the precinct._

" _I'm so sorry, Liv," she heard him whisper. "I'm so sorry."_

"Of course, I knew it wasn't his fault. I just needed someone to blame," Olivia said. "He was unfortunately just my easiest target."

"Were you guys okay after that?" Amanda asked.

"Oh yeah. He stayed with me, helped me grieve, and we were back to normal in no time."

 _Olivia was driving with Elliot in the passenger's seat as they drove forty minutes out to speak with a suspects ex-girlfriend._

" _Shit. Got any napkins?" Elliot asked. He had just spilled his coke on his shirt_

 _Olivia laughed. "Check my purse."_

 _Elliot dug through her purse until something caused him to pause. He looked at her as he pulled out a small, silver cylinder. "The hell is this?"_

 _Olivia looked over at what he was holding. "A bullet," she said casually._

" _To what? This is huge ammunition."_

 _Olivia chuckled. "Actually it's small, but packs a strong punch… It's a vibrator, El."_

 _His eyes widened significantly. "You carry this around with you?"_

" _Yeah of course! You never know when you're gonna need a scratch itched."_

 _Elliot leaned over and draped his left arm over Olivia's seat, then dragged the bullet over her thigh. "Got any itchiness right now?" he asked._

" _I'm driving right now," she said with a smirk._

" _So you've never used this while driving?"_

 _She bit her lip. "That's not what I said."_

 _Elliot clicked the button on the bottom and it vibrated against her leg._

" _Elliot…"_

" _Yes?" he said, innocently. He pressed it into her core._

" _Fuck…" She pulled the car to the side of the road and slipped her belt through the loop._


	27. Chapter 27

**TWO IN ONE DAY! MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

* * *

"I don't understand," Amanda said. "It seems like you two were so in love, so together in every way possible. What exactly happened? Why did he leave?"

Olivia nodded, looking at her friend sadly. "Exactly," she said. "Some of it I can try to explain, but mostly… It just didn't make sense. He shot a teenager… He _fairly_ shot a teenager. Her mother was raped and killed and Jenna came in to the precinct with a gun ready to kill the man who did it. She opened fire and Elliot had to take the shot."

 _Olivia's bloody hands carefully pulled Elliot's gun from his grasp. She set it down on the floor. "Hey," she said. His eyes were blank, he wasn't registering anything that was happening. She took his face and gently turned it to hers. "Hey. You're okay. You're okay."_

 _He finally saw her, then looked down at Jenna. He shook his head, his eyes still wide with shock. "No. I'm not… She's not…"_

 _Olivia drew him back toward her. "Elliot, look at me. I'm gonna go give your gun to Cragen, then we need to give our statements. Okay?"_

 _He nodded. "Yeah…"_

" _Then I'm gonna call Kathy, let her know what happened and that you're in shock and it's not safe for you to drive home. You're gonna go home with me."_

 _He just stared past her in a haze._

" _Elliot? Did you hear me?"_

 _He closed his eyes and shook his head a little. "Home with you. Yeah."_

 _When they did get home, he was still out of it, staring into space and unable to verbalize his thoughts. She led him to the bathroom and undressed him before undressing herself, then helped him into the shower, washing their bodies of the day. When she was done, she couldn't help but for her eyes to well up. She took his face in her hands._

" _Elliot, say something," she whispered. "Please."_

 _He met her eyes and he slowly began to sob, his body falling into her so she was carrying most of his weight as she cried with him. She'd never seen him like this before. It terrified her._

"We dried off, went back to the bed, and he made love to me more powerfully that night than maybe ever before. I dozed off afterward, but kept waking up from nightmares of the shooting. When I would open my eyes, I'd see him staring at the ceiling and I knew he hadn't fallen asleep at all. The next morning, I awoke to him kissing my forehead."

 _She opened her eyes to see him sitting, fully dressed, on the side of her bed. She sat up. "Hey…"_

" _Hey," he said. "Go back to sleep. I just wanted to say goodbye."_

" _You going home?" she asked groggily._

 _He nodded. "Yeah."_

" _Okay." She leaned in to kiss him softly._

" _You know how much I love you, right?" he asked. "More than anything."_

 _She smiled, stroked the stubble on his face. "I know."_

"And that was the last time I saw him. When he didn't show up for work, I called, texted… for weeks… he never showed. Concern grew into anger and then Cragen pulled me into his office to tell me Elliot put in his papers."

"Shit," Amanda said. _"Cragen_ told you? He didn't even tell you himself?"

Olivia nodded. "It was the first week you were on the unit."

Olivia could see the lightbulb go off in Amanda's head. "THAT's why you were so miserable. God, it all makes so much more sense now."

"Yeah, it had nothing to do with you and Amaro, but everything to do with my grief. I knew I needed to keep working to get my mind off of it, but I needed a moment to catch my breath, so I found an empty interrogation room."

 _She shut the door and backed into the corner, out of sight, and took in Cragen's words, one syllable punching her chest at a time, the gravity of the situation tearing at her heart, grating it slowly, leaving her speechless, confused._

 _So she wept. Quiet sobs escaping her heaving chest as she mourned the loss and betrayal of her friend, her partner._

 _Her love._

 _And suddenly the thought of him made her angry. Bitterness clouded every memory of their partnership. Hurt consumed the overwhelming desire she once had for him._

 _Love warped into hate._

 _She couldn't feel anything but crippling pain. There was a grief that left her empty with a nothingness that threatened to consume her entire soul. An empty nothingness that felt more comfortable than the pain, so she honed into it, allowed it to take her. Then she wiped her tears and got to work._

"And that was it," Olivia said. "I wish there was more, but…"

"Wow. I can't believe after all you two went through, it just ended so abruptly."

Olivia pressed her lips together and shrugged.

"Thanks for telling me this story, Liv," Amanda said as she stood to leave. "I know it wasn't all easy for you."

Olivia laughed, standing with her friend to let her out. "It was good for me, actually," she said. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime. And… I'll tell you more about Nick sometime, just… not yet."

Olivia smile. "I understand. Goodnight Amanda."

"Night, boss."

She secured the locks on the door after their goodbyes, washed the wine glasses, and laughed as she tossed two empty bottles of wine into the trash. _How much did we drink?_ She wondered. But, hell, they covered twelve years of information, maybe Amanda was here longer than she thought.

She checked in to see Noah's little booty stuck in the air with his knees under him, fast asleep. She smiled adoringly before quietly shutting the door, turning the knob so the latch wouldn't make any noise.

She changed into her pajamas: a tank and shorts, as always; brushed her teeth; washed her face—the face she couldn't seem to wipe the smile from.

Setting a glass of water on her nightstand, she picked up the ring that sat a few inches away and slid it onto her finger, admiring the sapphires that surrounded the diamond. She closed her eyes and sighed, then laid down and tucked her cold feet into the covers.

"Thought you'd never come to bed," Elliot said, turning over and bringing his body against hers. He held her tightly, kissing her neck as they spooned.

"Sorry," she said. "I was in the middle of telling Rollins a really good story."

"Mhm." His voice was low and gravelly with exhaustion. "And in all that story telling you never once mentioned that time on Cragen's desk."

Olivia winced, turned her head in his direction. "How much did you hear?"

"From Gitano to Oregon, fell asleep, was unlucky enough to wake up for a story about Langhan, and I was in and out for the rest of it."

She dusted her fingers over his arm around her waist. "It was so strange… I've never told anyone about us, then as soon as I did, I couldn't stop."

She could feel him smile against the back of her neck. "I missed the end. You tell her I was here?"

She turned in his arms then, slid her decorated hand up his chest. "Of course not," she said. She pecked his lips. "I'd never jeopardize your safety."

"I know," he said, a soft, sleepy smile on his face. "But I trust your judgement if you need to confide in someone."

Olivia hummed and drew his arms into her for him to hold tighter. "I'm keeping you to myself for now… They'll all find out soon enough."

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks for coming along the ride with me, friends! I have so enjoyed this story! Look for new and old material soon! I've got lots of things in the works, including a sequel to this story where you'll see how Elliot came back into Olivia's life!**


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